Thursday, December 20, 2007

Thought sausage

Recently I was talking to a friend about Emily in the abstract, and couldn't decide how to refer to her. Girlfriend seemed trite. Wife is waaaaay heavy (and not even accurate yet) (and so scary too) so I settled for fiancée.

After I got off the phone, it occured to me that fiancée is a really stupid word. It's way too complicated. Fee-ohhhns-aaaaay.

The English language is like a five-bedroom house that started as a one-bedroom bungalow. You can tell where the original house was, and the additions look like... well, additions.

Side note: Before you tell me fiancée is French, yeah I know. There is no simple English word for it. Betrothed? Ha, it's like the sound you make when you throw up. Prospective spouse seems a little formal and like you're not sure it's going to happen.
The language is a mess. Lead and led. They're, there, their. Damn, dam. C'mon, aren't there (They're? Their?) open words available that aren't being used, so we can simplify a little??? It is my opinion that this five-bedroom house needs to be torn down, and replaced with a nice atrium ranch with a pool.

Yeah, I'm suggesting starting the language almost from scratch.

Side note again: The Mexicans will hate us, since they've only just learned to say "please," "thank you" and "your shrubs need trimming and I can help" in English.
I think we should begin converting the longest words first. We can assign them unused one-syllable words. For instance, the longest word found in major dictionaries is Pneumonoultramicroscopic-
. Let's give it... meeb.

Another good one is Antidisestablishmentarianism. It is now ard. We'll use (you's?) all (awl?) possible combinations of single-syllable words first, then move on and add (ad?) a second syllable as needed. No (know?) two words will have the same sound.

One of the other words I'll be glad to (two? too?) see changed is cantaloupe. What the hell is the deal with THAT word? It's now ap. (which is fine, because it's pronounced "app," not "ape"... and app is no longer short for application, because application is now bem.)

And so (sew?) now, fiancée is... beeb.

Final side note: As an example of how stupid the language is, how ironic is it that abbreviation is a five-syllable word?

I was relieved to learn that they found a family that had been lost in the woods of Northern California for three days.

When they were back in civilization and were warmed up, they were asked how they survived in such harsh weather. "Jesus Christ" was their answer.

Let me say that I think faith in God is a fine thing, and many find great strength in their faith. (I don't go to church as often as I should, usually only around the holidays.) But it's sad to me that people rob themselves of credit for being smart, strong, or brave. It must be a pretty strange feeling not to feel like you're in control of your life. Personally, I think that Dad is pretty heroic.

Anyway, it reminded me of an old joke:

A guy was sitting on the roof of his house in a flood and a boat happened along. "Ahoy, climb aboard, we'll get you to dry land!"

"No, that's okay, I'm a man of faith and I'm waiting for God to rescue me." So the boat left.

A little later a helicopter hovered above and a man on a bullhorn shouted, "Grab the rope and we'll pull you up. The water's rising and you don't have long!"

"No thanks, I'm waiting for the Lord to save me. I'm sure he'll be along momentarily. Save someone else!" he said.

About then, a wave came down the river and knocked him from his perch and into the swirling water. A little while later he found himself at the gates of Heaven, talking to God himself. "Lord, I put all my faith in you to save me, and you didn't. Why?"

"Shoot, Bob, I gave you free will, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

(I love the idea that God would use a word like "shoot." Haha!)


Blogarita said...

As an example of how stupid the language is, how ironic is it that abbreviation is a five-syllable word?

As is monosyllabic.

I think you should just call Em your "ol' lady". I guess she might take offense, but it cracks me up when SG calls me that.

Violet said...

Feeb roo dep yud strem.

Just sayin'.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I used "antidisestablishmentarianism" in my computer Scrabble game yesterday.

Suck on that, Hasbro!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

And "Lawdy sakes". I saw that punch line coming. Nice one, Dude.

Fantastagirl said...


Lee Ann said...

Have a very Merry Christmas!
Lee Ann

Weary Hag said...

Just a quick drive-by here to wish you and your FEE-AHHHN-SAY and terrific holiday season and a year which we already know will be over-flowing with love and warmth and good health.

Ari said...

I concur that fiancee's a weird word. It's all wearing a beret amongst the other baseball cap wearin' words.