Things I accomplished this weekend

• Cleaned kitchen countertops. Realized that my cleaning lady will be here Monday. Spread ketchup and bananas on them again so cleaning lady could retain her healthy level of self-worth.
• Watched Lewis Black's "Red, White and Screwed" on HBO, realized his earlier years were definitely his funniest.
• Got a haircut. Made small talk with the cosmetologist about where she's from, where she went to school, whether she liked working for Hair Saloon... none of which I gave even the slightest shit about.
• Assembled iPod docking station, receiver/equalizer, speakers, attached satellite receiver, re-routed television signal, effectively providing an audio experience in my upstairs living room that only mildly rivals the one downstairs in my family room. Turned on the newly assembled system. Watched Skinemax with the sound turned all the way up. Gave the cops who arrived minutes later this insane story about the spirit of Ernest Borgnine, a wood chipper and a conspiracy involving The Jelly Beans' failed musical career. Chortled wildly and flung my own poo until they left.
• Had a dream in which I singlehandedly solved many of the inherent challenges a landlocked country such as Botswana experiences with exportation of mineral extraction products, as well as other goods and services. Woke up and forgot to write it down. Nuts!
• (here's one for my accountant, Beth) Opened months-old statements and reconciled my corporate and personal accounts. They all balanced to the penny.
• Got on my knees and thanked God they balanced, because if I'm a penny off, I tend to overreact, sometimes with self-destructive results.
• Cleared off TiVos, erasing shows I've already seen and deleting email messages from DirecTV encouraging me not to miss the latest WWE Smackdown. Damn, I missed it.
• Ravenously consumed nearly an entire box of Thin Mints, followed by a quart of 34-degree milk. Lapsed into a sugar/lactose coma. Woke up and it was 36 hours later.
• Lit a candle, instead of cursing the dark.
• Entertained funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung. They said, "here comes the big boss, lets get it on." We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand. The sudden motion made me skip, now we're into a brand new trip.

I can hardly wait until Monday.