Saturday, January 06, 2007

Random Enlightenment (only without the part about being enlightened)

Why are cats so arrogant about toys from the pet store, (which cost 20 bucks) yet will spend an entire afternoon chasing around a wad of paper? Because they are trying to make a point - you are stupid, they are crafty improvisors.


Never fill a person's mouth with spray-can whipped cream if you even have an inkling that they will spit it back in your face. That's just common sense.

You can tell someone over and over that you are an asshole, yet they insist on finding out for themselves. What's that about?


If humans are the dominant species, why can't we:
A: Remember that sun burns?
B: Remember that alcohol causes vomiting?
C: Remember to flush the goddamn toilet in public restrooms?
D: Remember that our kids say what WE say?
E: Remember to add the softener?

Why do we call them stop lights? They are green as much as they are red, yet we never call them go lights. Or gas-this-bitch-because-it's-almost-red lights.

My desire for sex is inversely proportionate to the read-out on the bathroom scale. That's why I masturbated with reckless abandon in high school... I weighed 142. Now at 210, I'm lucky if I want sex twice a day.

Beer costs 3.50 in a bar. There are 10.66667 bottles of beer in a gallon. That means beer costs $37.34 a gallon. Yet we cringe at:
A: Orange juice - 3.99 a gallon (for better nutrition)
B: Gas - 2.29 a gallon (to get to work)
C: KY Jelly - 166.08 a gallon (okay, bad example)


Why don't all insurance companies merge into one big company, and call it Shit Happens insurance? We already make insurance companies pay for our car accidents, major health problems, mechanical malfunctions, even cancelled flights and lost bets. I propose the new Shit Happens insurance company covers all these things and more... such as:
A: Bad meals
B: Ass chafing
C: Broken fingernails
D: Smaller-than-average breasts
E: Milk going bad before the expiration date

Seedless oranges, grapes, tangerines, watermelons... I ask you: WTF? Do oranges now give birth? My biology teacher always told me that you need seeds to grow a plant. (he also taught me that you never smoke the seed, but that's another story) How are we getting more than one tree of seedless... anything?

Until I learn how it works, I will consider each seedless thing a miraculous event... and worship it instead of consuming it.

Unless I'm hungry.


Anonymous said...

This explains a lot. I always thought when you said you were playing solo back in high school that you were talking about the saxophone.

Lee Ann said...

good little read....thanks, sweet dreams now!

Anonymous said...

funny stuff...

my parent's cats (may they rest in peace--the cats)...always liked to play with the little sandwich baggies tied in a know, and bat them around...

my dog, he is not that smart, he falls for the cheap squeaky toys every time, wagging tail and big cheezy grin on his face. (but it is precious).

thanks for visiting my blog. your comment was very kind. it's all good...and getting better :-)

you be well, too!

Anonymous said...

I think my cats just stuff their toys underneath the couch and then don't have a choice about playing with the piece of paper because they can't reach the others.

But, my cats may not be as bright as others.

And how exactly did you learn the whipped cream lesson? Please expound. :o)

Anonymous said...

I too have spent way to much on cat toys. All my cats really want is a darn shoe string. Go figure.

I personally prefer the seedless fruit. I hate having to pick the seeds out or spit them out. YUK!

I never thought about gas prices in that way. It still sucks paying $2.29 a gallon though.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Isn't a seedless-whatever actually a hybrid or something man-made?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Keen observations, BDD. Man, now you've got me wondering about "seedless" fruits.

Are they a genetic miracle, or just castrated homosexuals?

Anonymous said...

Words you DO NOT want to hear your insurance agent mumble: "Damn, that sucks.."

I think our cat Sigma manipulates us into allowing him the lifestyle that most kitties want. Dammit.

I still think "seedless watermelons" are a hoax. I've always found those white seeds inside. WTF? How about a rhindless, seedless watermelon? Or an orange?

Would a seedless orange have an orangina?