Friday, September 15, 2006

Things on this blog have been way too heavy lately...

... So I am going to prepare you for the weekend with a delightful amalgamation of questionably entertaining postulation designed to make you cogitate.

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The lease on my car is almost up, so I set out recently to test drive two cars: the Pontiac Solstice and the Saturn Sky. It is the year of the cheap roadster, and both of these cars come in under 30-grand.

First, I stopped at the Pontiac dealership. After looking at a Solstice for a few minutes, a salesman walked up and asked if he could help. I told him I wanted to test drive one.

They don't allow test drives.

To repeat - They. Don't. ALLOW. Test. Drives.

With a "you're fuckin' KIDDING me" look on my face, I listened... as he told me it's because people don't want to buy a car with miles on it. No shit, Sherlock, but that's one of the real bummers of SELLING CARS.

I asked him how they expect me to buy one without a test drive, and he said I can test drive it after I've signed the papers and given them a deposit.

Obviously, I walked away at that point... mostly because I didn't want to risk the possibility that I would whack him on the back of the head with my elbow for being stupid.

I headed to the Saturn dealership for a look at the Sky. They had none in stock, they only get TWO in per month, and they have FIFTY people on a waiting list who have paid a 500 dollar deposit.

I suppose I will be sticking with a BMW, in the form of a Z4... although I really, really like the Sky... and I was kinda in the mood to save about 30 grand.

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Bummer stickers (misspelling intentional) piss me off.

First: People! They make your car look like shit!

QUICK NON SEQUITUR: Barry Manilow, Looks Like We Made It, just came on my ipod. You're damned right it did... and I'm just man enough to admit I turned it up a little bit.
Second, stop being pious and spreading your "morality" via a plastic adhesive strip on the back of your 1975 Vega... instead, why not try leading your own life. (and leading by example) Who are you to tell me things like "You can't be catholic AND pro-abortion"? Maybe I should put one on my car that says "You can't read this bumper sticker AND have a large penis."

And those Jesus vs. Darwin fish stickers have more versions than Dennis Rodman's panty drawer. I suppose you expect to change my mind about evolution because I'm stuck behind your sorry ass on the outbound 70? More likely, I want to get out and hit you with a stick for riding your goddamn brakes.

Or, "Hungry? Eat your import." (irony, this American car was a piece of shit)

I HAVE laughed at a few:

"Got Pie?"
"Politeness is the most acceptable hypocrisy."
"Hype always prevails."
"Men have feelings too. Just kidding."

And, for whatever reason, I dislike the "honor student" bumper stickers... although, the one that says "My C average student can kick your honor-roll student's ass" makes me chuckle.

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I intend to start an email forwarding campaign:

I sent you this email because you are a fellow victim. Your email address showed up on a list of recipients from a forward I received today.

Please forward this to anyone you wish would stop sending you forwards. Send it to everyone you know, and have them forward it to their friends. Once the message is clear that forwards waste bandwidth, time and resources, maybe we will all stop receiving forwards.

Help me in my quest to STOP THE MADNESS. Forward this anti-forward message to everyone on your mailing list!

The irony is, they probably wouldn't "get it." The campaign would probably be successful... and by "successful," of course I mean "unsuccessful." Catch 22.

Forwards are the scourge of the internet... especially the ones that talk about how Bill Gates is going to mail you a check for $35,000 just because you are stupid enough to click "forward."

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to respond to an email from a nice man from Nigeria, and then go mansion-shopping.

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Interesting addendum: Yesterday's post about the anniversary of my failed marriage was the 666th post of my blog. Unintentional, which makes it all the more freaky.

13 comments:

Chicken said...

I hate the Calvin stickers that are pissing on Ford and Chevy emblems or praying before a cross. Poor Calvin.

ned Wilkinson said...

I love that new Saturn (I'm on my second Saturn) but 1.) I need WAY more space to haul equipment around (hence my Vue) and 2.) no one is particularly jumping up and down to see me cruising around in a convertible...

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Don't get me started on bumper stickers. I hate them.

Bumper sticker mentalities are dangerous.

Think about how cock-sure and closed-minded you have to be to paste a slogan on your car.

Mishka said...

Wow, Dave, you make me laugh...I can't stand those honor student ones either...I know that at first it was supposed to be this noble support for the kids thing but now it just seems like bragging.

I have to ask though, why do you lease???? Is it better for you economically, or do you get to write it off on your taxes for your business, or what? Everything I have ever heard about leasing says it is a bad idea, so I am just curious how it works for you.

paula said...

Have you read my take on bumper stickers on my blog? The one that inspired me to write abou them:

EAT MORE GRITS!!
(girls raised in the south)

Seriously...

Blogarita said...

Damn it Dave, you know how I hate to cogitate on the weekend.

Kimmy said...

Dave,

Great to have you back on track. I recommend the 2007 Camry Hybrid. And I always suspected you were a Fanilow.

K.

rachel said...

I hate the stickers that say
"If you can read this then you are too close".

I had to get too close to read the writing on your car asshole

Violet said...

The trick to getting Dave to read forwards is to make them look like they aren't forwards. Delete the "FW:" from the subject line and remove the huge list of e-mail addresses from the top so that he is tricked into opening it and reading it.

I only do that with the really good ones, though...

Lee Ann said...

Wow, I didn't realize it is so hard to buy a car these days. Wtf...buy without test driving. Suppose you sign the papers, test drive it, then say Forget it! Ugh, what a waste of time.
Bumper stickers ~ I want to have one that says "Who ever invented these dumb things?"
Have a great week Dave!

Randy Raley said...

Well, I like Barry Manilow, although I am more of an "Even Now" fan. I don't have him on my Ipod, though. Dan Fogelberg maybe. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Well maybe....

Kimmy said...

Helloooooo?
This is your blog calling.... Getting desperate for a moment of your time. Don't make mme write without you.

Chris Cope said...

Bumper sticker for the people driving the Sky: "I paid $500 fucking dollars to test drive a SATURN."