Sunday, March 19, 2006

Pooper scooper

It appears that picking up dog shit from the yard inspires deep thinking.

As I was dropping the jetsam from Regis' debris field into a grocery bag today, a few things occurred to me:

The neighbor's yard looks better than mine. Regardless of the fact that all yards in this neighborhood are cared for by the same group of Mexican illegals, I am convinced his grass is greener.


It is impossible to smile when picking up shit. Even if you contrive a crooked grin, it will disappear as you attempt to grip the log with whatever tool you're using... usually devolving into something akin to a grimmace. There is also a slight turning of the head sideways, as if looking directly at the manure will cause facial burns.


The tool you use says a lot about your personality. A scoop indicates a straight-forward person who attacks a job quickly and efficiently. A dustpan-type tool is a sign of creativity, the user approaching the job with a flair for the dramatic. In my case, I use this thing that resembles a piece of earth-moving equipment. It indicates power, control, and a penchant toward genius.


You shouldn't use kitchen utensils to pick up canis crap. My neighbor uses a large soup spoon, and I just can't endorse that. Nothing I would ever put into my mouth will be used to pick up fecal matter, because I'm fairly aloof, and often deep in thought. What if I got confused?


Regis clearly rules the household. How could it be perceived differently? He barks, I drop everything and let him outside. He whines, I feed him. He brings me his "sockie," we play tug-of-war. And, once a week, I rummage around the yard to retrieve his brownies.


Why has nobody invented a doggie toilet and training program for its use?


Chile, a country of startling contrasts and extreme beauty, is more than eighteen times LONGER than its widest point. Yes, sometimes while cleaning up dookie, you think about South American geography.


Note to self: stop feeding Regis peanuts.

And then, I was finished. And humbled. Time to clean the cat box - but that's the subject of another blog...


Trinette said...

Word verify: yuzpakpi

I think in your case, it's yuzpakpoo!

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

One can not begin to describe the internal thoughts that go through one's head while picking up a pile of man's best friend's poop. Usually I'm thinking, "Whoa I hope no one is looking at my ass as I bend over to pick this up".

And what does it say about my personality if #1 I use the little bags to pick it up with and pull it through to create a little garbage bag OR #2 during the winter months I rarely clean it up at all only to let it freeze solid and become one with the Earth?

Keep talking about poop Dave. You'll be a man after my own heart. :-)

Ari said...

Lots of times, I just make a point of walking the pup elsewhere (like along a side street that's not residential) to avoid pooscoopin.

Otherwise, I just use a coupla balled up grocery bags (plastic).

I have to agree with my friend Tia though... if they were truly PETS, they'd be cleaning up after US. :)

Raehan said...


I thought only "Mommy bloggers" wrote about poop.

Your dog gets waaaay more attention than our dog.

Our dog just gives me the stare when she wants to go out. It's hilarious.

Mindy said...

Considering the size of my dog - daschund - you would think he would leave me relatively small presents in the back yard. OH NO...I think he stores it up in his long body. ha ha
I'm not a big fan of the scooping ritual but I use several (and what I mean by several, 5-6 at least) target bags. You never know when one might have a hole!

Chris Cope said...

What if you use a inside-out shopping bag? I always find it interesting that people will indeed turn their bags inside-out, as if it is important for the brand name of said shopping bag to show clearly even when the bag is used for dog poop.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

So, how many brownies could fit inside Chile, horizontally?

StringMan said...

A real man would use chop sticks ... dog sushi.

phoenix said...

There was a guy in MI who started a company called Pooper Scoopers... he cleared a million his first year in business cleaning up rich peoples yards of their dogs poop. Seriously!

I've thought about it here. My own hours..., gloves, mask and a diaper genie ;)

heidi said...

Can't do it. Just can't. I know, I'm lame. And yes, I've changed PLENTY of diapers.

Shannon said...

LOL that was some funny chit... Sometimes a bright idea strkes us at the strangest times lol

Thanks for visiting me too!

Lee Ann said...

Oh, I can just picture you and Regis playing with the "sockie" cute!
I completely understand about the cat box.
Cody and Darbi are very particular. It gets cleaned every day and dumped once a week. As soon as I put out the fresh box, Darbi has to use it. I think she waits on purpose.
Ugghhhh! My work is never done.

Unacknowledged Genius said...

my pooper scooper is bigger and better than your pooper scooper.

Chicken said...

You crack me up!

I remember having to clean up after our dog's accidents when I was a kid. I swear I almost threw up everytime from the smell and the texture.

Oh by the way my Dad's rapper name would be Scoop Doggy PooP. Word.

Amandarama said...

I like dogs, but I have no yard. I can only imagine what he or she would do to the inside of my apartment.

Rob Seifert said...

I'm feeling your pain Dave! Baxter is about 13wks old and still sh**ting in the house if he gets a chance. I've yet to de-mine the backyard though with spring already here, I'll probably have to send one or all of the kids out...


kristy said...

If you're ever in Seattle, stop by. I have a couple of cat boxes you can clean!