Friday, March 17, 2006

Something different?

I'm sure you're looking for a place to go for refuge from all the incessant St. Patrick's Day blog entries.

Sorry, you've come to the wrong place.

Irish Palm Pilot

This made me laugh. I love being Irish, even if it's just for one day.


The police have a field day on this holiday, which reminded me of a fantasy of mine to be a cop for ONE day. I wrote about it last year:

Please, just endulge my fantasy for a moment.

What is the fine for littering, anyway? The first thing I'd do if I were a cop is stop every single person I caught throwing out their cigarette butts. Neither the road, nor the grill of my car, are your personal ashtrays. Those little butts have a half-life longer than a pair of my socks, so put it in your ashtray or your ass. I don't care. Just keep it off the road.

I'd stop every mini van. I'd find a reason. End of statement.

I'd stop every person who refuses to leave the left lane. What is your problem, stud? Can't you see the left lane is for passing? Okay, so you sleep on the left side of the bed and masturbate with your left hand. Neither is a reason for what you're doing. Slide over. Let the faster drivers pass, so I can bust their ass down the road doing 80 in a 65.

I'd stop my fellow cops for speeding up through yellow lights, failing to use their turn signal and for double parking. If only to laugh at my own bombastic gall, because of course I believe in doing all these things. But for whatever reason, I would just want my fellow officers to come to hate me. I really don't know why.

I would stop every single person who ever passed me. Even if they're only doing the speed limit. I would want them to meet the cop they just had the balls to pass. No tickets, of course, just to say hello. And, that you have balls.

I'd throw in jail EVERY person who believes they are more important than the next guy. Some of those people include:

  • The guy who is in the middle of the intersection stuck behind other cars when the light turns red. He's blocking traffic going the other way. He's an asshole. He's going to jail.
  • The person who blocks traffic because they forgot they need to turn left, so they sit there with their turn signal on, blocking traffic behind them, so THEY can cut in when the cars in that lane begin to move. God forbid you would be considerate of others' schedules, you're the important one, right? SCREW you buddy, go straight and turn around. Don't make others wait behind you because you were daydreaming. And by "others," of course I mean me.
  • The jackass who thinks he knows when his light is ready to turn green by watching the other lights, and jumps the gun. Little does asshole know, he has no anticipatory prowess... so now half of his car is sticking out into the intersection. And I'm there to bust his poor-timing, self-centered, in-a-hurry ass. Me. The cop.

I have a very healthy fantasy life.


Nichole said...

"I'd stop every mini van. I'd find a reason. End of statement."

I's sooo there with you on that one. Soccer Mom's and any other lil tiny woman that feel's she needs to drive a huge ass Suburban or Navigator. WTF?

Heck, my son is only 10 and he already really dislikes Minivan drivers.

Trinette said...

Yeah, well, I dislike you all right back...especially that hag in the white Lexus this morning who WOULD NOT get off her cell phone long enough to move her ass over to the left lane to let me merge onto the highway.


I feel much better now...

Dave Morris said...

Uh. Oh.

I can already feel a swell of resentment from the mini-van drivers. Know what? Fine - bring it on. I know WAY too many people who have one child, so they think it's a RULE that they have to get a mini-van.

If you have 3 kids, okay... or if you deliver sheet cakes or plywood for a living. Or, if you traffic drugs in your "my kid's an honor student" sticker-covered mini-van, that would be a good cover, for sure. But if you drive one just because you have one child and think your family needs it, you are part of the homogenization of America.

Mine may be an unpopular stance, but it had to be said. Having said it, just because you own a mini-van doesn't mean I don't love you. I love all my readers equally. (almost)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I am going to do ALL of this BECAUSE I KNOW YOU AIN'T REALLY A COP!!! Ho ho har de har har, Phony.

Nice glasses, though.

Ken Dillon said...

Speaking of the cigarette butt thing:

Years ago, a guy that I worked with and I were coming back from a remote, and we were stopped behind a car at a red light. THe driver rolled her window down, flicked out the remnants of a still-burning butt, and all of a sudden Mike, the guy that was with me, is getting out of the passenger side of the station van. I'm watching in awe as he walks over to her door, bends down, picks it up, and hnads it back to her saying "Ma'am, I think you dropped this," then he walks back over, gets back in the van, the light turns green and the lady just stares in amazement.

Funny as Hell. And damn effective!

Trinette said...

Thanks goodness I'm not part of the homogenization of America...I don't have any kids in my van 99% of the time.

You know our story; we hated them, too, until we drove one a few times. We still hate SUVs, and you can just shoot me if I ever start acting like a soccer mom.

Mini-vans come in very handy for all the things we like to do, like having sex in the driveway and going camping. Oh, yeah, and drug trafficking, too.

rick james said...

you know, dave, we're going to have to have words about the recycling of blog entries. i'm just sayin'...

and i know, i know.... when you say you (almost) love all your readers the same amount, it is because you love me the MOST! :o)

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Angry posts are always the funniest!

I love your ideas at the bottom, Dave. And I know exactly the kind of drivers you're talking about!

Weary Hag said...

All those people you say you'd pull over in your fantasy? Pretty inclusive list, Dave, but you did forget one group. Rhode Islanders. Just for being Rhode Islanders.

In your fantasy, do you take bribes? Cuz that would be cool considering it's a fantasy and all.

By the way, I do NOT hate Rhode Islanders ... in fact, I love them just like you love ALL your readers.

StringMan said...

I'll gladly ride shot-gun with you. But we have to eat donuts while we're bustin' these jerks, 'kay?