The Oil Man Murders

I had a lighter workload than usual, plus it's SIXTY degrees here today, so I took advantage of it by getting out of the office and doing some "fun" things, which I will unceremoniously list:

1 - Got a haircut by a hypochondriac stylist who is having her tonsils out soon and chose to gross the f*ck right out of me by telling me stories of pus and swelling.
2 - Changed the oil in my Hummer... which involved answering a litany of questions from the Jiffy Lube man about mileage, how it rides, its bad-weather maneuverability, do you get lots of offers of oral sex, etc. In return, I asked him about the viscosity and thermal breakdown characteristics of each of his products, in order to demonstrate what a pain in the ass the questioning had become. My next step would have been to make his head bleed.
3 - Tried to convince same oil guy that the concept behind requesting synthetic oil was less-frequent changes. "I CAN drive 6,000 miles on the synthetic stuff," I said. He told me he preferred I wouldn't... and began explaining why. I blacked out and "lost time," during which I may or may not have made his head bleed.
4 - Went to the car wash. So did everyone else within 40 statute miles. I began to understand how today was one of those "test" days. You know, the kind where you find out if you're a likely candidate to come unglued and start shooting the place up.
5 - Found out I am a candidate, just a very patient one. There is a time and place for everything...
6 - Went to both the Cingular and Sprint stores to compare bandwidth of their "high speed" PC cards. Found neither to be fast enough to buy one. Felt like a total loser/asshole/geek afterward. Attempted to drink away my feelings of insufficiency at a bar called O'Charley's.
7 - Got hit on by a woman who can't recognize signs of disinterest, apathy or revulsion. Her opening line was "are you a mortgage guy?" Yeah, um... thanks. "Are you a librarian?"
8 - Went home and threw some boneless beef backribs and asparagus on the grill. Drank copious amounts of scotch. Mixed Violet what I call a "Bladder Infection." (cranberry/ vodka)
9 - Wrote this blog entry with half a buzz. I am now going to attempt to half the other find. Er, find the other half. Whatever.

Have a great weekend, wherever you are. Delurk for a change and tell me what's up. By tomorrow, I will be read enough to (burp!!!) sober it. (shits pants)