Tuesday, April 04, 2006

A day in the life

I work at home in the voice over business, and my friends give me a healthy ration of crap about my schedule, and the difficulty of my job. It's not as easy as you think to be self-motivated, but I've managed to develop an acceptable level of self-control, and have settled into a routine.

To wit:
  • 8-ish - Get up, make coffee. Thank Juan Valdez.
  • 8:30 - Turn on laptop, check email, browse my news page for things to critique.
  • 8:45 - Call bookie, see where I stand. Begin browsing mortgage websites for equity loans to pay bookie.
  • 9:00 - Personal hygiene regimen, I won't bore you with details.
  • 9:15 - Find something to wear: Robe, house-pants/t-shirt, shorts/t-shirt, boxers/sweatshirt, leather corset/fishnet stockings/stillettos/ball cap.
  • 9:30 - Into the recording studio, sort through projects for the day, block out recording sessions on a grid, make another pot of coffee, turn on computers, admire my chosen wallpaper.
  • 9:35 - Drink about a half-gallon of water. Go into small sound proof booth, clear throat, sing a song or two to warm up vocal cords, (generally a motown tune or some opera) drink more water. Exit booth and urinate. Back into booth.
  • 9:45 - Begin reading scripts and think about how it sucks that I can't drink alcohol when I'm working because the first thing that goes is ee-nun-see-ayyy-shun.
  • 10:45 - Break the whole session into separate sections for each client, upload them, consider that Judge Judy is about to come on. Grit teeth and avoid turning on TV.
  • 11:30 - Porn break.*
  • 2:00 - Realize it's time for COPS, yet somehow dig back into scripts. Make phone call to Dominos and tell them to "bring the usual."
  • 2:10 - Back into booth, brilliantly enterpret the subtleties of "a sale on remaining 2005 Explorers, Taurus and F-150s," or "agony of water retention." Exit booth, urinate. Back into booth.
  • 3:00 - Search Cingular.com for phone upgrades (I have this thing about owning the latest, greatest phone) and realize that I already have the latest, greatest phone.
  • 3:01 - Search Verizon.com, Tmobile.com, Sprint.com to see if I could have a later, greater cell phone by switching services. Sigh. Nope.
  • 3:02 - Consume sausage, mushroom and jalapeno pizza with reckless abandon, drink another half-gallon of water.
  • 4:00 - Consult with client regarding radio station image goals for the spring Arbitron session, offer slogan and positioning-statement suggestions. Put client on hold, pee. Return to call.
  • 4:30 - Perform final recording session of the day, this time with clients listening live. (no passing gas or cracking knuckles) Hawk the divinity of "12 songs in a row," tell listeners how they can "rob the bank, win the morning guy's paycheck, travel the world," etc. and know that I will soon have to exit the booth and pee.
  • 5:00 - Done for the day, watch Tivo to catch up with Oprah, soaps and the television judges.
  • 6:00 - Cook dinner. And by "cook" I mean decide which restaurant I will dine at tonight because I have zero kitchen moxy.
  • 7:30 - Back from IHOP, settle down on the couch with a glass of tea (okay, wine) (okay, scotch) to catch any of the following: American Idol, House, Boston Legal, Daily Show, Colbert Report, Best of Naughty Amateur Home Videos, (Did I say that? I meant The 700 Club) Family Guy or the Cardinals game.
  • 10:00 - Begin dozing off, thinking of the harrowing day tomorrow, with all the water-drinking, radio station contests, car sales, peeing, cell phone searching and what not.
  • 10:03 - Drag my sorry ass to bed, be thankful to have the greatest job and best life I can imagine. Dream of Jessica Alba, Rebecca Romijn and that stupid recurring dream where I am ice fishing with Ernest Borgnine. Wake up in cold sweat, take antacid.
  • Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Yeah, it's a hard life, but somebody's gotta do it. Don't judge.
*Satire, of course. I'm pure as the driven snow.

11 comments:

Chris Cope said...

First. Since I know a few voiceover folk and professional singers, I know this is a lie because there is no mention of lemon honey tea.

Dave Morris said...

SHIT! Cope's onto me.

Actually, when I need the help, I drink real lemon juice in my water. It helps cut the phlegm and soothe your cords. No honey for me.

Ew. He said phlegm.

paula said...

In a few months I will post my daily routine....I bet I will have you beat!!!

CP said...

Okay.

11:30 to 2:00...porn break?

You're gonna injure your dick, Dave. Shorter breaks, man. Everything in moderation.

guess it helps you hit the high notes?

CP.

Blogarita said...

Pee much, do you?

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

What CP said.

Weary Hag said...

I could swear you had a dog.

After reading this, I really pity the poor little guy because clearly, you've been neglecting his needs. I see no "Walk the dog" or "Let the dog out" or "Feed dog" here, Dave.

I'm calling those PETA people. They've been lying low for way too long now anyway and they need people like you to stomp on.

I'm so, so ashamed of you.

(and BTW ... brilliant comment you left at The Outpost brutha, loved it!)

Lee Ann said...

I am so jealous of you!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Fascinating breakdown in a day of the life of D-Mo.

jamwall said...

juan valdez slept in my kitchen with that mule of his..

i was hearing the mule making a yelping sound around 2 in the morning.

suffice to say, i've been scrubbing down the kitchen like there's no tomorrow.

i might even have to tear down everything and start from scratch..

Neal said...

I would have never thought that such an existance was possible, but then look at what I do (and where I do it).