St. Valentine must have owned Hallmark stock

So I've been sick with the flu this week and bat-shit busy last week, so I haven't blogged for a month of Sundays. (thanks Grandma) I can only imagine you've been depressed and borderline suicidal without my unique, entertaining perspective.

Emily and I are only about seven weeks away from Child Launch 2008, when Sparky will enter the world with a list of demands: Diapers, boobs and naps. I can help him with the diapers and naps, but my nipples tend to chap like a bitch.



At any rate, the baby's room is nearly ready! Ahead of schedule, I might add... the paint is on, a wallpaper border added. Furniture is assembled and in place, and we have somewhere around 1,200 diapers standing by to catch all the Sparky colon jetsam.

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We paid our annual Valentine's visit to The Melting Pot last night. Do you have any idea what that much freakin' cheese does to your system?

Fondue is always fun, but I wouldn't want to do it more than once a year. First, it would give me flashbacks to the 70's and way too much evil shit went on in my life back then; but moreover, I would gain about two hundred pounds.

Anyway, we had fun despite the waiter's very dry, almost mumbly persona.

Hey, somebody got Em roses!

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There's a city in the St. Louis area that has banned baggy pants. Pine Lawn has decided that it would legislate dignity and self respect.

Now, I understand that some people hate those baggy pants with legs that drag the ground (not to mention the occasional showing-of-the-ass-crack) but what's next? You going to tell me what color lederhosen I can wear?

And what about plumbers? Are you willing to crack down on that crack?

I'll bet they haven't found a solution to their crime problems, but damned if they are going to let these ingracious little mall-monkeys wear loose pants.

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When you're having a baby, you tend to plan his/her future even prior to birth. Such is the case with Sparky, who will attend UCLA and major in biochemistry with minors in psychology and history.

But occasionally Emily and I will stumble across something we don't agree on. For instance, will Sparky be allowed to have a kitchen set?

You're probably thinking, "gee, I wonder which side Dave's on..."

I'm not much into sexual stereotypes, and many (if not most) great chefs are male. (except the lovelies, Em, Paula and Blogarita) I have no problem with the Sparkster being the next Wolfgang Puck, but what does it say to your friends when they peek into a boy's room and instead of a Tonka road grader and one of those orange Matchbox car tracks with the loop-de-loop, they see an Easy Bake Oven?

"Hey Sparky, put away the football because it's time to whip up a nice quiche!"

I'm afraid if we get him a kitchen set, he'll never make quarterback at UCLA. Thoughts?

To Whomever may hear...

In a few days, NASA will beam the Beatles song Across the Universe... literally across the universe.

In commemoration of NASA'S anniversary and the anniversary of the release of the song, they will point the Deep Space Network array of antennae at Polaris, the North Star. It will beam the song to that star and all points beyond.

I wonder who'll hear it...

Words are flying out like

Endless rain into a paper cup

They slither while they pass

They slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow waves of joy are

Drifting thorough my open mind

Possessing and caressing me...

Weather or not...

Another snowstorm rolled through and dumped about... oh... let's see...


8.5 inches* on us. That qualifies as the biggest snowstorm of the season so far, and hopefully the last. You gotta hate anything that makes my dog's weiner drag in the frozen white mess.


"Hey, Dave. Can you toilet train me? I'm sick of this shit."

*approximately one penis** length.

**someone else's penis.

A bad case of the shirts...

Two weeks ago I found myself at the baby shower of one of Emily's friends at work. This is a great example of my level of love and commitment in our relationship, because no guy ever, ever wants to be at a baby shower. It's akin to admitting you wear panties.

I do not wear panties.

During a particular lull in the activities (wait, baby showers are one big lull*), and after seeing slogans on the baby shirts, I decided any slogan I could write would blow away the ones I'd seen so far.

So I set out writing my own phrases for Sparky's shirts:

• Hung like a second grader.
• Powder THIS!
• Anheuser Busch baby. Born-on date: April 6, 2008.
• Nursing is NOT a tag team sport. Back off.
• My other stroller has a Hemi.
• Dang I love me some booby.
• Come back to my crib. I have a great mobile.
• Down to two naps a day.
• Total Diaper Filler.
• Piss me off and I will kick your ass.
• You can't change me. (On second thought, you probably can)
• In touch with my toddler side.
• Dad's my wing-man.
• That totally chaps my ass.
• This is your brain on Enfamil. Any questions?
• Your buggy has a bitchin' paint job.
• Wanna peek under my quilt?
• Swaddle THIS!
• Nipple chapper.
• Beets are evil.
• Social instability, from the inner cities of the US to Sub-Saharan Africa is both a cause of, and a result of, the proliferation of small arms. And speaking of small arms, have you seen THESE???

I will need to get some iron-on printer paper.

*Actually it was one of the better showers because there were no games like "name the candy bar," or "taste the baby food." We opened gifts, ate some mini tacos and it was over.

Blogarage Sale items 2 - 5

Second item - FREE.


Samsung DirecTV tuner. It's a few years old, and picks up the main satellites. Nothing hi-def or fancy, but if you need a spare receiver, this is it. Comes with manual, remote, etc.

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Third item - FREE. (STATUS, GONE)


An HP Deskjet 5440. A simple printer, nothing fancy. You'll need to download the driver software, but that's no big deal.

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Fourth item - $50 or best reasonable offer.


A Sony photo printer. It prints various sized photos directly from a data card, but you'll need to connect it to your computer so you can view the photos prior to printing. It's professional quality printing.

I purchased it with my camera a few years ago and it's never been used. I never even plugged it in.

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Fifth item - $75 or best reasonable offer.


An HP PSC 2510 photosmart all-in-one printer. It has a built-in fax, scanner, photo-quality printer, etc. Used regularly for about a year... but no high volume work. It still works like new.

The first person to claim the free stuff gets it, just email me through the link on my profile in the right column. Otherwise, email me an offer for the other stuff and I'll get back to you.

All freight charges must be paid by you, but USPS is cheap. If I know you, we can arrange to meet at a bar during happy hour to exchange said item.

Thoughts during my drive home

I think I've had a pretty good life. Not in the same way Bill Gates or Ron Jeremy have, but I've managed to pack a lot in. (Ron Jeremy joke - click the link if you don't get it)

Don't misunderstand, I've had plenty of hard times... but the quality of your life isn't defined by how easy it is. Good means a positive net result, even from negative events.

Henry David Thoreau said "How vain it is to sit down to write when you've never stood up to live." While my life is a work in progress, I have plenty to write about already. Some things I've learned:

• Be careful about who you marry. In fact, unless you find someone so great you just can't help yourself... by all means HELP YOURSELF. Having said that, we're checking on banquet halls and facilities for the ceremony. Do as I say, not as I do.
• You are a product of your past and the events of your life. There's no getting around it, so it's best to just accept it. That's why they make Zoloft.
• If you're doing okay in life, it's okay to take credit for it. Nothing is free, everything takes hard work and there are no exceptions to that rule. Unless you're Paris Hilton.
• Pets are cool, unless they shit on your bed or shed on your couch. I've had few better friends than my cat, Kramer... and he's done both. I don't even like cats, and fully believe they will someday arrive by the millions in spaceships to take over the Earth. Kramer will be the Darth Vader of that movement... but he's still pretty cool.
• I miss the feeling, when I was a kid, of hearing "David! Time for dinner!" I was always hungry by then, and on the way in, it was fun to try to guess what would be on the table. My modern-day equivalent to that experience is Emily yelling down the stairs to me, "Dave, which restaurant are we going to tonight?"*
• You can't smile while you're wiping. I've mentioned it here before and all my friends agree. They've tried.
• I can hold a piece of my son's clothing or one of his stuffed animals (he's scheduled to arrive in April) and feel like I'm holding him. Same with my daughter. It's a connection that comes with parenthood. Kids feel that same connection when they hold their parents' wallet.
• There is nothing more soothing than sitting at a piano, playing. I suspect the same is true of an acoustic guitar, although all I can play is "Smoke on the Water" on one string. Both instruments feel really personal and emotional to me. It's why I like Jackson Browne and Billy Joel.
• Music might be the quintessential emotional connection that bonds us all. If you doubt that, listen to "These Days" by Jackson Browne, "Waitin' On a Sunny Day" by Springsteen or "Go Down Easy" by Fogelberg.
• 4:00 am is a great time to write Things I've Learned lists on my blog.

I'm headed back to bed now, I have to be up again by 8. It sucks to be in demand! ;)

*Em's a wicked-amazing cook, but we never seem to have time.

Blogarage Sale, item number one

Edit: SOLD!

As we move, store and generally clean things up around here, we've stumbled across a lot of "stuff" we'll need to either sell or give away. Over the next week here on The Window, I'll be featuring those things, and allowing you to either claim it for free (first come, first serve), buy it at the price stated, or make an offer.

All of the stuff is in great condition. We just don't need it. Some of the stuff I forgot I had.

Here's the first item, free to the first person who claims it:

A Panasonic cordless phone and answering system, with three digital mail boxes, the base station with handset, plus four extra handsets to use throughout your home. It's a digital system so there's no static at all. (FM! - Bad Steely Dan reference) All the handsets broadcast back to the base station, so only one phone outlet is necessary.

It's about 7 years old, but was used for about 1 year. You MAY need or want to replace the rechargable batteries in the handsets (I'm not sure if storage causes the batteries to go bad) and you'll need to download a manual for it, although it's very intuitive and easy to use. If you want it and are out of the area, you'll need only to send me a paid postage label - Fed Ex, USPS, whatever.

If you have questions, email me via my profile page.

Archaeological find

Em and I cleaned out and reorganized our kitchen today, and found these:



What the hell are they? Anyone know? They were at a level in the drawer that dates them back to around 1999 or 2000. I'm betting on Blogarita or Fantastagirl, but whoever answers first wins them. Good luck.

Happy Anniversary

Two years ago, I was introduced to the most amazing person I've ever met.

Em accepts me for who I am, knows me better than anyone ever has, and shows me who she is, unabashed and unashamed, every day. I think those are the most precious gifts that could ever be given to another human being.

Thanks honey. I love you.

Is there supposed to be scum on top of the jelly?

It's almost midnight and I'm sitting in the kitchen eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The cold milk is helping me swallow every grapey, peanuty glob and I'm wondering why I can't sleep.

Then I realized it's because the news is almost all BAD.

Some of the events going on right now:

A former Michigan Republican congressman is indicted on obstruction of justice charges and money laundering for a terrorist ring.

A CIA official authorized the destruction in 2005 of videotapes documenting harsh interrogation of detainees at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The White House, under intense scrutiny, has admitted to destroying emails as part of a "data recycling" procedure, during the period of time when the US went to war with Iraq and US CIA operative Valerie Plame was outed.

The housing market is in a depression. The real estate bubble that was only casually considered a possibility a few years ago has finally burst. In some markets, houses selling three years ago for 400,000 are being sold for barely half that. The sub-prime interest loans issued to risky borrowers for the past several years are being foreclosed upon. People are losing their homes because they can't pay their mortgage.

Eddie Murphy and his new wife (of TWO weeks) have announced their split.

O J Simpson, mistakenly (in my opinion) exonerated of murder charges in the 90's (thereby living on borrowed time) has now violated the terms of his bail in a memorabilia heist... where he, at gunpoint, tried to "take back" prized heirlooms of his career from an alleged thief. He's back in jail for contacting one of the plaintiffs and THREATENING them.

It was announced today that Ike Turner died of a cocaine overdose.

No wonder I can't freakin' sleep. The world is spinning out of control. The US has a bad political reputation which continues to worsen, Buckwheat can't stay married and Ike not only abused Tina, but also his own proboscis. (I met him in the 90's at a party in Memphis and he was a real dick... um, God rest his soul)

WTF?

OK, I'm finished with my PBJ. I'm going back to bed. The headlines have GOT to be better tomorrow.

Daddy's nose, Mommy's... everything else

Here's a new ultrasound picture of Sparky:


He really does have my nose. His little mouth looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid. It was great to visit with him yesterday. He was given a clean bill of health by the doctor, and he's just a little bigger than average. (both Mom and I are taller than average)

Click Pop Tick Sssssshhhhhht

Quote from an article I just read:

"With Apple, Amazon.com, NetFlix and Microsoft pushing downloadable movies and cable and phone companies peddling a plethora of on-demand, high-definition content, the day is coming when the stacks of plain vanilla DVDs that clutter many home entertainment centers will go the way of the CD collection."

Look at the last few words, and tell me how old you feel.

Prior to the Day I Bought My First CD Player, my Saturday mornings had always consisted of grabbing my Rolling Stone magazine, a coffee and my Walkman with a mix tape and scouring the 45 section at Streetside Records for new singles. I would spend hours there, talking to the "experts" who worked in the store and going over the charts and reviews in RS. It was quite an experience, and one of my favorite memories of youth. (by youth I mean anywhere from age 16 to 25)

The advent of the CD somehow changed the experience. I don't know exactly how, but it took away the innocence or something. I'm not sure what that means, but I think it probably has more to do with MY moment in time.

I bought my first CD player in September 1986, at a price of around $500. I bought it in a record store, which had committed only a tiny corner to this new technology. There were only maybe a thousand titles available at the time.

These new "discs" were shiny and you could see a rainbow in them. Oooooh! At that time I may or may not have been consuming recreational pharmaceuticals, so the entire experience may have freaked me out. I might have said something like "Whoa! You can see into the future in these!" Or, more likely, "Whoa! Where do you drop the needle?"

For the younger reader, 'dropping the needle' isn't a drug reference, it's a turntable reference.

Having just paid $500 for the CD player, I could only afford two CDs that day. Slippery When Wet by Bon Jovi and Yesterday Once More by The Carpenters. Ah, diversity! The clerk gave me this really odd look. Screw you, clerk!

I remember racing home, hooking up the player and popping in Bon Jovi. The clarity was simply amazing. I sat and listened to those CDs for the rest of the day and invited several friends to come check it out.

I clung to the old vinyl technology as long as I could, until singles were being released on those little baby discs and 45s disappeared. I remember the time I changed apartments and decided I didn't have space in the new place for my turntable. I may or may not have cried that day, but I'm a little teary writing this.

Fast forward>> (kids, that's a cassette reference, which is a whole different ancient technology) to 23 years later, when CDs are yesterday's news and even DVDs are becoming obscolete. I can understand why old people finally surrender and stop trying to keep up.

I've managed to change with the times. I have a pretty large mp3 collection (about 3,000 titles) and a kick-ass iPod. I listen to podcasts and watch TV shows on it.

Still, recently I purchased a nice turntable so I can pull out the vinyl now and then. It's really quite a treat to hear the pops and clicks. The music feels warmer and it takes me to a place where I'm wearing a Walkman, drinking coffee and reading my Rolling Stone.

Anybody got any recreational pharmaceuticals?

Sunday speculations...

I stepped outside this morning and thought I had slept four months. It's 70 degrees in St. Louis on January sixth.

Which means a bunch of friends will be hanging on the patio today, BBQ-ing ribs and burgers and drinking margaritas. We might as well take advantage of the nice weather while it's here... in a few days, it will be back into the 20's.

By the way, we'll set new records today and tomorrow, when it will reach almost 75.

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Last week while out of town, my HP laptop farted, then died.

Normally, people don't die when we fart, but computers are apparently quite different regarding passing gas. Obviously a file became corrupted and it wouldn't boot... so I had to do a destructive reload and lost all my onboard data.

Thankfully, I was able to transfer the hard-drives to an outboard chassis temporarily, offload the data I needed (which included years of collected music, over $1,500 investment) and then reloaded. It pays to know your way around a computer.

Advice to you - if you own an HP, get an extended warranty. After the crash, I purchased a two-year "accident policy" for it. For a nominal fee, if I spill water on the keyboard, run over it with my Hummer or put it in the oven ("accidentally," of course) they will send me a new one. No matter what happens, it's covered. I like those kinds of policies...

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I've had it with taxes.

That's why Mike Huckabee is an appealing candidate to me. I don't agree with all of his social policies, but he proposes abolishing the IRS and imposing a flat, consumption-based "Fair Tax." Basically a federal sales tax, you are charged a 23 percent tax at the cash register, but you keep 100 percent of your paycheck.

Then every month, based on your income level, you are issued a "refund" check. If you are considered at the poverty level, you will receive a 100 percent refund.

The great thing about this system is, everyone pays. Prostitutes, drug dealers, illegal immigrants... when you buy something, you pay taxes. Imagine how that would be...

This especially appeals to me, because I am a corporation. I have to file quarterly returns, pay DOUBLE the social security, and make monthly tax payments to the IRS. It is an incredible expense, even just to pay my accountant. A "regular guy" has no chance of understanding the intricate, convoluted beaurocracy that is the IRS.

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Why can't there be a breakfast delivery service?

Pizza and Chinese food... that's pretty much all you can get delivered. I wonder why.

Whoops, I forgot "Meals on Wheels," but I believe there is an age requirement...

This morning we were faced with a lack of milk and a desire for breakfast food that required milk. A quick phone call to the Bob Evans for the Ranch Hand Platter delivered to our house would have been the perfect solution.

But HELL no. We ended up with fried eggs, bacon and toast.

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Usually the latest movie or play you see, based on being the freshest in your mind, seems like the best you've ever seen.

Last night we went to the Fox Theater and saw Wicked... and I believe it will stand the test of time for me.

The performances were phenomenal, especially those of Glinda and Elphaba. (the Wicked Witch of the West) I got a little verklempt a few times... so did Dr. Mike, that big pansy.

Preceded by a huge ribeye and some wine at Morton's, it was a fun evening. It's always nice to dress up a little and go out on the town.

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It's possible that the HD DVD vs. Blu Ray standoff is over.

Warner Brothers has announced they will endorse Bluray, and make their library available exclusively in that format. That leaves Paramount and Universal the lone standouts among major studios that support HD DVD.

I've been waiting for someone to blink. Unlike the Beta vs. VHS battle of the 80's, the more expensive version appears to have taken the lead now. We'll see if it holds... but this development is huge. I would advise refraining from purchasing an HD DVD player for the time being.

Happy New Year!

That's it. Happy 2008.

The Grinch that Stole Christmas...

Last year for Christmas, I narrated and produced "The Grinch That Stole Christmas," burned it to a CD and gave it to a niece and nephew, along with a copy of the book. It was hard work and I'm proud of the final result, so I thought I'd share it this year.

LINK

There is a musical element when it's time for the reader to turn the page. (it gets a little old if you're not following along with the book) I'm especially happy with the way the music and sound effects weave throughout the piece and lend themselves to the story line.* Theater of the mind.

It was Emily's idea for me to narrate the book, and she lent her talent by playing the part of Cindy Lou Who.

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We're spending the week in New England with family. Merry Christmas.


*I used music from The Abyss, Phantom of the Opera, Scarface and more, but they worked well, and it's not like I'm publishing it for profit.

Thought sausage

Recently I was talking to a friend about Emily in the abstract, and couldn't decide how to refer to her. Girlfriend seemed trite. Wife is waaaaay heavy (and not even accurate yet) (and so scary too) so I settled for fiancée.

After I got off the phone, it occured to me that fiancée is a really stupid word. It's way too complicated. Fee-ohhhns-aaaaay.

The English language is like a five-bedroom house that started as a one-bedroom bungalow. You can tell where the original house was, and the additions look like... well, additions.

Side note: Before you tell me fiancée is French, yeah I know. There is no simple English word for it. Betrothed? Ha, it's like the sound you make when you throw up. Prospective spouse seems a little formal and like you're not sure it's going to happen.

The language is a mess. Lead and led. They're, there, their. Damn, dam. C'mon, aren't there (They're? Their?) open words available that aren't being used, so we can simplify a little??? It is my opinion that this five-bedroom house needs to be torn down, and replaced with a nice atrium ranch with a pool.

Yeah, I'm suggesting starting the language almost from scratch.

Side note again: The Mexicans will hate us, since they've only just learned to say "please," "thank you" and "your shrubs need trimming and I can help" in English.

I think we should begin converting the longest words first. We can assign them unused one-syllable words. For instance, the longest word found in major dictionaries is Pneumonoultramicroscopic-
silicovolcanoconiosis. Let's give it... meeb.

Another good one is Antidisestablishmentarianism. It is now ard. We'll use (you's?) all (awl?) possible combinations of single-syllable words first, then move on and add (ad?) a second syllable as needed. No (know?) two words will have the same sound.

One of the other words I'll be glad to (two? too?) see changed is cantaloupe. What the hell is the deal with THAT word? It's now ap. (which is fine, because it's pronounced "app," not "ape"... and app is no longer short for application, because application is now bem.)

And so (sew?) now, fiancée is... beeb.

Final side note: As an example of how stupid the language is, how ironic is it that abbreviation is a five-syllable word?

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I was relieved to learn that they found a family that had been lost in the woods of Northern California for three days.

When they were back in civilization and were warmed up, they were asked how they survived in such harsh weather. "Jesus Christ" was their answer.

Let me say that I think faith in God is a fine thing, and many find great strength in their faith. (I don't go to church as often as I should, usually only around the holidays.) But it's sad to me that people rob themselves of credit for being smart, strong, or brave. It must be a pretty strange feeling not to feel like you're in control of your life. Personally, I think that Dad is pretty heroic.

Anyway, it reminded me of an old joke:

A guy was sitting on the roof of his house in a flood and a boat happened along. "Ahoy, climb aboard, we'll get you to dry land!"

"No, that's okay, I'm a man of faith and I'm waiting for God to rescue me." So the boat left.

A little later a helicopter hovered above and a man on a bullhorn shouted, "Grab the rope and we'll pull you up. The water's rising and you don't have long!"

"No thanks, I'm waiting for the Lord to save me. I'm sure he'll be along momentarily. Save someone else!" he said.

About then, a wave came down the river and knocked him from his perch and into the swirling water. A little while later he found himself at the gates of Heaven, talking to God himself. "Lord, I put all my faith in you to save me, and you didn't. Why?"

"Shoot, Bob, I gave you free will, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

(I love the idea that God would use a word like "shoot." Haha!)

Inspirational quote of the week:

"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do something I can do." ~ Helen Keller

My equivalent:

"You want me to do WHAT???" ~ Dave Morris

"...and maybe there are seasons, and maybe they change..."*

Rest in peace, Dan Fogelberg.

I hadn't heard the news until this morning. I am profoundly sad. He was 56, and died of advanced prostate cancer.

He lifted all musicians, influenced almost everyone who strummed a guitar (some even unknowingly) and gave the feelings of millions a voice. If lyrics** are important to you, it's likely you own a Dan Fogelberg album. Check out this video on You Tube for evidence, or these lyrics from "Changing Horses":

Changing horses in the middle of a stream
Gets you wet and sometimes cold.
Changing faces in the middle of a dream
Gets you old...
Oh, gets you old.
Looking farther than you'll ever hope to see
Takes you places you dont know.
Search for someone you cant ever hope to be
And still you go
Oh, still you go.

God bless and keep ya, Dan.

If you're a male, please read up on the symptoms, and if you're over 50 (40 with family history) get checked annually.

*From "To the Morning."
**See Same Auld Lang Syne, Seeing You Again, There's a Place In the World For a Gambler, Heart Hotel.

Weather for the Gateway Shitty

In a ballsy move we didn't expect, our friends Mike and Diana decided not to cancel their White Elephant Christmas party tonight. Which was fine with us... if it's snowing, I'll find a reason to get out in it.

I somehow ended up taking home the most coveted gift of the party, a talking fly swatter, but it required a lot of thievery (if you've ever participated in a White Elephant event, you know what I mean). When you kill a fly, the Talking Fly Swatter says things like "Flight cancelled!" Or, "Hasta la vista, baby!" Yeah, damn right and it's all mine.

When we left the party, we hung out at the mall until Em's sister got off work so we could drive her home. She's not great on snowy roads, so it was the right thing to do. As we were pulling out, we noticed some people huddled around something in front of Best Buy. Naturally, we whipped around to take a look.



The "something" was a propane heater, and the people were camping out for tomorrow's shipment of Nintendo Wiis. I'd say these were the most dedicated (read: lunatic fringe) people I've ever met! I almost went to QT to get them hot chocolate, but realized that they will pay Best Buy prices for the Wii and sell them for a multiple of four or five.


The snow was exceptionally heavy at around 6 pm. We had just hit the drive-thru at White Castle for a "Crave Case" for the party (because we heard white elephants love White Castle) and found ourselves in near-whiteout conditions. (We're brilliant, creative and funny.)


This was I-70 near our house. MODOT had done a decent job of getting the road cleared by now. (12:45 am)


We paused in front of O'Fallon City Hall. I wish I had the good camera and a tripod, I could have taken some fantastic night shots.


At 1:00 am we were 10 blocks from home. This clock is also part of the City Hall complex. I was surprised the snow still hadn't stopped. We got a total of around 7-8 inches at our house.

I hope you enjoy the photos, the snow is exceptionally beautiful. Right now the tea kettle is whistling. One quick cup and I'm hitting the bed. I think we'll probably stick close to home tomorrow, make some bacon and eggs in the morning and relax all day.

Flakes and rubbers

If you lived in St. Louis, you would understand that I am skeptical of what I see out my window this morning...

More snow than they predicted!

St. Louis is on the southern edge of where the jet stream flows during winter nowadays (it has moved north in the last decade or so) so we don't get much snow. This weekend is predicted to be an exception, with 5 to 8 inches of snow on the way... says the weather men who are all sporting wood right now. These guys are edgy, caffeine-filled and frustrated by the lack of real winter weather for the last few years. Dave Murray's hair is puffed up even higher than normal.

I'll keep a running log and some progress photos throughout the day and night. Here's our overnight snow:



Ol' Puffy Hair says there will be a daytime lull and the snow will begin again this afternoon and evening, so I'm going to warm some milk for hot chocolate, pop in a few movies this weekend and watch the fun ensue.

Snowmen, balls, Santa, laughing all the way, etc.

One of those personality tests but this one's cool because it has fancy sliders and stuff

I found this personality test on Blogarita's page... and like her, I can't seem to pass one of these up.

Here's how I scored:


Place your mouse over each section to see what that color represents.

Please feel free to take the test... it's pretty in-depth, it takes only about 20-25 minutes and it is aesthetically pleasing and quite functional. (a couple of things the test told me I should work on opening up to) It's all graphic slide-rules, etc. so it's fun to fill out.

As for personal accuracy in my case, it's fairly close. I don't think I have quite the attention to style is claims I have, and I don't think my "openness" is as high as they claim.

Eh, those that know me can be the judge.

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In my last post, I think maybe I made it sound like the Christmas tree in the photo was mine. It is not, but I can see why some might assume it is. Here's a photo of our main tree (which hasn't been set up yet):


I would love to show you a photo of the family room tree, which is currently up and decorated, but I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and snap one. It's a new tree with a snowman theme, and Emily picked out amazing decorations. Makes me feel all Christmas-y and shit.

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I posted more new material on RadorBad.net. I think I'm going to adjust the style of my writing over there - it's too boring and matter-of-fact the way it is.

Stay in the truck

There are very few more poignant, ass-kicking insults than telling someone to "stay in the truck." In effect, you are saying: "Your opinion means little here and you are a newbie, a rookie, a novice... therefore I shall handle this transaction and you are to remain silent."

Except all you need are those four short, mentally debilitating words.

In fact, I've found that with just a few added words, it can be even more stinging: "Stay in the truck with the windows rolled up." Meaning: "You are an EXTREME novice, and you don't even deserve to overhear the transaction I, alone, am about to handle based on your rookiness."

Level three is: "Stay in the truck with the windows rolled up and the radio loud." Meaning: "It is ridiculous that I would even attempt to explain the transaction I am about to handle singlehandedly, even after-the-fact, because you are the mental equivalent of a toddler with Reyes Syndrome."

Finally: "Stay in the truck with the windows rolled up, the radio loud, and a hose through the window from the exhaust pipe." This is the ultimate insult. Meaning: "I am so far ahead of you, and so much more capable of handling this transaction, you merely staying in the truck isn't enough... you've begun to take up space that I cannot afford, so the world would be better off if your noviceness were permanently removed."

I think I had too much coffee this morning.

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I've started a new website - Rad or Bad. It's a place where I'll post reviews of my experiences with customer service people, businesses, companies, restaurants, etc. I'll post both good and bad for the whole world to see. Via comments, it will be interactive - feel free to contribute anything you'd like. I will begin posting tomorrow, and I'm sure the posts will be every bit as sporadic as the ones here. http://www.radorbad.net/.

Bottle Tree

I've been busier than a one-armed paper hanger this week. Or a cat covering up crap. Whore in church? Neh, that's being sweaty. You get my drift.

Here's a Christmas tree I'm working on:

This has my name written all over it. Is that a cup of coffee on top of the red gift? Yeah, I'd say you'd need it after setting up THAT tree.

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I changed servers for my business website again this week, which is what kept me extra busy. If you ever get the chance, avoid ixwebhosting.com. Their service is spotty, their upload and download speeds are inconsistent and they don't answer trouble tickets in a timely manner. In short, they suck. I moved to Sectorlink.com. MUCH better already.

Side note: you can now reach this blog via two addresses. My new addy is www.davemorrisblog.com. Or you can continue to access it via the usual Blogspot address. Two, two... TWO ways to view! And yet the crap I write doesn't warrant one address...

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We're narrowing down our list of names for Sparky. We are down to three or four, but we're not telling anyone until he's born. That's right, even you Ma. Sorry.

Meanwhile, Em has been busy on ebay, she bought about six thousand onesie's the other day. Note to friends - we won't be needing any newborn clothing. Start with about three-months and up. Oh, and we don't need diapers, either. Every time we go to Sam's we pick up a jumbo box, along with baby wipes. I think we might have enough for two babies.

Which is great, because our friends Dr. Mike and Paula have announced they are having another baby. We're taking all the credit, because we made a pact that if we had a baby, they would have another one. (Although Ella is cute enough for two)

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A partner and I are getting into the video production field. It's not a big stretch for me, since I have most of the equipment sitting in my audio studio now. The software is installed and I'm preparing to build out a new green-screen room and office soon. We're going HD right off the bat.

So now I, who have never done video production, now must learn the new software, reorganize my office and schedule, and launch another branch of Morris Creative Services, Inc.

Slippin', slippin', slippin'...

My son is getting so big! Our recent ultrasound gave us a pretty good view of him, although not much in the way of 3D stuff, yet. The video below may not work on a dial-up connection, but if you're on broadband, it should stream smoothly.



Once in a while the picture gets really shaky... that's when Emily is laughing. It was a funny, tearful experience - one we can't wait to do again in a couple of weeks. Isn't it cool that technology allows you to "visit" your baby before he's even born?

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My blogiversary just passed, and I didn't even realize it! (ain't it just like a man?)

Three days ago, my blog turned THREE years old. I don't post as often as I used to, but it works for me. Free time is a rare commodity... especially now, when we're preparing for April and the new baby.

As of today this mundane, dusty little corner of the universe is closing in on 200,000 hits, which never ceases to amaze me. WTF?

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We went to an exhibition called Body Worlds 3 last night. It's a display of actual, dead human bodies that have been preserved and posed using a process called plastination. You are literally looking at real human flesh, bones, tendons, and other body parts. The photo to the left is an example, and eerily, the cadaver is holding up the skins of several actual people.

First, I should say it's very inspiring and educational, but I must admit to feeling a little uneasy. These are real people, dissected in various ways to show how the human body works. Here are a few pictures of the cadavers on exhibition. (click the links, they are really fascinating)

It's difficult to describe my feelings as I wandered through this exhibition, but I'd say fascination, sadness, elation, a little irreverence, some fear, and a deep realization of my own mortality. It was extremely impactful. I'm a pretty emotional person anyway, but this experience is one I will never forget.

I'll take "things that are ridiculous" for 200, Alex

Part 1:

There is a website that can predict the approximate year of your death. Or, spinning it in a more positive way, predict the length of your life. Yeah, that sounds better.

I should point out that I don't really think it's ridiculous, but since the title of my post is "things that are ridiculous..." I'm going to ask you to go with it.

According to the website, (found at Steve Mays' blog) my current "real age" is 32. (they say 40 is the new 30, right?) You get huge points for having family who live longer than average, for not smoking, and for eating breakfast. Also factored in, family disease history, etc. It says I should live to be 86 before I croak. Today, I am exactly half that.

It's all downhill from here.

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Part 2:

A British woman is apparently being held in Sudan, and may soon be whipped by the Sudanese government, for naming her teddy bear "Mohammed."

It gives you new respect for the freedoms we have in the US, doesn't it? In fact, as a result of that freedom, guess what I've just named my penis.*

Screw you, Sudan. (and we're at war with IRAQ??????)

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Part 3:

Credit card companies have now resorted to making people feel foolish for using cash.

Have you seen the latest Visa television campaign? Swipe... cool. Swipe... party! Swipe, HAPPY!!! Cash... everything grinds... to... a... halt. (and the cash person looks like a real loser)

It's obvious Americans are facing a reality check right now. They've spent themselves into debt, mortgaged themselves into a corner, and have been forced to slow the use of credit cards as a result. Citigroup has announced huge layoffs, written off billions from sub-prime mortgage losses, and stock analysts are recommending their clients sell C.

So we get to see how cool it is to use your credit card. (youtube examples of the commercials)

*Slappy Johnson, but I'll bet you thought Muhammed, right?

Thankful

As Thanksgiving 2007 comes to a close, the dog and cat are at my feet, my lovely Emily is in the next room reading, Christmas carols are playing, and I am sitting in my kitchen with a cup of tea and a wandering mind.

I just had a particularly nice chat with my daughter. We told each other the stories of the day and talked about when we'd see each other next. I held Em's tummy and bonded with my little Sparky for a while, and I wrote a note to my Mom. I told her how horribly I missed her today.

Last night Em and I spent time with our friends, Mike and Paula. She made a fabulous dish and we had great conversation. I plucked around on one of Mike's guitars for a while (I can't play at all) and we played a few rounds of "Scene It." They gave us a teething toy for the baby. Friends like that are hard to find.

Today we went to Em's Grandmother's house. We had the usual Thanksgiving fare, played a few games, and lit a candelabra floral arrangement on fire. It was a very memorable day.

I spent a lot of time today in thoughtful reflection. I thought of the many people who have been in and out of my life over the years. Bosses, friends, co-workers, loves... I hope they are all well and happy.

I thought for a while about those who have passed on. I miss my Grandparents and their influence so much. I had a little pumpkin pie in honor of my Grandfather, who was quite the dessert lover. I thought of my friend Adrianne and her son Truman. My Grandma Varty, Aunt Mildred and Uncle Ed all crossed my mind today, as well... all people without whom life isn't the same.

I thought of my friends, and pondered what they were doing today. Gary probably spent the day at his Mother's house. His Father died recently, so I'm sure his day was bittersweet. I thought about him a lot today. I am guessing Ron spent the day with his Mother, wife and their son Preston, who was born almost a year ago. As for the rest of my friends, they were probably flung far and wide, on various ends of town and the Earth. They all snuck in and out of my thoughts today.

Thanksgiving may be my favorite holiday. I spend 364 days a year taking everything for granted. Then along comes this one, wonderful day that reminds me of all the things for which I am so incredibly grateful.

Dick & Jane

I'm not sure if there is a more culturally influential or familiar book series than Dick & Jane. From the 1930's through the 70's, Dick & Jane were probably the most popular children's book characters in the world. And why not? I mean, come on... the kid's name is Dick. We had all kinds of fun with these two. If you were old enough to make Barbie and Ken do dirty stuff, you probably changed the words of the D & J books.

Once at a trivia night, someone told me that no two-syllable words appear in the book series. I've since learned that's not true, there are several two-syllable words, like "Mother," "Father," and "oral."* I think it would have been more fun if there were a syllable restriction.

Just for fun, I thought it would be a timely exercise (considering Violet and I are having a baby boy in April) to have Dave's Window readers write our own version of Dick & Jane. Write a paragraph and post it under "comments," and let's see how the story evolves. Write whatever you'd like, just make sure it flows with the previous paragraph. Don't worry, I promise I won't let Sparky see this until he turns 18.

I'll start it out:

See Dick and Jane. They are playing in the back yard. Spot and Puff are chasing each other in the sand box. "Look, Dick," said Jane. "There is something behind the fence. What could it be?"

It's your turn.

*Okay, so "oral" only appears in my perverted versions of the book, but whatever.

And the results are...

It's a boy!


Looking a bit skeletal - since that's mostly what the ultrasound "sees." We can now start shopping for gender-specific stuff. Proud as I can be, happy and loving life.

Our boys

Not enough is said about the effort of our people in uniform. 2007 has been the deadliest year yet in the Iraq war, not to mention those who are serving in Afghanistan and other places around the world.

Agree with the war in Iraq or not, the people who are serving are heroic. They lay themselves on the line every day... and as we approach Veteran's Day, this video brings it all home. If you are currently serving, or you've served before - thanks.

"Computers are our friends"

Repeat that phrase 20,000 times, so you will be convinced. "Computers are our friends."

I spent the entire weekend setting up a new computer in my office, which replaced an old one that bit dust this week.

I have two pieces of advice for anyone who deals with computers, which obviously means you.

First, never... never ever ever never ever ever trust your valuable photos and data to an outboard USB hard drive. I've been burned twice in the past year... most recently, tonight when I plugged in the drive that contains (er, contained) our entire library of photographs.

Dark power button. Nothing.

Fuck.

The second piece of advice is never, never, ever trust your valuable photos and data to an INBOARD hard drive.

Basically, don't trust a computer to safely store anything. Do yourself a favor, and burn them to DVD. It will save you from patching drywall holes and paying major money to the Geek Squad to retrieve your data.

Which is where I will be going tomorrow.

Apply directly to the forehead

If you're a consumer who has actually purchased the product Head On, you deserve a headache.

No offense, of course. It's not like you're stupid or anything, it's just... no wait. Yeah, it is like you're stupid.

Ironically the head-bone is the reason that using Head On is a bone-headed idea. If you apply it to your forehead, there is a huge barrier between the medicine and the pain... it's called the skull. Ironically, using Head On makes you a real numb-skull.

Ah, so much irony in such a stupid product.

The funniest line of the commercial (besides the annoying "apply directly to the forehead" crap) is "no prescription necessary."

No shit? Look, if your doctor tries to give you a prescription for this product, you should open your network provider booklet immediately.

End rant.

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I was listening to a song from Buffett's album "Barometer Soup" this morning. Is it just me, or do the words "barometer soup" give you wanderlust?

I love the fact that Em and I have a baby on the way. I can't wait. But it's bittersweet because I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm 43, and have lost the ability to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.

Such as selling all my stuff (except a few pieces of equipment I'd need to do my job) and hopping a plane to Mexico to live on the beach for a year or two. A sunset every night, low rent, a blender with a limitless supply of limes and tequila, a hammock strung between two palm trees. I'd stroll inside a few times a day to do voiceover sessions, then spend the rest of my time swimming in the ocean, making friends with the locals and relaxing with my best friend.

Another dream was to live in Manhattan for a year. I love the bustle of the city. I love the food, the atmosphere, the lifestyle. I could store my vehicles in a warehouse and rent an apartment on the lower west side. I'd go to the diner on the corner every morning for breakfast, (a la Seinfeld) catch some shows on Broadway, hit all the museums, walk in Central Park...

I always wanted to live in a cabin about 9,000 feet high in the Rocky Mountains. I love the idea of spending a couple of quiet years writing, with a snow-covered mountain view for inspiration. I'd keep a fire burning almost constantly, and drive my Hummer into town during a snowstorm for supplies.

I wanted to live in France for a year or two, in a chalet somewhere in the Champagne province, among the rolling hills. From there I would take weekend trips to Normandy, Paris and the Riviera. I'd drink fine French wines, sleep in every morning and maybe invest in a winery.

Among all of it, I wanted to travel to Australia to hike the Outback (the steakhouse is a poor substitute) and experience a concert at the Sydney Opera House. I wanted to see the pyramids in Egypt. I wanted to camp in Yellowstone.

Plans change. Life's strange that way. Some of these things Em and I can still do, but much of it is permanently "on hold."

And it's all worth it.

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I forgot to mention that our friend Mikey and I won a contest for funniest Halloween costume!

We dressed up like the guys from the "dick in a box" video. (click the link, if you've never seen it - it's hilarious)


The costumes involved quite a bit of preparation. We actually put fake "junk" in the boxes and equipped them with a hinge mechanism so people could open them and peek inside.

Purchasing our rubber "junk" was quite an experience. Let me give you some advice: if you ever go into a dildo shop with another dude looking to buy something, take along a female chaperone. Thanks again, Violet.

To save money, we purchased a huge double-dong and cut it in "half." My part was about 1.5 inches long, and Mikey took the rest. (about 12 inches) We attached them to the inside of the box with drywall screws and adhesive. It's funny how women enjoyed looking in HIS box more than MINE! I thought size didn't matter.


Violet was a pregnant trailer-trash chick with a missing tooth, a pack of Virginia Slims and a Milwaukee's Best Light "tall boy." And still, quite hot.


After our victorious result, we're already working on next year's costume. If you have any ideas, please let me know.