Friday, January 26, 2007

The Oil Man Murders

I had a lighter workload than usual, plus it's SIXTY degrees here today, so I took advantage of it by getting out of the office and doing some "fun" things, which I will unceremoniously list:

1 - Got a haircut by a hypochondriac stylist who is having her tonsils out soon and chose to gross the f*ck right out of me by telling me stories of pus and swelling.
2 - Changed the oil in my Hummer... which involved answering a litany of questions from the Jiffy Lube man about mileage, how it rides, its bad-weather maneuverability, do you get lots of offers of oral sex, etc. In return, I asked him about the viscosity and thermal breakdown characteristics of each of his products, in order to demonstrate what a pain in the ass the questioning had become. My next step would have been to make his head bleed.
3 - Tried to convince same oil guy that the concept behind requesting synthetic oil was less-frequent changes. "I CAN drive 6,000 miles on the synthetic stuff," I said. He told me he preferred I wouldn't... and began explaining why. I blacked out and "lost time," during which I may or may not have made his head bleed.
4 - Went to the car wash. So did everyone else within 40 statute miles. I began to understand how today was one of those "test" days. You know, the kind where you find out if you're a likely candidate to come unglued and start shooting the place up.
5 - Found out I am a candidate, just a very patient one. There is a time and place for everything...
6 - Went to both the Cingular and Sprint stores to compare bandwidth of their "high speed" PC cards. Found neither to be fast enough to buy one. Felt like a total loser/asshole/geek afterward. Attempted to drink away my feelings of insufficiency at a bar called O'Charley's.
7 - Got hit on by a woman who can't recognize signs of disinterest, apathy or revulsion. Her opening line was "are you a mortgage guy?" Yeah, um... thanks. "Are you a librarian?"
8 - Went home and threw some boneless beef backribs and asparagus on the grill. Drank copious amounts of scotch. Mixed Violet what I call a "Bladder Infection." (cranberry/ vodka)
9 - Wrote this blog entry with half a buzz. I am now going to attempt to half the other find. Er, find the other half. Whatever.
Have a great weekend, wherever you are. Delurk for a change and tell me what's up. By tomorrow, I will be read enough to (burp!!!) sober it. (shits pants)

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

My glass of Bladder Infection is empty...

Dave Morris said...

remq,;lkiufdk;

Anonymous said...

a "Bladder Infection." Hilarious!

You know only you and like, one other male out there will understand why you call it that...

Brookelina said...

You drive a Hummer. I'm breaking up with you.

Anonymous said...

Add a shot of OJ and you have the infamous Fuzzy bladder infection.

Asparagus on the grill, half (or possibly all of) a buzz... man, your weekend kicks my weekend's ass so far!

Anonymous said...

mmmm grilling - it's windy out today - am hoping it dies down so I (I mean Mr. Incredible)can put a couple of steaks out there tonight!

Anonymous said...

well, i had plans for tonight, but i think i'm going to photoshop up a mortgage company logo on an old pocket protector and head to o'charley's.. is that the one on hwy K ?

Anonymous said...

You can't take a Hummer to a Jiffy Lube. That's just wrong. Jiffy Lube sucks balls.

I totally get the bladder infection thing. Do people really not know about cranberry juice? I thought everyone knew that.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, what part of town do you get your hair cut, my dear? As I too just visited my hypo stylist who is due to get her tonsils out very soon!!

Dave Morris said...

Nobody, there is no doubt that Jiffy Lube does in fact suck balls.

On the Bladder Infection drink, I think it has more to do with the color of the drink than the ingredients...

:0(

Anonymous said...

I think this wins the award for most bodily functions and/or maladies in a single post.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Drivin' Hummers, grillin' ribs, drinkin' scotch.

You're my new idol.

Amandarama said...

Mmmmm. Scotch. Thank goodness I get paid this week. I think I must go out and buy some...

Lee Ann said...

I got 4 inches cut off of my hair...it is still to my waist.
Oh yea! You have a hummer. I love those vehicles. Lucky you.
I think I made a promise to myself once, to not blog drunk again....but I cannot remember.

Have a great week Dave.

Dave Morris said...

Eve, unless you get your hair done at the "Hair Saloon for Men" we don't have the same stylist... ;)