Never fill a person's mouth with spray-can whipped cream if you even have an inkling that they will spit it back in your face. That's just common sense.
You can tell someone over and over that you are an asshole, yet they insist on finding out for themselves. What's that about?
If humans are the dominant species, why can't we:
A: Remember that sun burns?_____
B: Remember that alcohol causes vomiting?
C: Remember to flush the goddamn toilet in public restrooms?
D: Remember that our kids say what WE say?
E: Remember to add the softener?
Why do we call them stop lights? They are green as much as they are red, yet we never call them go lights. Or gas-this-bitch-because-it's-almost-red lights.
My desire for sex is inversely proportionate to the read-out on the bathroom scale. That's why I masturbated with reckless abandon in high school... I weighed 142. Now at 210, I'm lucky if I want sex twice a day.
Beer costs 3.50 in a bar. There are 10.66667 bottles of beer in a gallon. That means beer costs $37.34 a gallon. Yet we cringe at:
A: Orange juice - 3.99 a gallon (for better nutrition)
B: Gas - 2.29 a gallon (to get to work)
C: KY Jelly - 166.08 a gallon (okay, bad example)
Why don't all insurance companies merge into one big company, and call it Shit Happens insurance? We already make insurance companies pay for our car accidents, major health problems, mechanical malfunctions, even cancelled flights and lost bets. I propose the new Shit Happens insurance company covers all these things and more... such as:
A: Bad meals_____
B: Ass chafing
C: Broken fingernails
D: Smaller-than-average breasts
E: Milk going bad before the expiration date
Seedless oranges, grapes, tangerines, watermelons... I ask you: WTF? Do oranges now give birth? My biology teacher always told me that you need seeds to grow a plant. (he also taught me that you never smoke the seed, but that's another story) How are we getting more than one tree of seedless... anything?
Until I learn how it works, I will consider each seedless thing a miraculous event... and worship it instead of consuming it.
Unless I'm hungry.