Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Various Anomalous Pisstivity

Why is the Moon just... the Moon?

I want to know why scientists, astronomers and pastry chefs everywhere have dissed our own satellite by giving it a shitty name, while assigning exotic and godly names to the satellites of OTHER planets.

How does Jupiter score names like Europa, Ganymede, Callisto, Io... while we get "Moon?" How does Saturn get Pan, Atlas, Prometheus, Pandora and Janus, while our own satellite rates such a shabby name? Size doesn't seem to matter in this case... the relatively diminutive Mars has Phobos and Deimos.

Even the "little planet that could," Pluto, has a satellite called Charon. That's kind of sexy - say it aloud.. "Charon." (Wasn't that a huge song from the 80's by The Knack? Oh, sorry, that was My Sharona)

Even our star gets a raw deal. "Sun." Huh? Why not Sirius, or Centaurus? Damn, even Betelgeuse has a better name.

I'm pissed, so I'm assigning a new name to our satellite - like it, or screw off. It shall now be called "Phillip."

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I bought a new laptop this week.

My old one, an HP 5000 series, is great - it had a 60 gig hard drive and a 3 Ghz processor, but the port where you charge the battery was wearing out and would barely make contact. I inquired as to the cost of repair, and it would have cost about 25 percent as much as a brand new HP dv8113cl. 17 inch screen, 120 gig hard drive, Media Center, DVD burner, 64 bit... yeah, it was a pretty easy decision.

So, if you'd like to buy my old laptop, it's for sale. Great machine...

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Why do restaurants leave the tails on shrimp even when served as part of a pasta (or similarly messy) dish? You get cream sauce all over your fingers, fer chrissake.

Some places also leave the mussels in the shell. Why? I understand presentation, but doesn't practicality mean anything? Screw the fancy look, I want to NOT need a wet-nap. Is that so difficult?

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My lower back has been hurting pretty badly for the past few days, so finally I broke down and saw my doctor about it. After running tests and taking X-rays, he told me I have simply strained and over-exerted it. How, I wondered, had I done that? I've done little more than stand behind a microphone for the past 25 years!

Then, it hit me. It's all that "carrying across the threshold" that did me in! I will forever have a bad back because I can't seem to stay single.

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I find it funny that the group Train has a song called "Cab." Just sayin'...

8 comments:

Trinette said...

P-h-i-l-l-i-p! That spells Moon!

Just Some Guy on the Radio said...

FYI -- our star's name is Sol. Kinda "Soprano-ish", doncha think?

And for the moon, I think "DAVE" would be much better. I mean, when you think of Dave Morris, you DEFINITELY think moon!

Blogarita said...

I could use a new laptop. One with less cellulite.

Word Verify: smenita. Not sure what it means, but it sounds kind of catchy: Smenita Blogarita. Kind of dirty, too.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I'll bet Cab Calloway had a song named "Train."

Yeah, but what are you going to call the Big Dipper, for crap's sake? Arnold?

Amandarama said...

You can call the moon whatever you'd like. I do. And, when I've had enough whisky, sometimes it answers.

StringMan said...

Everyone knows the Moon was named after that thing you do, when you pull down your pants and show someone your ass. Mars was named after that candy bar. Pluto was named after that cartoon character ... do I have to go on?

heidi said...

Maybe you should marry lighter women.

Weary Hag said...

Phillip is making an earlier than usual appearance this evening.

And hey, that old laptop of yours... does it come complete with the whole unedited hard drive in place, cuz I wouldn't mind checking what you've been doing online all this time.