Sunday, June 29, 2008

When the "roll" is called up yonder

Friday night, what began as a nice dinner at McGurk's (without children) turned into a high-school level prank. (which are the best kind)

After a few drinks, Emily suggested it might be fun to Kareoke. For whatever reason, the rest of us agreed. (fewer cocktails and I would have put my foot down - I am not a fan of Karaoke) During the process of waiting her turn, Chris and I soundly kicked Wendy and Em's asses at a game of darts.

Em karaoke'd "I Touch Myself" and as we prepared to leave, someone got the hair-brained idea that we should TP Dr. Mike.

Let me make myself perfectly clear. I hate the concept of TP-ing. Nothing is harder to get out of a tree than six double rolls of Charmin, and I've decided that if anyone TPs me, I will force them to clean it up at gunpoint.

We decided that we'd do it the easy (less messy) way. One stop at the Super Wal Marts and we had purchased 72 rolls of high-quality butt-wipe. Funny thing is, I put it on my American Express and got travel points.

After another stop at QT for a 12-er of Pabst Blue Ribbon (it seemed the only appropriate beer for TP-ing) we entered Mike's backyard under the cover of night.

I wish we had a camera because I can't do it justice, but basically we spelled out "Hi Mike!" on his backyard berm with rolls of TP stacked end to end. We never unrolled it, lucky for Mike.

Afterward, we sat on his patio (without him ever hearing us) and drank the PBR, so we could leave our empties scattered about.

Next morning my phone rang. I answered it with "paybacks are hell, aren't they?" Mike said "Uh oh. What did you do?"

"Have you even bothered to look out your back window??"

That's probably the worst thing to hear when you're not home. He had to wait 30 minutes to see what we had done... which was just great for me. Sweet, tormented anticipation.

A couple of years ago, Mike had TP'd me in much the same manner while I was on vacation. I never forgot. Don't you hate it when retribution happens after you've forgotten you had it coming?

Unfortunately it didn't rain, so clean-up consisted of picking up dry rolls of ass parchment. You're lucky, Mike. Next time we'll do your pine tree. (Poor Paula - look at the crap she has to put up with because of her prank-happy hubby!)


Violet said...

exactly how did we end up with two boxes of hershey's bars from the wal-marts? oh, yeah - we were d-r-unk and i thought that 2 for $4 was just too good a deal to pass up.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sir,

I am Ngulu Mbeke of Nigerian Central Bank. As you know I recently have become inheritor of 2.7 million rolls of ass parchment. I need your help to remove ass parchment from country as it is currently tied up in petty litigation. I am good Christian, I wish to open chain of Christian hamburger stands. I dream to make no Christian go unhamburgered for year of 2009. All I ask is your help to make wire transfer of ass parchment and you become business partner in lucrative and good-willed enterprise for Christian cause. Will you accept shipment of 2.7 million rolls of ass parchment? Unfortunately complicated postal system in Nigeria requires lengthy deposit for prior securing. As reward I will also give to you 37% of my inheritance. Please do not refuse this earnest plea for help. I humbly await your affirmative response.

Yours in Christian need,
Mgwomo Mufasta

P.S. If you refuse this humble request, no birds will land whilst you speak.