Thursday, November 01, 2007

Apply directly to the forehead

If you're a consumer who has actually purchased the product Head On, you deserve a headache.

No offense, of course. It's not like you're stupid or anything, it's just... no wait. Yeah, it is like you're stupid.

Ironically the head-bone is the reason that using Head On is a bone-headed idea. If you apply it to your forehead, there is a huge barrier between the medicine and the pain... it's called the skull. Ironically, using Head On makes you a real numb-skull.

Ah, so much irony in such a stupid product.

The funniest line of the commercial (besides the annoying "apply directly to the forehead" crap) is "no prescription necessary."

No shit? Look, if your doctor tries to give you a prescription for this product, you should open your network provider booklet immediately.

End rant.


I was listening to a song from Buffett's album "Barometer Soup" this morning. Is it just me, or do the words "barometer soup" give you wanderlust?

I love the fact that Em and I have a baby on the way. I can't wait. But it's bittersweet because I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm 43, and have lost the ability to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.

Such as selling all my stuff (except a few pieces of equipment I'd need to do my job) and hopping a plane to Mexico to live on the beach for a year or two. A sunset every night, low rent, a blender with a limitless supply of limes and tequila, a hammock strung between two palm trees. I'd stroll inside a few times a day to do voiceover sessions, then spend the rest of my time swimming in the ocean, making friends with the locals and relaxing with my best friend.

Another dream was to live in Manhattan for a year. I love the bustle of the city. I love the food, the atmosphere, the lifestyle. I could store my vehicles in a warehouse and rent an apartment on the lower west side. I'd go to the diner on the corner every morning for breakfast, (a la Seinfeld) catch some shows on Broadway, hit all the museums, walk in Central Park...

I always wanted to live in a cabin about 9,000 feet high in the Rocky Mountains. I love the idea of spending a couple of quiet years writing, with a snow-covered mountain view for inspiration. I'd keep a fire burning almost constantly, and drive my Hummer into town during a snowstorm for supplies.

I wanted to live in France for a year or two, in a chalet somewhere in the Champagne province, among the rolling hills. From there I would take weekend trips to Normandy, Paris and the Riviera. I'd drink fine French wines, sleep in every morning and maybe invest in a winery.

Among all of it, I wanted to travel to Australia to hike the Outback (the steakhouse is a poor substitute) and experience a concert at the Sydney Opera House. I wanted to see the pyramids in Egypt. I wanted to camp in Yellowstone.

Plans change. Life's strange that way. Some of these things Em and I can still do, but much of it is permanently "on hold."

And it's all worth it.


I forgot to mention that our friend Mikey and I won a contest for funniest Halloween costume!

We dressed up like the guys from the "dick in a box" video. (click the link, if you've never seen it - it's hilarious)

The costumes involved quite a bit of preparation. We actually put fake "junk" in the boxes and equipped them with a hinge mechanism so people could open them and peek inside.

Purchasing our rubber "junk" was quite an experience. Let me give you some advice: if you ever go into a dildo shop with another dude looking to buy something, take along a female chaperone. Thanks again, Violet.

To save money, we purchased a huge double-dong and cut it in "half." My part was about 1.5 inches long, and Mikey took the rest. (about 12 inches) We attached them to the inside of the box with drywall screws and adhesive. It's funny how women enjoyed looking in HIS box more than MINE! I thought size didn't matter.

Violet was a pregnant trailer-trash chick with a missing tooth, a pack of Virginia Slims and a Milwaukee's Best Light "tall boy." And still, quite hot.

After our victorious result, we're already working on next year's costume. If you have any ideas, please let me know.


arthist99 said...

Best. costume. ever.
Love it!

Crystal said...

great now i have that commercial in my head. it's giving me a headache. clever marketing, those headon people. don't they have one for scars now?

Violet said...

By the way, shall we tell people that I'm not actually that pregnant... yet! Poly-fil all the way...

Glad I could help in the rubber dick shop. Anything for you guys!

I was thinking this morning about moving to the mountains and how beautiful it was when I lived in Breckenridge. I'd love to go back out there, perhaps "temporarily permanently," if you know what I mean. We could do that with a baby.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I hate to rub it in, but several of your mid-life plans sound like heaven.

But honestly, what were the odds of those things happening? Idle fantasy, most likely.

But Vi and the baby are the real deal, Holyfield.

Great pics.

Amandarama said...

Those do sound like excellent plans, but you'll still be able to do all kinds of stuff even with a baby. Plus, the baby might even inspire whole new different equally cool plans. You never know.

Excellent costumes!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

The penis box is a great idea. I think I'll do it for real next year, only, of course, I will need a much bigger box.

Fantastagirl said...

Congrats on the costumes - great ideas.

But with the Baby you get to be a kid again - and that is the best part!

Annie Jones said...

Somehow I thought you attached the hinge mechanism to the junk. It would've been a whole new spin on Jack-In-The-Box.

mckay said...

HA! great costumes. that was the best SNL in years. love it. btw, i've never been in a sex toy shop and never heard of a double dildo you could cut in half. the things you teach me...

JW said...

Well done. Excellent idea. Even better if you sang all night.

Lee Ann said...

Oh, excellent costumes!
That must have been a favorite at many Halloween parties. I saw someone here dressed like that.
Actually, you guys look better. Congratulations!!!
Have a great weekend!

Weary Hag said...

Neat costumes ... now wait a minute though. I used to live in a trailer park and I smoked Virginia Slims. Oh... phew... I wasn't pregnant at the time and wouldn't have been packin a tall boy. Oh yeah, and I wasn't missing any teeth either. (for a second there, I thought word had gotten out and you guys were making fun of me)

Have to agree with LBB here - the list sounded a little mid-life-crisisee to me too ... but I think if you think back - you'll remember dreaming about all the things you wanted to do before being a parent and I'll bet you still got to do many of them that time around and will still get to do many now as well!! (maybe even more now that you're with the right woman)

Just enjoy ... kick back and enjoy.

CP said...

That costume combo is amazing! What a great idea! Congrats on the baby, by the way! That was another great idea!