I'll take "things that are ridiculous" for 200, Alex

Part 1:

There is a website that can predict the approximate year of your death. Or, spinning it in a more positive way, predict the length of your life. Yeah, that sounds better.

I should point out that I don't really think it's ridiculous, but since the title of my post is "things that are ridiculous..." I'm going to ask you to go with it.

According to the website, (found at Steve Mays' blog) my current "real age" is 32. (they say 40 is the new 30, right?) You get huge points for having family who live longer than average, for not smoking, and for eating breakfast. Also factored in, family disease history, etc. It says I should live to be 86 before I croak. Today, I am exactly half that.

It's all downhill from here.

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Part 2:

A British woman is apparently being held in Sudan, and may soon be whipped by the Sudanese government, for naming her teddy bear "Mohammed."

It gives you new respect for the freedoms we have in the US, doesn't it? In fact, as a result of that freedom, guess what I've just named my penis.*

Screw you, Sudan. (and we're at war with IRAQ??????)

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Part 3:

Credit card companies have now resorted to making people feel foolish for using cash.

Have you seen the latest Visa television campaign? Swipe... cool. Swipe... party! Swipe, HAPPY!!! Cash... everything grinds... to... a... halt. (and the cash person looks like a real loser)

It's obvious Americans are facing a reality check right now. They've spent themselves into debt, mortgaged themselves into a corner, and have been forced to slow the use of credit cards as a result. Citigroup has announced huge layoffs, written off billions from sub-prime mortgage losses, and stock analysts are recommending their clients sell C.

So we get to see how cool it is to use your credit card. (youtube examples of the commercials)

*Slappy Johnson, but I'll bet you thought Muhammed, right?

Thankful

As Thanksgiving 2007 comes to a close, the dog and cat are at my feet, my lovely Emily is in the next room reading, Christmas carols are playing, and I am sitting in my kitchen with a cup of tea and a wandering mind.

I just had a particularly nice chat with my daughter. We told each other the stories of the day and talked about when we'd see each other next. I held Em's tummy and bonded with my little Sparky for a while, and I wrote a note to my Mom. I told her how horribly I missed her today.

Last night Em and I spent time with our friends, Mike and Paula. She made a fabulous dish and we had great conversation. I plucked around on one of Mike's guitars for a while (I can't play at all) and we played a few rounds of "Scene It." They gave us a teething toy for the baby. Friends like that are hard to find.

Today we went to Em's Grandmother's house. We had the usual Thanksgiving fare, played a few games, and lit a candelabra floral arrangement on fire. It was a very memorable day.

I spent a lot of time today in thoughtful reflection. I thought of the many people who have been in and out of my life over the years. Bosses, friends, co-workers, loves... I hope they are all well and happy.

I thought for a while about those who have passed on. I miss my Grandparents and their influence so much. I had a little pumpkin pie in honor of my Grandfather, who was quite the dessert lover. I thought of my friend Adrianne and her son Truman. My Grandma Varty, Aunt Mildred and Uncle Ed all crossed my mind today, as well... all people without whom life isn't the same.

I thought of my friends, and pondered what they were doing today. Gary probably spent the day at his Mother's house. His Father died recently, so I'm sure his day was bittersweet. I thought about him a lot today. I am guessing Ron spent the day with his Mother, wife and their son Preston, who was born almost a year ago. As for the rest of my friends, they were probably flung far and wide, on various ends of town and the Earth. They all snuck in and out of my thoughts today.

Thanksgiving may be my favorite holiday. I spend 364 days a year taking everything for granted. Then along comes this one, wonderful day that reminds me of all the things for which I am so incredibly grateful.

Dick & Jane

I'm not sure if there is a more culturally influential or familiar book series than Dick & Jane. From the 1930's through the 70's, Dick & Jane were probably the most popular children's book characters in the world. And why not? I mean, come on... the kid's name is Dick. We had all kinds of fun with these two. If you were old enough to make Barbie and Ken do dirty stuff, you probably changed the words of the D & J books.

Once at a trivia night, someone told me that no two-syllable words appear in the book series. I've since learned that's not true, there are several two-syllable words, like "Mother," "Father," and "oral."* I think it would have been more fun if there were a syllable restriction.

Just for fun, I thought it would be a timely exercise (considering Violet and I are having a baby boy in April) to have Dave's Window readers write our own version of Dick & Jane. Write a paragraph and post it under "comments," and let's see how the story evolves. Write whatever you'd like, just make sure it flows with the previous paragraph. Don't worry, I promise I won't let Sparky see this until he turns 18.

I'll start it out:

See Dick and Jane. They are playing in the back yard. Spot and Puff are chasing each other in the sand box. "Look, Dick," said Jane. "There is something behind the fence. What could it be?"

It's your turn.

*Okay, so "oral" only appears in my perverted versions of the book, but whatever.

And the results are...

It's a boy!


Looking a bit skeletal - since that's mostly what the ultrasound "sees." We can now start shopping for gender-specific stuff. Proud as I can be, happy and loving life.

Our boys

Not enough is said about the effort of our people in uniform. 2007 has been the deadliest year yet in the Iraq war, not to mention those who are serving in Afghanistan and other places around the world.

Agree with the war in Iraq or not, the people who are serving are heroic. They lay themselves on the line every day... and as we approach Veteran's Day, this video brings it all home. If you are currently serving, or you've served before - thanks.

"Computers are our friends"

Repeat that phrase 20,000 times, so you will be convinced. "Computers are our friends."

I spent the entire weekend setting up a new computer in my office, which replaced an old one that bit dust this week.

I have two pieces of advice for anyone who deals with computers, which obviously means you.

First, never... never ever ever never ever ever trust your valuable photos and data to an outboard USB hard drive. I've been burned twice in the past year... most recently, tonight when I plugged in the drive that contains (er, contained) our entire library of photographs.

Dark power button. Nothing.

Fuck.

The second piece of advice is never, never, ever trust your valuable photos and data to an INBOARD hard drive.

Basically, don't trust a computer to safely store anything. Do yourself a favor, and burn them to DVD. It will save you from patching drywall holes and paying major money to the Geek Squad to retrieve your data.

Which is where I will be going tomorrow.

Apply directly to the forehead

If you're a consumer who has actually purchased the product Head On, you deserve a headache.

No offense, of course. It's not like you're stupid or anything, it's just... no wait. Yeah, it is like you're stupid.

Ironically the head-bone is the reason that using Head On is a bone-headed idea. If you apply it to your forehead, there is a huge barrier between the medicine and the pain... it's called the skull. Ironically, using Head On makes you a real numb-skull.

Ah, so much irony in such a stupid product.

The funniest line of the commercial (besides the annoying "apply directly to the forehead" crap) is "no prescription necessary."

No shit? Look, if your doctor tries to give you a prescription for this product, you should open your network provider booklet immediately.

End rant.

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I was listening to a song from Buffett's album "Barometer Soup" this morning. Is it just me, or do the words "barometer soup" give you wanderlust?

I love the fact that Em and I have a baby on the way. I can't wait. But it's bittersweet because I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm 43, and have lost the ability to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.

Such as selling all my stuff (except a few pieces of equipment I'd need to do my job) and hopping a plane to Mexico to live on the beach for a year or two. A sunset every night, low rent, a blender with a limitless supply of limes and tequila, a hammock strung between two palm trees. I'd stroll inside a few times a day to do voiceover sessions, then spend the rest of my time swimming in the ocean, making friends with the locals and relaxing with my best friend.

Another dream was to live in Manhattan for a year. I love the bustle of the city. I love the food, the atmosphere, the lifestyle. I could store my vehicles in a warehouse and rent an apartment on the lower west side. I'd go to the diner on the corner every morning for breakfast, (a la Seinfeld) catch some shows on Broadway, hit all the museums, walk in Central Park...

I always wanted to live in a cabin about 9,000 feet high in the Rocky Mountains. I love the idea of spending a couple of quiet years writing, with a snow-covered mountain view for inspiration. I'd keep a fire burning almost constantly, and drive my Hummer into town during a snowstorm for supplies.

I wanted to live in France for a year or two, in a chalet somewhere in the Champagne province, among the rolling hills. From there I would take weekend trips to Normandy, Paris and the Riviera. I'd drink fine French wines, sleep in every morning and maybe invest in a winery.

Among all of it, I wanted to travel to Australia to hike the Outback (the steakhouse is a poor substitute) and experience a concert at the Sydney Opera House. I wanted to see the pyramids in Egypt. I wanted to camp in Yellowstone.

Plans change. Life's strange that way. Some of these things Em and I can still do, but much of it is permanently "on hold."

And it's all worth it.

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I forgot to mention that our friend Mikey and I won a contest for funniest Halloween costume!

We dressed up like the guys from the "dick in a box" video. (click the link, if you've never seen it - it's hilarious)


The costumes involved quite a bit of preparation. We actually put fake "junk" in the boxes and equipped them with a hinge mechanism so people could open them and peek inside.

Purchasing our rubber "junk" was quite an experience. Let me give you some advice: if you ever go into a dildo shop with another dude looking to buy something, take along a female chaperone. Thanks again, Violet.

To save money, we purchased a huge double-dong and cut it in "half." My part was about 1.5 inches long, and Mikey took the rest. (about 12 inches) We attached them to the inside of the box with drywall screws and adhesive. It's funny how women enjoyed looking in HIS box more than MINE! I thought size didn't matter.


Violet was a pregnant trailer-trash chick with a missing tooth, a pack of Virginia Slims and a Milwaukee's Best Light "tall boy." And still, quite hot.


After our victorious result, we're already working on next year's costume. If you have any ideas, please let me know.