Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Inventions by Dave

Things I'd like to see patented and marketed:

  • House paint which contains termite poison. Why hasn't this been done already? Isn't it ultra-obvious?
  • Deodorant soap bars with a little bottle of actual deodorant in the middle. Use the Lever 2000, then uncap the end and roll on the stink-resistant. Morning prep time will be cut in half.
  • Car seat vents. Install a seat bottom with little holes, connected to an exhaust fan vented to the outdoors. Fart all you want with the windows up... who cares! I will buy the first one for my friend Dr. Mike, (heart of gold, colon of sulphur) who could make a hyena puke. The second one will go to Bill.
  • Underwear laced with jock-itch medication. Self explanatory. (and why does the same medication treat jock itch AND athlete's foot? Is that totally weird, or is it just me?)
  • Wine laced with aspirin.
  • Hustler magazines with handy-wipes between the pages. Duh.
  • An airplane made of either rubber, or the same shit the black box is made of. Suddenly, no more fatalities during a crash.
  • Speaking of airplanes, the restrooms should come equipped with a "changing table"... and I don't mean to really change diapers on. We all know what people are doing in there, so we might as well make it convenient.
  • Red Bull with vodka or other mixers already in it. Isn't that the REAL reason we buy it anyway? Who has consumed a Red Bull straight up? I rest my case.
  • Roads that are rubber, and tires that are concrete. I don't know why. I guess I'm just running out of ideas.
  • Fingernail clippers that catch the nails before they shoot across the room. Another one whose lack of existence shocks me.
I will continue examining new ways to improve the world, and report back to you.


Violet said...

I have a fingernail clipper that catches the clippings before they are projected across the bathroom. So, you just need to buck up and buy a high-end clipper... They really are the only way to go.

phoenix said...

How about Lazyboys with universal remotes built into the armrest?

Susan R said...

If you have noticed the Jock itch cream costs more than the athlete's foot cream, so whats up with that if they are the same medicine, I compared (not for me, my son lol), that would be weird.

Anonymous said...

I love Red Bull straight up.

VM said...

some of your ideas seem worth examining seriously

Dr. Mike said...

Rancid writing, man. You're harsh. I do, however, like the idea about the termite paint.

How about edible hamburger wrappers.

How about a remote-controlled front doors unlocker to your home?

How about a ROM chip that holds Windows XP in memory so boot time is instant? (Hee hee, I said ROM)

How about the invention of a caller ID that will allow you to see the fucker that stealths his call?

rachel said...


Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Several of those ideas could make you rich, Big Daddy Dave. I like the terminte-poison paint the best. That's just damn good thinking!

Fantastagirl said...

I love the termite paint -why hasn't that been made? Probably for the same reason they took the lead out - apparently kids eat paint. I don't know any kids that eat paint - but someone, somewhere, let their child eat paint, so maybe that's why.

Lee Ann said...

I think the airplane made of rubber is an excellent idea. I have always thought all cars should be made of a flexible rubber.
Very good ideas here!

Anonymous said...

Those are great ideas!

Kimmy said...

Edible Wrapping paper. Seriously, what a waste. Why not unwrap your gifts and enjoy a little snack while admiring your new toys? Could be like Rice paper, or like Fruit rollups?

It's Me, Maven... said...

Love the bit about the Hustler wipes...

And if they can't make a car seat vent, why not impregnate the upholstery with charcoal to diffuse and neutralize the butt fumes?

Wanna be boggled? The same fungus that is athlete's foot and jock itch is the same for a vaginal yeast infection:)

Just thought I'd share.

S. A. F. said...

I would buy at least half of those inventions! Especially the Red Bull.

Mishka said...

Nice list...great ideas

Ari said...

Jock itch and foot itch... both a fungus amongus. :) Good ideas!

NeverEnough said...

You're a damn genius!!