Monday, July 24, 2006

Pray all you want, you're still going to die

While I'm not particularly afraid of many things, I am disturbed by scorpions, trains and sewing machines.*

NOT on that list, but one of the things that make my skin crawl, are praying manti. (is that plural for mantis?)

In the open-air courtyard at Norton's Cafe in Soulard, I noticed a praying mantis crawling along the railing. He stopped and cocked his head to look at me.

This freaked me right out.

First, I should explain my issue with insects - they don't bother me unless they exhibit non-insect tendencies. For instance, the mantis can turn his head. That is an animal characteristic! The scorpion looks like a lobster, and the little bastard stings with that "tail." ONLY ANIMALS have tails!

Jesus, I get the heebie jeebies just writing about it.

So back to Norton's. I flicked the praying mantis through the air really hard. Enough, I thought, that he would lose that swivelling little freakish head of his. No such luck, but I watched where it landed, walked over to check it out, and realized I was standing at the base... of a huge PRAYING MANTIS SCULPTURE.

It was an eerie moment, one of those times when you think: "Now I've done it, I've killed a mascot and the entire staff will soon arrive at my table, stab me to death and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks."

What kind of place exhaults the goddamn praying mantis??? They aren't even really praying, which is clearly sacrilege.

I'm not too sure I'll be going back to Norton's.


*sewing machines appear to be the only fear I've not explained here. I have this unrealistic feeling that the pedal will stick, my finger will get tangled in the fabric and be drawn into the workings of the machine, where the huge needle will drive itself through my finger and I will bleed to death because nobody is near. Yes, it is a real fear. No, I've never even used a sewing machine. Don't judge me.

14 comments:

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

That's it Dave. I officially love you. I've been wanting an excuse to get out of my grandma teaching me to sew. I'm going to read this over and over again until I memorize it so she'll think I'm a freak like you. You're so aweseome! :-)

mcBlogger said...

Oh Dave, I had a great laugh over the sewing machine. I share the same sentiments about bugs, especially since my brush with a giant wolf spider that was hunting my sleeping head last year while camping. Shiver!

Violet said...

Don't worry, Dave... I'll protect you from the scary praying manti...

(My mom, raised Catholic, always said that it was bad luck to hurt a praying mantis. You're probably going to hell...)

paula said...

Ya know the female praying mantis kills its spouse after mating....I wonder why that is?

Dave Morris said...

Paula - Yeah. Gee. I wonder...


You're married to Dr. Mike, so I'm sure you're question was rhetorical! :)

Mishka said...

I had an itty bitty preying mantis on my beach towel this weekend and it was so cute. While I was trying to shoo it away, it kept standing on its hind legs like it was going to put up a fight...so cute.

Ned Wilkinson said...

And you worry about the stories *I* post on your blog? ;)

arthist99 said...

No, those suckers are downright creepy, especially when they look right at you, like they can tell you are another being, like they SHOULDN'T be able to do.

On the other hand, they are pretty wicked looking.

greeny said...

You make me laugh, Dave. It's a pleasure to read your posts...

Fantastagirl said...

That is why I do not have a sewing machine in this house - because when you sew your finger to whatever it is that you are sewing it hurts like heck... or that's what I've been told. Yeah, that it's - that's what they say.

Lee Ann said...

Those would freak me out too.
How funny, I used the words heebie jeebies today in one of my comments!
I remember how you grossed out when I showed the scorpion I found in my bathtub!

Blogarita said...

A praying mantis doesn't bother me, but walking sticks are kinda creepy. Probably because I flicked one across a restaurant one time and then realized I was standing right beside a guy using a cane.

Michelle O'Neil said...

I have a similar fear of my food processor. Everytime I use it..I imagine one of my digits, chopped off, circling around, turning the chicken salad or whatever I'm making into blood stew.

SistaSmiff said...

I was going to say what Blogarita said...walking sticks...they don't necessarily scare me but they're quite interesting.