Friday thoughts, prognostications, anecdotes

Somehow I knew that solar-sail space vehicle would fail.

First, it was fired from a Russian submarine in the Barents sea. Russian subs NEVER have luck in the Barents, do they?

Second, it was only 4 million dollars. I know that sounds pretentious or space-snobbish, but if you had to drive a car all the way around the world, you wouldn't choose a KIA, would you?

Third, it was fired from a SUBMARINE. No good space mission should be fired from a submarine. A HUGE rocket pad with lots of spotlights, journalists and a buffet of appetizers... THAT'S how a good space mission should start. And with that guy on the loudspeakers saying "10... 9... 8..."
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Those goddamn chickenshit suicide c**ksuckers.
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NHL Hockey Team For Sale: price includes heavy fan apathy, deep debt and huge contract obligations to a bunch of arrogant athletes who believe they play for the NFL.
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Yahoo! has decided to close down it's chat rooms. At least MOST of them. And with rooms titled "Girls 13 And Under For Older Guys” and “Girls 8 to 13 Watch Boys,” it was becoming a PR nightmare. I wonder what took them so long...

Oh, I see. The rooms were closed after advertisers started DROPPING THEIR ADS?

I wonder why it takes an impact to their bottom line before some companies do the right thing. This was such an obvious decision... yet it wasn't made until now.
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We're having a heat-wave in the midwest, so I will spend a big part of the day in the pool.* Have a nice Friday!



* a complete lie, I have a TON of work today and it won't get done lying on a raft with a margarita.

Interactive query

No matter if you believe in a higher power, I think we all would like to know there's someone (something?) "up there" with answers we cannot get through the blurry prisms of our current science or religion.

As I was doing morning chores today, listening to "Desdemona's Building A Rocketship" by Buffett on the patio speakers, it occured to me that I have questions. A few of them:

1 - Does our Sun appear on a star map anywhere else in our galaxy?

2 - Are human beings really the most intelligent species on Earth?

3 - Did I really have a shot with Nan Young in 4th grade, or was she "in training?"

4 - Who killed JFK?

5 - (click "comment" and add your own)

Give it a little thought and contribute... or provide answers if you think you have them.

Check back often, because if God is surfing and somehow lands on my site today, my faithful readers may be the only ones who will find real truth.

And I won't tell a soul. It'll be just you 'n me.

I really need to get a life

I'm experiencing another morning of self-disgust, as I list more things I have never done. What the hell is wrong with me?

I've never:

22 – checked a homeless guy for ticks.

23 – thrown anything that was alive into the face of an octogenarian who was sitting Indian-style and typing.

24 – Given the current time to the offspring of a public official while buffing my shoes with heavy whipping cream.

25 – Bangladeshi macramé with anyone named Mildred.

26 – Swam with beavers toward the light of a camp full of accountants who had evil intentions.

27 – Shirked my responsibility regarding any type of brick-laying.

28 – Given syrup of ipecac to a hyena, then laughed and laughed and laughed as it recited haiku using the voice of Kate Hudson.

29 – Written my name in snow with not-yet-congealed pineapple jello.

30 – Prostate surgery. (that one’s for you, Hoss)

31 – Given in to the teachings of a tribe of manipulative yet fairly reasonable blacksmiths, each named Ed.

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Wiki Wiki, Water Guns & Other Worlds

The Los Angeles Times has suspended something called 'wikitorials,' just three days after they began.

“Wikis,” based on the Hawaiian word “wiki wiki” for “quick,” are online communities that encourage users to collectively write and edit articles, and even override and delete other contributors’ work. The end product can be thought of as a community’s shared knowledge.

They had to suspend the feature because some wacked out readers inundated the site with pornography, foul language and inappropriate links.

Makes me suspicious of Latigo Flint - he's in L-A, and I understand he spent the weekend on one of his kerosene benders.
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J'ai décidé d'écrire une poste entièrement en français, et voir si n'importe qui peut le traduire et a mis l'a pour résultat la section de commentaires. Je me demande s'il travaillera. Oui, je me demande.
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Sailing, sailing...

If all goes as planned, Cosmos 1 was to be launched early Tuesday afternoon, California time, and carried into Earth's orbit by a converted intercontinental ballistic missile, according to the Planetary Society, which is undertaking the nearly $4 million experiment.

Okay, only a sail. No rockets, thrusters or fuel. Should be interesting.
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Why you little SQUIRT!

Tom Cruise found himself the victim of a childish prank pulled by a so-called comedy team working for Britain's Channel 4 television station.

I do not support this kind of... er, well, I ... no, no, NO! I am NOT secretly glad to have seen this happen.

Absolutely NOT!

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LOL

The Aurora Borealis, crop circles and the mass extinction of dinosaurs 65 million years ago are more easily explained than the phenomenon of instant messaging.

My kids can be next door to a friend, and instead of walking outside and talking over the fence (Dad, the sun is sooo hot!) they'll chat for hours on IM.

For hours. To the kid next door.

A phone conversation would only take a minute or two, yet they choose to type into a cold, unfeeling computer program which whisks each message across the ether and simultaneously removes every bit of emotion, nuance and meaning. All the smiley faces in the world won't truly convey the message or emotion of the spoken word. No wonder we're always mad at each other.

For example, the following sentence can be taken a number of ways:

"How many times has he warned you about fixating on sheep?"

First it could be asking how MANY times. Or, how many times has HE warned you. Or, how many times has he warned YOU. Or, about FIXATING on sheep. Or, fixating on SHEEP.

See? Different emphasis. A phone call would make the message crystal clear; you are wasting your time on sheep when goats are perfect replacements. Yet, we continue to be confused by things we should be completely clear about.

I am growing tired of terms like LOL. Look, LOL means 'laugh out loud.' If you didn't laugh out loud, don't type LOL. Okay?

ROFLMAO means 'rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.' Can we agree it would be difficult to reach the keyboard from the floor? So you weren't rolling anywhere, were you?

I suggest new, more appropriate acronyms:

CHUCKLE - Chuckle
STHWWS - Slight Tee Hee With Wry Smile
IFWYJSPFA - I Found What You Just Said Pretty Freaking Amusing (substitute the F if you wish)
OTWFIAPSOW - Okay That Was Funny In A Perverse Sort Of Way
TMPSOOMN - That Made Pepsi Shoot Out Of My Nose
YMMLSHIPAL - You Made Me Laugh So Hard I Peed A Little

Sure, those will take longer to type, but at least you won't be lying. I want real honesty in my IMs.

:-)

Sunday Morning Comin' Down

Well I woke up sunday morning
With no way to hold my head that didn’t hurt
And the beer I had for breakfast
Wasn’t bad so I had one more for dessert
Then I fumbled through my closet for my clothes
And found my cleanest dirty shirt
And I shaved my face and combed my hair
And stumbled down the stairs to meet the day
I’d smoked my brain the night before
With cigarettes and songs that I’ve been pickin’
But I lit my first and watched a small kid
Cussin’ at a can that he was kicking
Then I crossed the empty street
And caught the sunday smell of someone fryin’ chicken
And Lord it took me back to somethin’
That I’d lost somewhere somehow along the way
On the sunday morning sidewalk
I'm wishing lord that I was stoned
’cause there is something in a sunday
That makes a body feel alone
And there’s nothin’ short of dyin’
Half as lonesome as the sound
Of the sleepin’ city sidewalk
And Sunday mornin’ comin’ down.


Kristofferson is a genius who has a way of nailing an emotion.


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Greeting Cards

As I was choosing a Father's Day card a few days ago, it hit me - I've found my next fortune, dysfunctional greeting cards.

I rushed home and began writing furiously. I expect to receive the call from Hallmark any day now. I can't share much, I don't want my ideas plagarized, but I will give you a few timely examples.

Father's Day:

1 - Dad, I love you and all but I can’t say you raised me, helped me learn to play catch, taught me to shave or any of those other Dad-ish things since we only met a few years ago... so thanks for your recent portfolio advice and thoughts on my impending retirement. Happy Father's Day!

2 - Mom, I'm sending this card to you since you've managed to burn through so many husbands I have no idea how to contact any of them. Happy Father's Day, Mom!

3 - You raised me and you're an ass... but I still LOVE you! Happy Father's Day!

4 - To whom, thanks for the teddy bear I received in the mail last April. Happy Paternity Day!

Mother's Day:

1 - Mom, you've caused me to fear even the smallest things and my life's a shambles. Thanks for the lifelong prescription of Paxil! Happy Mother's Day!

2 - Mother, the way you dominated and brow-beat Dad all these years has inspired me. I hope you enjoy this card that I made Harold pick out for you. Happy Mother's Day!

3 - Maternal entity, thanks for having the good sense to let my Grandparents raise me. I hope you work through your issues! Happy Mother's Day.

The next time you hear from me, I will be rich beyond my wildest dreams. Hallmark is based in Kansas City, perhaps I should go ahead and move.


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Tivo, Sinking Sand, Splitting States, Idiots, iPods and A New Tax

When you pay 8 bucks a month for a warranty... and something goes out... you expect to get a new one.

About 10 months ago I bought one of these High Def Tivos from DirecTV. Great picture, worked well, no troubles. Until a month ago, when it started pixelating and freezing up. So I requested a service guy, and it took them three visits to finally say "we'll send you a new one."

I got the new one, unwired the old, installed, ran through the long setup procedure, had it activated... and it's not working. Upon closer inspection, it appears to be a refurbished unit, a return or something.

Meantime, the old unit hasn't malfunctioned for a while, so I'm reinstalling it and sending a nasty letter to DirecTV. And I think I might write a negative blog about them too!
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Random Thought: Why isn't Saudi Arabia sinking? Don't they take like 55 million barrels of oil out of the Earth every single day? What gives? (apparently nothing... yet)
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California has had four moderate earthquakes in the past week. I wonder if they are finally splitting off into the ocean, as has been predicted for decades?

I remember as a kid living in California, hearing the news that it would eventually become an island. It was scary as hell, even though they said it wouldn't happen for millions of years. When you're a kid, millions of anything doesn't mean much.
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Random Thought: Hey company! When I call your automated-assed customer service line and your computer voice asks me to enter my 24 digit account number, 10 digit phone number, mother's birthdate and the last four digits of my social, please have the decency to hang onto that info until a live person finally gets on the line. Please, PLEASE don't ask me to push eight thousand goddamn buttons if you're going to need to ask me again later... I have things to do! Like writing cancellation letters to companies with stupid automated customer service lines.
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I finally went to buy an iPod last night and all I could find in-stock was the U2 iPod, which sells for an extra 50 bucks. But you get 50 bucks off the purchase of the U2 Super-Ultra-Gigantic-Every-Song-They-Ever-Released box set. AND you get their autographs on the back of the unit.

No thanks. And today, the urge to purchase the iPod has passed. I guess Apple lost 300 bucks last night. Maybe I'll get the urge again soon.
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Random Thought: A great way to pay off the federal deficit would be to develop a program in which, each time a woman cries they must send in a dollar. (TWO dollars for those "just because" cries) And each time a man feels frustrated by the crying, they must also send in a dollar. (TWO dollars when he tells her she has nothing to cry about) We'd achieve total budget balance status by the end of... oh, probably today.


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A Thursday Look at Lotteries, Lies, Luck and a Loser

The Terri Schiavo autopsy press conference was interesting. It turns out her husband and doctors were right about her condition. Atrophy and brain damage had shrunk her brain to half it's original size, causing total blindness and a persistent vegetative state with zero hope of ever recovering.

Oddly enough, the release of the autopsy findings hasn't swayed the religious right - as is unfortunately true with most hard scientific evidence. So debate of the undebateable rages on. Sadly, this paragraph stuck out to me most when reading the article:

"Regardless of the autopsy findings, the Schindlers continue to believe their daughter was not in a persistent vegetative state, their lawyer, David Gibbs III, said after Thogmartin’s report was issued. He said they plan to discuss the autopsy with other medical experts and may take some unspecified legal action."

I feel for the family, but they've entered a new level of insanity. And their attorney continues to profit from their grief.
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Holy shit, look out below!

Damn, the fact that nobody died and none of the bombs exploded is proof someone was holding a buckeye in their pocket. Or a buttload of positive karma had developed in the area of the crash. Whichever.
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Jennifer Wilbanks is selling her story.

Where is the surprise here? This woman has deceived and panicked her family, lied about being raped and kidnapped, caused countless needless dollars to be spent on the investigation and search... and now is selling her story.

And the fiance' is still marrying her? He's the insane one, just a total loser. But at least now he's got a reason. $$
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What?!? A level-headed, normal lottery winner? No big purchases? No mansions? Just investing and turning it into a bigger sum?

HUH?

Good for him, this guy seems (at least for now) to have his head screwed on straight. How many lottery winners do you know who have completely blown their winnings and have to live in relative poverty? I know one personally.




courtesy MSNBC.com

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How's my Wednesday looking?

I checked my horiscope this morning, and have included below the actual and translated versions.

What my horiscope for today SAYS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Your anger cannot be suppressed much longer. You could explode or become ill. Let others know how you feel before the end results are negative. Tonight: Work through stress.


What my horiscope for today MEANS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) The veins on your shoulder, temple and ass are bulging like the levis on a porn star. You're really pissed off about the lack of profit from your drunken, ill-advised investment in the new lacy yet "pouch-supportive" product your almost-gay-sounding friend Jean-Luc invented called "manties," and should either confront him about it or prepare for an impending cardiac burst and resulting complete dispensing of any profit you've ever made from ANYTHING to an undeserving, greedy vulture-like family. Tonight: it will take a lot of work to drink an entire fifth of scotch, but you'll feel better.

I just realized

I'm nearing the 10,000th visitor. At the time of this post, the counter reads 9,991 so I figure in the next hour or so I will hit the landmark. What does it mean? Well, probably that a kid somewhere in India thought it would be funny to hit refresh 9-thousand times on my site. Or, that Horsetail Snake is sending people over here, he's the traffic man.

Or... you know, I suppose it could mean nothing at all. And that's exactly what I'm offering to the 10,000th visitor. Although, if you would - please leave a comment if you see 10,000 on the counter to the left. I'd like to know who ya are.
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Remember, "not guilty" doesn't mean "innocent." Where there's smoke, there's usually fire. But there are a lot of greedy, maniacal people out there ready to take advantage of someone, so I gotta leave it to the good judgement of the 12 who saw the trial.
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All three people on board survived, and were "sitting up, talking on their cell phones" hours after the crash, hospital spokeswoman Maria Soldani said.

You're kidding me. Talk about a lucky day!
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Talk about an UNlucky day. A kid dies on a ride, not such a big story, unfortunately sometimes it happens. But this is a high tech ride and he didn't fall from anything. It was the G-force, apparently, that killed him. Wow.



***

Puke if you must, it's more about Dave

I realize it's self serving and nobody cares. That's why I do it.

The higher the number, the less significant the facts. I'm just so freakin' young, I'm almost out of things to tell you. Here we go:

71- My favorite color is green. In its many versions, it is the color of Spring, money and cow shit.

72- I still have my tonsils intact. I haven’t had a problem with them since tonsillitis at age 8. Tonsillectomy is a bogus profit center for hospitals.

73- I have a desire to live in Manhattan in a high rise apartment building. I know the crowds will frustrate me, but oh, the hookers! ;-)

74- I am not the jealous type. It really is a waste of time, especially when you could be knitting or something.

75- I started a new tradition attending the St. James Court art show in Louisville every year. It includes a trip to Jack Frey’s Restaurant for the world’s most incredible pork chop. I’ve never tasted anything like it.

76- My cat, Kramer, is 12 years old. I am not a cat person, but he seems like more of a dog than a cat. Especially the way he humps the leg of strangers.

77- I’ve never seen Dolly Parton’s bare breasts.

78- I was an army brat for a while in North Carolina. We used to go out on weekends and watch my step father jump out of airplanes. It was fairly boring and I could never tell which parachute was him anyway.

79- I am not a fan of sweets, but occasionally I get a craving and will eat nearly an entire carton of ice cream by myself. This is not a good thing ever.

80- I am a fast driver. If I’m on the highway, I seldom drive under 80 mph. I’ve had many, many tickets and yet I persist. It’s easier to hire a lawyer and have ‘em fixed. I have never been at fault in an accident.

Well, dip my balls in cream...

... and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens, it's Sunday night... and you know what that means. Time for Dave's Random Musings:

1 - I want a microwave oven invented that, when you flip the wall plug upside down, cools food. Hey Amana, work it out.

2 - Coffee comes in a tin can for one reason - when it's empty, Grandma has a place to put her bacon grease.

3 - My pool guy told me the other day that for the chemical balance of a pool, it's actually a good idea to pee in it now and then. I quickly learned that, for the neighbor's sake, it's best to actually get INTO the pool... or wait until nightfall.

4 - I have discovered that when your package touches cold water, it causes "shrinkage." However, the converse act of squatting in a bowl of boiling water does NOT cause "growage." Only "burnage."

5 - When someone wags their finger at you, it doesn't always mean you've done wrong, sometimes it just indicates a particularly sticky booger.

6 - With aggressive therapy, the appeal of Malaysia and her seductive quicksand, biting flies and flesh mites can be little more than a distant yearn that beckons mostly late at night.

7 - Stopping a fan blade with your tongue tastes pretty dusty.

8 - Charades is a game best played with the unblind.

9 - Amish barn raisings and buggy lacquer festivals can get zany when the bonnets start coming off.

10 - Tomato soup is good, as long as you don't think about how it's made.

A Cottage For Sale

"Our little dream castle with every dream gone,
Is lonely and silent, the shades are all drawn...
And my heart is heavy as I gaze upon
A Cottage For Sale"

It's been a busy week here at the Morris compound, as we've prepared our home to put on the market. It's waaaaaay too much for just me, so I'm moving into a really nice custom-built condo, less space and VERY sweet... including a great place to put my business.

So if you're looking for a home, it's listed at $509,900 - and here's a sample of what you'll get:


View from the front, a beautiful home with fabulous landscaping and amazing curb appeal... but this picture shows the ONLY shortfall of this house - a two car garage.


Lots of open space and light, a GREAT view of the backyard with pool, spa, waterfall and patio, there are 5 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, great room, open-air atrium with palm trees, family room, bar, wine cellar, theater room, workout room, office and pool table room. Perfect for family and entertaining. The see-through fireplace is great to cozy up to in Winter, either from the kitchen side or the great room.


Part of the backyard, a view of the heated pool and waterfall. The seven-person hottub is out of view to the left.


More of the backyard, it's serene and gorgeous.

I hate to leave this home - but it deserves to have a family who can fill it with love.

It's in Wildwood, MO - near Clayton and Clarkson in west St. Louis county. Drop me an e-mail if you're interested.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cry.


MORE PHOTOS

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Dave's Horriblescope for today

What it SAYS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Your way of presenting a problem could be a bit stiff or hard.
Don't be so critical of yourself. What starts out as a tough situation could loosen up. Tonight: Swap news with a pal.


Translated into what it MEANS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Packing all your shit and sitting it in the garage prior to telling your wife you’ve contracted clamidia from a baby rhino during a recent zoo trip is overreacting. Perhaps she will understand. Just remember that sometimes these things happen to even the best of us, it’s not ONLY because you are a sexual deviant with a certain above-average attraction to slow moving, helpless animals. That disagreement between you and your parole officer regarding what constitutes the lawful description of “prostitution” will be settled when you promise to cut him in. Tonight, come clean to your buddy Bob about what really happened to his tricked out Harley Road King Classic that weekend he was on vacation. He’ll understand... but lock the garage where you keep your mint condition 1964 1/2 Mustang convertible.

Not much on my mind today

I'm watching the Cardinals and Red Sox right now, it's a special broadcast being seen by our men and women in Iraq, and featuring live interviews from some of them. It does my heart good to see them, taking a break and cheering on the Cards. I'm awfully proud of our people fighting the good fight.
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Unusual search terms which brought people to my site this past week:

Maxima driving mirror scratches
Bikini airplane
Douchebag synonyms
Gulfstream jokes
Emergency room nursing
Dave knife Destin
Fogelberg Deer Isle
Tomain poisoning
Badonkadonk

Douchebag synonyms?!? Whatever.
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Worth a read:

Lightning Bug's Butt had a good piece today, ruminations from a very warped, very talented mind. He's a daily read for me, you should bookmark him.
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See ya tomorrow...

I've Never Been To Me, second edition

I'm certainly not one to lament my own lack of substance, but I DO keep careful track of the things I've never done. This list is a continuation, and is kept as a reminder to myself.

I've never...

12 – Hummed any version of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” during a proctologist exam.*

13 – Held a vanilla wafer between my knees while wearing a light periwinkle satin & lace corset at a roadside produce stand.

14 – Sat quietly while a wolverine nibbled at my jewels.

15 – Driven to Ecuador on a Big Wheel to feast on the tripe of a camel during January, March or July, which are considered the off season down there.

16 – Held and rocked the child of a British taxidermist and reassured him/her everything will be alright as early as Friday.

17 – Gave up dancing with mannequins for lent.

18 – Requested a neighbor cease all contact with relatives and friends until I could see they’ve ended their dependency on the collecting of Leif Garrett or Sid Caesar memorabilia.

19 – Sudanese grave robbing for sport.**

20 – Adapted a screenplay for a flea-infested, size-challenged writer from Saskatoon who is known for making delicious pastries.

21 – Ice fishing with Ernest Borgnine.

* - The preferred version is most certainly Robert John, I never really liked the Tokens.
** - There is just too much profit to be made.

Dude, don't Bogart the reefer

This is just insane.

The Federal Supreme Court has ruled that federal authorities may prosecute medical marijuana users.

First, my feelings on marijuana are clear. Legalize it! There is no reason alcohol should be legal and marijuana shouldn't. No reason at all. None.

"But it's a gateway drug! It leads to use of other, more troublesome drugs." Yeah, well beer leads to tequila, which leads to more tequila, which leads to grain alcohol, then raw kerosene... if you want to kill yourself, there are many ways in which to accomplish this.

Any mind altering substance can be a gateway to MORE mind altering substances, no debate there. But there is no way to keep people from doing it... and people should and must be responsible for their own actions. If we trust them with alcohol, there's no reason we shouldn't trust them with marijuana. Law enforcement can free themselves up to deal with cocaine, murders and cats in trees.

Legalize pot, sell it behind the tobacco counter and tax the hell out of it. Viola! There goes the federal deficit and all of our tax problems.

We're moving in the wrong direction - again.

Justa coupla thangs

I always knew Russell Crowe was a dick. I met him once in Nashville, he plays a decent guitar and was performing with an Australian singer. But he had a rather nasty ego and disposition - even before he had any major films under his belt.

Now he's been arrested... for being a dick. Good for him.
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If you're a space junkie, this story will fascinate you.

Link

"This is a totally new region of space," Edward Stone, Voyager project scientist at the California Institute of Technology in Pasadena, said in a telephone interview. "We have entered the last lap in our race to interstellar space."

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Feudin', Fonin' and Fruitless Festering by a Flake

During my normal Sunday morning ritual... coffee, chanting, snake handing... I happened upon a few stories of interest and random thoughts:
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The Hatfields and McCoys still exist. Oh sure, sometimes shit happens, but c'mon. One of them took to barbecuing INSIDE THEIR GARAGE in order to not have to see their neighbors.

With a feud of this magnitude, it must have been something really monumental that started it. Right? Quote:

"All of a sudden, they quit waving."

Wow. Just... wow.
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Random thought: What were Thurston and Lovey Howell doing on a piss-ant tour boat named "The SS Minnow," anyway?
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There is nothing less interesting or personally impactful to me than a family feud over Zsa Zsa Gabor's estate.

But I must admit, it made me smile this morning. A sort of mean, wicked smile.
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Cell phone competition is cutthroat. Low prices are good for the consumer, but not to this extent.

Another merger is coming, this time between Sprint and Nextel.

Our demand for the lowest rate plan has unintentionally and surreptitiously screwed us. We now have fewer choices than ever... and that is never good.

Side note: please, Sprint... PLEASE stop people from using that freakin' walkie-talkie feature. It's rude, loud and has no useful function, other than to make people feel like kids again with their GI Goe set in the back yard. "Can you hear me now?" Yeah, unfortunately I can hear waaaay too much of you, asshole. Take it private, please.

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Random thought: Why do things like a walking Kool-Aid pitcher and the big fat white Michelin guy cause us to buy the product? Shouldn't it really serve as a deterrent? Hmmm.
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Marilyn Monroe's personal phone book and a painting by her fetched 150-grand at auction.

"... the 1962 painting by the actress of a red rose was initially inscribed to President Kennedy, but she never gave it to him..."

Is it me, or does that seem low? I wish I had known about the auction.
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Random thought: Why does the "Magic 8-Ball" have an "ask again later" response? Is it not feeling the vibe now? Is it late for an appointment?

Isn't it the job of the 8-ball to give me answers to my questions? I find "ask again later" unacceptable.
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Have a good rest-of-the-weekend. Keep your powder dry.


***

Hogs

I was sitting at the bar on a Friday night, (tonight, that is) anticipating the delivery of my rather picayune sounding pork chop dinner and talking to Mike, a new friend who was drinking his. About an hour later a couple of guys walked in.

The first wore leather... a jacket and chaps. The second, a larger, hairier man, sported street clothes and a markedly more friendly disposition.

"Do you sell them or ride them?" My words were the first to meet the newcomers, as I noticed the more rotund one sported a golf shirt bearing the Harley Davidson emblem.

"Uh. Well, ride." Not nearly as friendly as me. A little disconcerting, considering they were the 'cheechakos' in the crowd. The look from the thin man was a clock-stopper.

"I just wondered, I am an admirer of the machines."

Silence. They turned to the television, suddenly fans of baseball. I suppose they were chafed by the apparent meddling of a green outsider.

"My friend rides, he just started a couple of years ago," I said, trying to break through ice thicker than northern Greenland. "It sounds like a cool lifestyle."

The fat guy acted as if he didn't want to kick my ass, while my friend Mike glanced away, intent on watching Albert Pujols strike out.

Finally, skinny leather man spoke. "If you'd been riding since the 60's, you'd know what the lifestyle means. Newcomers are hard to get to know."

I'm not one to create friction, so I figured I'd change the subject to protocol. Things like waving to other bikers, how you park them, where the Harley convoys go, etc. "Club members aren't my kind of rider."

Silence.

I figured my departure time had arrived. I was two sheets to the wind anyway, so I paid my tab and bid them a pleasant weekend.

In any fraternity, new members are the most important element. It didn't seem like thin-man wanted new riders. I know other guys with Harleys who have great dispositions, and know how to have fun without taking it too seriously.

Lord forgive me, but maybe I'm destined to be a Kawasaki guy.*



*psyche, just kidding. I wouldn't do that to myself.

Sock your wood: condoms anyone?

I was "bouncing" around the 'net over lunch a minute ago and happened upon this article. I've heard of like aggregation before, but never to this extent.

"Oceanographic scientists say they have discovered a vast, floating "reef" of the world's disposed condoms in the middle of the South Pacific, about halfway between Tahiti and Antarctica. The phenomenal mass is almost two miles long, an eighth of a mile wide, and in places up to 60 feet deep, the oceanographers say."

The thought of these used condoms floating around gives me the willies, and this line made me want to puke:

"... Froule said parts of the newly discovered reef are matted together so densely that "you could almost land a plane on it..."

I wonder if Travelocity will begin offering round-trip ticket discounts to "Prophylactic Island." And will it be an all-inclusive destination?

LINKETY LINK

***

Simple

Getting on the school bus for the very first time was likely the most fearful step I’ve ever taken.

Since then, I’ve taken about 100 other steps that seem to tie for second. Fear lurks in the dark corners, and no matter how strong you are… it’s always there. I know this. Writing it down is my way of reminding me.

Likely the best advice I can give myself during this fearful time is, break things into simple parts. One day, one night. Next day, next night. No pressures. No lists, except maybe a list of friends.

Keep it simple.

Feel free to wretch and heave...

It's time for more inane facts about Dave!

61- Food is a hobby of mine, so I’m lucky I’m not HUGE. I have familial metabolic genetics to thank for that. So THANK YOU, familial metabolic genetics!

62- I would like to say that I hate shopping. So I will. “I hate shopping.” And yet, I will walk around a Best Buy for an hour and not buy a thing. So I wonder, do I REALLY hate shopping?

63- I once caught a 6 pound large mouth bass with no bait. I had only my fishing rod in my truck when I saw him hanging next to a low-water bridge. So I figured I’d just drop an empty hook in for fun. Stupid sumbitch bit it.

64- I buy books. Lots of them. Then I stack them by my bed with the best of intentions – and instead, I watch television before I fall asleep. Perhaps I should just start eating the pages.

65- My least favorite vegetable is also my most favorite. I hate cooked carrots, but love them when they’re raw. Go figure.

66- I pay bills online. I have for 10 years. You might call me an “online-bill-paying-pioneer.” Just don't call me "late for a nooner."

67- My ex-wife thinks I am agnostic. She got that idea because I’m not a fan of ORGANIZED religion. She’s wrong, I’m very spiritual. Come to think of it, she was wrong about a lot of things.

68- I’m not sure I’ve ever had a relationship with someone who has really “gotten” me.

69- My least favorite subject in school was math, my favorite was biology. Although social studies and journalism ranked right up there. So did study hall.

70- While growing up, I lived with my Mother sometimes and with my Grandparents sometimes. It was about a 50-50 split, I’d say. I learned different things from both experiences – and attended about 20 schools in 6 different cities.

Rubbish disguised as a post

Oatmealy.

My mind is the consistency of kindergarten paste... if my mood were a color, it would be that of watery vanilla ice cream. I have no valid, lucid thoughts tonight, much like the final 10 years of my aunt's dementia-afflicted life. The uninspired nature of my brain is what I'd LIKE to blame my blog-silence on. I hope it works for you.
____________________

The internet is now sporting a "bad part of town." The addition of the suffix of ".xxx" has been approved for adult sites. I wonder, can non-adult sites use the addresses? It would be cool to have a website like www.aaa.xxx. or www.thissiteisnotrated.xxx.

Also approved were ".jobs" and ".travel"... which begs the question, could an adult site acquire the address www.incredibleblow.jobs? Or www.iwillputoutifyouwill.travel. Okay, that one was a stretch.
____________________

"Trust in a Bottle"

Exerpt:

"After a few squirts, human subjects were significantly more trusting and willing to invest money with no ironclad promise of a profit."

By the way, I get that same effect from Scotch.

Deep Throat Reveals Himself

I found this story fascinating - it has just been broken that W. Mark Felt, a man who rose to the second-highest position in the F. B. I., has revealed himself at age 91 as "Deep Throat."

Link to story

And I always thought it was Linda Lovelace.

Things I did NOT do over the weekend...

It was a great holiday weekend, with a trip out of town for my brother's wedding reception. (he was married a couple of weeks ago in Negril)

I am now prepared to give you a brief list of things I did not do during my trip:

1 - Forget to close the tailgate of my truck, and be made aware of it's state of openness by a pissed motorist who now has a Titleist Pro Titanium 905T driver stuck in his grill.*

2 - Get an extreme nicotine overload headache while on the golf course by smoking three major stogies in chain fashion.**

3 - Hit a drive completely around the globe, bouncing lightly off the ionosphere somewhere over Greenland, scorching lightly on reentry and landing exactly 6 inches behind the tee only seconds later.***

4 - Trash my laptop in a dumpster behind Shop 'n Save after spending three hours on a slide show for Ron's wedding reception (complete with music bed and fancy transitions) only to find the DVD burner is defective.****

5 - Hide a little something in Ron's mattress that he likely won't find for a few days, and only then because dead catfish have a way of eventually making themselves known.*****

6 - Wear a pink vest and tie at the reception, looking vaguely like a gay man.******

7 - Give $100 in hush money to a mouthy transvestite (friend of the bride) who claimed "she" knew things about me nobody should know. And I mean nobody.*******

8 - Drunkenly admit the nickname of a certain part of my body to a group of friends while eating biscuits and gravy at 1 am at Country Kitchen on Ellis Boulevard in Jefferson City, only to be forced to make a phone call for third party confirmation because my nephew's girlfriend called me a liar.********

9 - Get the bride's name wrong during the official "best man" toast at the reception.*********

10 - Find a pair of crusty lederhosen in my truck this morning, causing me to question last night's level of insobriety, my german heritage and why I had the distinct taste of sauer kraut in my mouth.**********

If I remember anything else that DIDN'T happen, I'll let you know. Happy "feels like Monday!"


* - Gary, you left your clubs in my truck
** - It was four, and they were spectacular
*** - The ball actually circumnavigated the earth TWICE
**** - It was behind the BP convenience mart in the Wal-Mart parking lot
***** - Actually it's a salmon and it's in the box springs
****** - Although my brother DID, and it triggered earthquakes two thousand miles away in San Francisco during that day-long masturbation festival over the weekend
******* - $150
******** - okay, actually I DID do that one
********* - although I had a cyanide tablet in my hand and a glass of water alongside "just in case."
********** - I have no idea what any of that meant, but I DO know it did NOT happen.

I've Never Been To Me

Due to pressures from other bloggers, friends and several Portugese salmon fishermen, I've accumulated a list of a few things I've NEVER done.

For your information, I've never:

1- lowered myself via a rope around my ankles through a manhole to recover a green jade bracelet.

2- Touched the body of an elusive and deadly hammer-head shark with a real hammer-head while whistling the theme to “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

3- Had the urge to clean the navel of a big sweaty Mexican guy named Sidney during the months of July, August or October.

4- Drank tea while on a flight to Amsterdam.

5- Heaved a large stone into the Grand Canyon while wearing a purple flannel jumpsuit.

6- Shared photos of a friend’s pet hamster with an Irish guy by the name of Shelby.

7- Deviated from a plan to build the world’s first shopping mall made out of green soda bottles by substituting amber ones.

8- Examined the skeletal remains of an antelope while water skiing.

9- Cleaned the pool of any former president of the US when I should have been making deer jerky for a Canadian law student.

10- Held more than a dozen safety pins in one hand while farting to the tune of “My Sharona.”

11- Venetian baby shaking.

To be continued...

Happy Friday!

***

Mom warned me about going blind...

I've always heard that manual stimulation of an engorged penis causes blindness. Now, it seems that just HAVING an engorged penis could make us visionless.

Reports of blindness in men using Viagra, Cialis

Oh shit. I can already tell my 50's are going to SUCK.

Dear Congressman:

I've heard about the proposal illegalizing cell phones while driving, and I think it's a GREAT idea! It's time for government to step in yet again, to make sure we're as safe as we can be.

Banning cell phone use while driving is a only a start, however. Let's ALSO do something about other nefarious activities taking place behind the wheel.

Eating, for instance. I say ban all drive-thru windows NOW. Recently, I witnessed another driver operating their vehicle with one hand and eating drive-thru food with the other. The safety issues associated with consuming victuals while steering are obvious. (plus, if I'm going to die, it better be caused by something more significant than a Jack-in-the-Box taco)

Also, make-up. My wife is a CONSTANT danger on the road, she's been known to apply mascara while turning a corner! We need a law NOW banning the use of make-up in a motor vehicle. Another effective deterrent might be legislating the size of the containers of make-up, perhaps allowing only gallon drums, so drivers won't be tempted to break the law just because they are running late. Purse-sized makeup should be a thing of the past.

And, let's talk about CDs, tapes and radios. It irks me that you haven't already done something about this eternal hazard. Fumbling through a box of CDs while changing lanes is HARDLY a safe thing to do. I refuse to lose my life because "Wanda the Maldroit" is vacillating between Jack Jones Sings Torchin' Tunes and William Shatner's Greatest Hits.

One of the biggest distractions to people operating a motor vehicle... is other people. Recently I witnessed a woman taking her eyes off the road to glance over at a passenger who was talking to her! Please, Mr. Congressman, this sort of jeapordous activity needs to stop. Of course I realize it's hard to ask a human being to avoid speaking, so I propose a much more facile solution, NO PASSENGERS. Banning carpooling of any kind is the most direct way to address this menacing threat. (and just think... your big corporate automaker friends will LOVE you) If this endeavor fails, we should consider banning children. They are extreme diversions from the safe driving experience.

Finally, I suggest immediate legislation against speedometers. Driving manuals suggest looking at the speedometer every TEN SECONDS! Need I even mention how audacious this activity is?

Public safety is your primary concern, Mr. Congressman, so I strongly urge you to start the ball rolling on motor vehicle safety reform IMMEDIATELY.

Then let's talk about bathtubs. Did you know people DROWN in those things?!?!

Signed,
Dave Morris, Your Helpful Constituent

A must-read

Latigo Flint is waxing philosophical - this time a self-examination of the most intimate, private variety.

"Latigo Flint isn't afraid of a dern thing. (Horrible, hairy, poison-burbling spiders make Latigo Flint a mite uneasy but that's not the same as fear.) The list could stretch for days, tonight I'll cap it at five. Five things Latigo Flint isn't afraid of..."

LINK

It almost brings a tear to my eye to see someone so in touch with their inner anxieties and fears.

***

Dave's Variety Sheet

Carol, alias "Weary Hag," owns one of the best blog names I've heard. It conjures up a great mental image... her writing style and approach to life are spot-on for the name.

The Cerebral Outpost

An outpost is a distant "camp," almost like the one at the south pole. Lonely sounding, yet sort of warm and inviting, like an oasis. A far away corner of her brain. If you get a second, drop by her digs and say hello. She's a fantastic writer.

____________________

A morning by the pool with coffee is a great way to help you "center." The breeze, birds, bubbling sound of the jets, a bumblebee floating by. I have no trouble getting psyched up for work after a start like this.

____________________

President Bush loses me again, this time on the stem cell issue. The house passed a lift on the president's ban of federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, but of course the president promises to veto it. MOST of the research would use embryos which are going to be destroyed anyway, leftover from fertility clinics for invitro fertilization procedures. So why not just compromise and limit the research to only embryos which will be destroyed anyway?

I can understand taking a pro-life stance. But if you're pro-life, shouldn't you be concerned for cancer, spinal cord injury and other disease victims? These are people who are already alive, who have dependent children... who are already important to their loved ones and already functioning societal participants.

Does contributing to their death by refusing to fund potentially life-saving research constitute a pro-life stance? In my opinion, it does not.

____________________

Another great reason to use sunblock - it makes you slippery!

____________________

Search terms which have lead people to my blog in the past 48 hours:

sucking tits pics (HUH??!?!)
national Treasure stuff
80 Ford Fiesta (ah, yes - the third car I ever owned)
Anna Kournikova
dirty dave videos (again, HUH!?!?!?)
Costner and epiphany and chef
the words to the circle of life
Sams Wholesale Club
born-again Christian
cat covering up shit picture (uh, no I never posted one)
Maryland Heights and laundry mats
men’s event palm restaurant Nashville
Brittney Spears
Robata of Japan

I find it fascinating how people stumble upon my little corner of the universe. Whoever you are, welcome. Come by anytime!


***

"They're G-R-R-R-R-E-A-T !!!"

Thurl Ravenscroft, the voice of Tony the Tiger*, finally "got soggy in milk" today at the age of 91. During his lifetime, it's been estimated he sired up to 250 "variety packs."

He will be buried in a small cardboard box with a reclosable lid.



* He was also the voice on the song "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch," but I couldn't think of anything clever for that one. Come to think of it, I couldn't think of anything clever anyway.

Horriblescope

A busy day is ahead without too much time to write, so I figured I'd reuse an idea I had a week or two ago... converting my horiscope for today into it's REAL meaning.

What my horiscope for today SAYS:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) ***** A partner tosses another view into the mix. Don't negate this option; work with this person's idea. You'll develop a sound path of action. Teamwork draws you into the winner's circle. Relax more. Feelings heat up to a point of discomfort. Tonight: Be a duo.


What my horiscope for today MEANS:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) ***** Bob, your investment consultant, recommends against laundering your buddy's dog track winnings so his wife believes he received a generous government grant. Bob may be right, let the man speak. Your concern about permanent damage received by experimenting with the "enlargement apparatus," will be legitimized by the nice lady in the Emergency Room today. Allow both she and your wife to tug simultaneously for desired removal results. Try to relax and enjoy the vague resemblance to a threesome, it's likely the closest you'll ever get. Tonight, your Mother will resist your suggestion to move into a cheaper nursing home, and will see the idea for what it is. An attempt by you to get a larger inheritance when she keels over. The old bat obviously still holds a grudge for your suggestion that she invest in a chain of restaurants specializing in gravy products. Let your wife soften her up.

Sunday morning bugga boo

I took my daughter to the theater last night and barely found a place to park. There were actually "people" there dressed as Star Wars characters. This is a good sign that things have gone awry in a person's life.

I saw a television report last week about a Star Wars memorabilia collector who had named his three kids Ben, Luke and ... some other name from the series. That man is a freak. *

The movie we saw was Monster-In-Law, with J-Lo and Jane Fonda. The movie made me feel old because of how old Jane looked - and tired because of how bad the movie was.

So I left the theater feeling old and tired. (and normal, thanks to the costumed geeks)

____________________

If you want to have fun and feel good, take your kid to a nursery, let them pick out some plants, trees or flowers, and go home and plant them. Courtney's project was to remove last year's ornamental grass by the pool and choose something to replace it. She did all the work, made the hard choices and they look great!

____________________

My bedroom windows face East, and the blinds aren't the solid ones. They are fabric, and don't block the sun very well. Consequently, I awaken every morning at sunrise, and it's hard to sleep any later.

Last week, Tawnya bought me one of those sleep masks. I have no idea how I look in it, but I'm sure it's not good. Since I'm sleeping alone, I decided to give it a try.

Those things really work! Complete darkness for as long as I want to sleep... which is especially convenient if I've had a fifth of scotch before bed.

I just need to get over the fact that those masks are generally worn by older women. Which means I will most likely go back to waking up at the crack o' dawn.

____________________

Something Dave doesn't understand - TLC's "Clean Sweep." A show where the host and a crew go into someone's dirty house... and clean it up.

This is television? And why is it we should exalt someone who can't seem to keep their crib tidy and liveable?

This is called "reality" television.

Anything but.

____________________

Time for breakfast. Waffles sound good!

____________________


* although perhaps not as strange as George Foreman naming all FOUR of his sons George and one of his daughters Georgetta. (does this man never stop copulating?) OR Tea Leoni and David Duchovny naming their son Kyd. (which is why Tea Leoni is no longer on my "freebie list")

Episode two of "Things I've Learned"

More curriculum from the School of Hard Knocks:


1 - Carrots explode in the microwave. So do eggs. Thus, you should never try to make a carrot omelet the “quick” way.

2 - When your daughter says she loves you, it’s true. But there is usually a follow-up. This is normal.

3 - We should be able to fine our Mother 50 cents each time we’re too scared to lick the peanut butter off a knife. Mothers, good and bad ones, are in the business of irrational fear.

4 - “Together forever” is a farce. In a photo from about 1 year ago, including 5 couples who went to New Orleans to celebrate my birthday, only two are still together. And oddly enough, my wife and I aren’t one of them.

5 - If you want time to pass faster, don’t try to make it happen by doing laundry or yard work.

6 - If I go to a restaurant specifically for a certain item, that restaurant will be out of that item. Always call ahead on “prime rib special” night.

7 - Cash in your pocket makes you feel safer, unless you’re in North St. Louis, South Chicago or East L-A.

8 - Oddly, people find comfort in foods, stains, clouds or natural formations that are shaped like the virgin Mary. Or like a penis. It is difficult not to see the irony in this.

9 - Teenagers are the most irritating when they think they know more than me. It’s even more disturbing when I realize they do.

10 - Spam (the food kind) is what you make it. Fried, or baked with brown sugar and a slice of pineapple, it can be a most palatable meal.

11 - If you have an idea, patent it. If you think of a website address you want, secure it. If you don’t, someone else will, and that’ll just piss you off.

Another installment of "Who's Dave?!?"

The following may cause you to "call Ralph on the big porcelain phone":

51- I think the Spaniards have it right, the whole world should shut down at 2:00pm daily for a one-hour nap. You could use that time for whatever you wanted. (read: nooner)

52- I believed it would be different, but owning my dream car ended up like owning any other car. The floor board gets dirty and I don’t wash it often enough. I DO believe the birds know which of us drive our life-long dream cars.

53- When I was a kid, we had a pool in our backyard. When the autumn came, I always knew which kids were friends and which kids just wanted to have a swim. Screw those people.

54- I have met most country music artists of the last 15 years, and am lucky enough to call a few of them “friends.” I’m still not sure how Chesney ended up marrying Zellewegger. I really gotta give Mr. Perpetual Bachelor some shit about that one.

55- My “freebie list” (a “Friends” show reference to famous people you could sleep with and nobody could get upset with you for doing so, even your spouse) would include Kate Hudson, Jennifer Aniston, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina Jolie and Rebecca Romijn.

56- Dessert is not an important part of a meal for me, I only occasionally desire anything sweet.

57- I have the desire to be artistic – I want to try oil painting. I have no childhood art projects or past experience that would indicate I will not fail at this endeavor.

58- Women who smoke turn me off. Yet I smoke cigars and expect women to LOVE me. I’m such a bastard that way.

59- I’m not particular about how I like my eggs. Over easy is my favorite, but scrambled, poached, hard-boiled… all are good. In fact, I’ve just talked myself into breakfast, a meal I usually skip.

60- I don’t do necklaces, ear ring or any jewelry except a ring occasionally. I went through a phase where I wanted to wear gold chunk jewelry. I am happy I exited the phase before actually buying any of that crap.

Gravy, gravy everywhere - and not a piece of toast

What IS it about gravy? *

If you'll indulge me, I'll speak to a subject I'm fairly sure you hadn't considered... that of gravy. Everything these days must have gravy and I want to know why.

Literal or figurative, gravy has become a staple of society. This creamy substance, in it's many forms, is strangely beguiling. For instance, www.gravy.com touts a one-sauce-fits-all mixture. And what IS asparagus without hollandaise sauce - a form of gravy?

Biscuits 'n gravy would be a shell of it's former self without the gruel, and the popularity of mashed potatoes would go the way of congressional approval ratings. The symbiotic dependency is undeniable.

And I just used TWO 4-syllable words.

Gravy boats, gravy trains... it even seems to be an integral part of the transportation system. What's next, "gravy traffic on the 8's?"

Salespeople call their bonus money "gravy." Politicians most certainly receive it from special interests and lobbyists... it's no wonder they're often called "gravy sucking pigs." My grandfather used to say "good gravy" as a proxy for cursing.

Even pet food boasts "in meaty gravy" on the label. Now I happen to know my dog doesn't care if his food includes gravy... yet it apparently helps pet owners to think they're feeding their beloved comfort food. In reality, it just dirties the floor around his dish.

Gravy, gravy, gravy. It's even sounds funny if you repeat it over and over.

Admittedly, without it, chicken fried steak would be characterless. Eating meat loaf without the red gravy (you DO prefer the red gravy, right??) would be a perfunctory process. And Frank Zappa's "Lumpy Gravy" album would need to be renamed.

So I give up. We're stuck. Apparently humans and gravy are inextricably, cosmically connected.

And that's good news if you own stock in Cracker Barrel.



* I am plagued with these kinds of absurd thoughts frequently - and unfortunately I feel the need to write about them. I'm very sorry for this.

More personal data

On a quest to evoke a worldwide mass-vomit, more Dave details:

41- I once went on a field trip on a cruise ship in 1st grade in California. It made all the other field trips I’ve taken (park, planetarium, museum, etc.) seem really shitty.

42- I am ambid… ambidex… uh, I can use both hands for most anything. When I write with my left hand, I tend to write backwards, and it looks nearly perfect in a mirror.

43- We couldn’t afford new shoes when I was a kid, so I wore what I had. They became so small on me, it caused a severe ingrown nail on my left foot that required plastic surgery to fix.

44- When I was a kid, I couldn’t get through the day without watching Johnny Sokko and his Flying Robot. I was also a Trekkie when I was younger. I realize this makes me a freak, and I’m okay with it.

45- I have finally decided which part of the female body I like most. The tummy. Followed closely by the butt. It’s taken me 25 years to decide that.

46- I am not an easy person to get to know, I tend to keep my cards close to my vest.

47- My favorite movie is “Field of Dreams.” I can hardly ever get through it without tears. And of course I mean the manly kind of tears.

48- I am a very strict Dad, yet I believe both of my kids would consider me fair. I think parents generally are too easy on their kids.

49- I recently bought a microwave burrito at Quick Trip for dinner. It’s the first time I have eaten anything out of a convenience store microwave in 18 years. About 2 hours later, I remembered why.

50- If you’re a teacher, I think you should be paid a well-above-average salary. And you should earn it by taking extra time with each student so none of them fail.

NOW is the time for alternative energy development

Heads are being pulled out of the sand, only to be met with more bad news regarding the warming of the Earth.

LINK

Exerpt:
Scientists now have evidence that changes are occurring in the Gulf Stream, the warm and powerful ocean current that tempers the western European climate. Without the influence of the Gulf Stream and its two northern branches, the North Atlantic Drift and the Canary Current, the weather in Britain could be more like that of Siberia, which shares the same latitude.

Wadhams and other scientists say the slowing of the Gulf Stream could contribute to other severe effects on the planet, such as the complete melting of the Arctic ice cap in the summer months. That could eliminate the habitat and lead to the extinction of Arctic wildlife, including the polar bear. Current predictions indicate that could happen as early as 2020 or as late as 2080.


Look, I don't mean to sound harsh... and this IS just one piece of the evidence puzzle... but if you've been skeptical about global warming, it's time to wake up. The clear scientific data is overwhelming, and the process appears to be moving faster than anyone predicted.

A few things I've learned

Things were falling out of my head again today, as I pondered life and it's valuable lessons. So I figured I might as well burden you with my mental flotsam. On my journey, I've learned:


1 - What’s right for you isn’t right for the next guy. Unless we’re talking about Anna Kournikova here.

2 - The older you get, the more stamps you have in the house.

3 - Now’s not a good time. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow.

4 - The length of time you can tolerate watching reality television is inversely proportionate to the length of time a person who doesn’t know what “inversely proportionate” means can watch reality television.

5 - People named Howard always have a certain look about them. Also Larry.

6 - Your lower back will cramp at the furthest point of the bike trail.

7 - A cell phone’s address book capacity will always be approximately 90 percent of your number of friends, family and associates.

8 - Nobody stops by unannounced unless you’re naked.

8b - Being naked doesn’t necessarily make someone stop by.

9 - Vegetable medleys suck.

10 - Sometime when you’re out of TP, you may be tempted to use a “feminine napkin.” Avoid doing this. The linear slippage factor is vastly less than that to which you are accustomed.

11 - You can’t screw up stir-fry, even by adding fruit.

12 - Corvettes are “look at me” cars. Except the one my friend Gary owns. He’s different. Just ask him. *

13 - If you ever own a cat, you should name him Ron. Every time you call him you’ll giggle. Ron is no name for a cat.

14 - You can search every channel late at night, and nothing you find will make you stop missing Johnny Carson.

15 - There’s no way a person with hands my size can ever eat an entire can of Pringles.



That's all I came up with for now... although my head tends to spring leaks at the most inopportune moments.



* - It's an inside joke. Gary knows I'm kidding. Mostly.



***

Frankenmouse

A few exerpts from an article I was reading this morning:

In January, an informal ethics committee at Stanford University endorsed a proposal to create mice with brains nearly completely made of human brain cells..."

"... the board was satisfied that the size and shape of the mouse brain would prevent the human cells from creating any traits of humanity. Just in case, Greely said, the committee recommended closely monitoring the mice’s behavior and immediately killing any that display human-like behavior..."

This is both fascinating and disturbing. I am excited about the prospects of curing diseases which have plagued mankind for millenia, yet completely turned off by the line about killing mice which exhibit "human-like behavior."

What, will they hire a guy to watch for the mice to start talking to one another? "Hey Fred, pull my finger!"

Watch for the male mice to start suggesting sex without commitment? See if the females binge shop and get weepy once a month? See if they feel the need to buy a little Minny-van (wink, wink) when they have a family?

What sorts of "human-like behavior" are they looking for? Those words just creep me out.


Link

***

Morning

When the day’s first light
Shines down the hall
And the smell of coffee
Dances into the room,
My mind gently stirs
Beneath the weight of the morning.
I rise and,
With robe holding in the night’s warmth
Shuffle toward the sounds in the kitchen
Where I know you’ll be.
You always are.

Before there was you,
Morning came rudely…
Little more than a beginning of
Just another day.
The memory of its incivility
Is now thankfully filtered by
Time and distance.

When you came,
Morning seemed to take on
A new meaning.
No longer a blurry inconvenience
But the start of another chapter
In a book with no ending.

And yet…

That was the smell of coffee
Wasn’t it?
I could have sworn…
Yet as I draw closer
The aroma seems to fade.
And the light from the hallway
Now appears to be
Little more than a dusky illusion.
The sounds of the morning
And your stirring
Now fading into a
Most profound quiet.
The night rushing back
To fill the empty space.

A mental mirage, all of it.
Perhaps a self-deceptive facade
conjured by the part of the mind
which fears the stillness
Of solitude.

How long have you
Been gone now?
It seems like yesterday,
And yet
Like a million years.

I thought you’d still be here...
You always were.



This poem stumbled out of my head a few days ago, inspired by current personal events... but in a moment of epiphany I realized it could have been channeled from the ghost of my Grandmother. I'm certain the words appropriately represent the way she felt after Grandpa's death, they were definitely morning people.


***

Basil and the rain

“Hey, Steve. That guy over there looks like Kevin Costner.”

We were sitting at the bar, poolside at the Clevelander Hotel on South Beach. It was a brutally hot day, but Bombay Sapphire and tonic were making it all bearable. And the occasional walk-by courtesy of a bikini clad, tanned local girl didn’t hurt.

We were in Miami for a boys golf weekend and to size up the musical talent of a new country artist. The artist was “okay,” the golf was amazing, and now it was Sunday afternoon. We had several hours to kill before the flight back to St. Louis, so naturally we ended up in the place all single men gravitate to if given a few idle hours in Miami on a sunny afternoon.

Steve followed my pointing finger. “That’s not Kevin Costner,” he sneered. “Watch this.”

“Hey, Basil!” The Costner lookalike turned his head and a smile appeared instantly.

“Steve, what the hell are you doing here?” Costner turned out to be Basil, a friend of Steve’s from Arkansas, and he helped prove my theory regarding the gravitational force of South Beach on single men.

We sat at the bar, continued drinking and caught up on old times. Eventually the tan bikini clad girl joined us, her interest piqued by our loud laughter and conversation... and her apparent attraction to Steve.

Damn, that figures.

We drank and talked… laughed and drank…told jokes and drank some more until the world around us had almost completely disappeared. Which explains why we failed to notice the clouds that were building just west of the island. In an odd twist of fate, I looked at my watch at the exact moment I felt the first raindrop.

“Steve, shit dude our plane leaves in 90 minutes!” This would not have been a problem had we been flying out of Miami. Instead, we had chosen Ft. Lauderdale for about half the rate. Clearly we were now regretting the decision.

And then the rain came.

Not ordinary rain, sheets of blinding rain. The kind that prevents you from seeing 5 feet in front of you. Stand in it for just a few seconds, and it’s as if you jumped into a pool with your clothes on.

There was no time to wait out the weather, so we made a break for it. No sooner had we entered the downpour, we realized we had no idea where we parked the car. (maybe it had something to do with our state of insobriety, but anyway…) The car was several blocks away and we were clueless as to which direction.

We ran block to block, looking for a rental car of which we could scarcely remember a description, in the blinding rain, with cell phones that had already shorted out and shut themselves off. I remember considering the possibility that the car had driven itself to another location just to annoy us.

It rained, cloud-burst style, for 45 minutes, and it took every second of that time to find the car. Wet, drunk and laughing like hyenas, we got in and only then realized we weren’t the only ones trying to get off the island… the traffic was complete gridlock.

And our gas tank was empty.

After working our way across the bridge and through a gas station, and by the time we made it to the airport, Steve had decided he was staying an extra day with the tan girl and I had 5 minutes to get to my gate. I was still dripping wet and had to use the restroom in the worst way, but I had to make that plane... it was the last one to St. Louis until morning.

I ran the entire way to my gate, got on the plane just as the door was closing and found my seat. Of course it would have to be a center seat between two rather large people. Dripping wet and giggling at the thought of how the day had gone, I was the subject of much scorn as I sat down. I smiled and passed out as the plane took off, and didn't open my eyes until the wheels touched down in St. Louis.

Still soaked to the bone, drunk and with blisters on my hands from golfing, I walked down the ramp, into the airport and headed for the nearest payphone to get a ride home.

The next day, the weather channel had a story of the record-setting rainfall that had hit the Miami area. Hung over but home and dry, I smiled.

It had been one of the true, great weekends.

Dave's Friday Photo

Me and the Mrs.

And the Mrs. stands for "Dave Mrs. You."

Mish Mash

I heard news this morning of a client station of mine in San Francisco who flipped formats yesterday. Obviously my work with them is over, which I take personally... although I have 64 other stations. But my friends who worked there have all been let go. They are all good people and will land on their feet. Ray, Rick, Katie... let me know what I can do to help.
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Ronald Reagan was famous for saying he didn't leave the Democratic party, they left him. I am beginning to feel the same about the Republicans. Every day they are representing me less. Although still I lean in that direction, I take exception with several recent moves.

Terri Schiavo is one example. What a cluster-#$%^. Need I say more?

Bankruptcy reform is another. That sort of reform should begin at the top, with corporations who file for bankruptcy... yet continue to pay their officers' exorbitant salaries. The employees lose their jobs and retirement, and the CEO still walks away with millions? If anything needs reform, THAT does. Should it be more difficult for anyone to file bankruptcy? Absolutely. But it should start at the top.

Republicans have been changing rules whenever it serves them lately. Tom DeLay violates campaign rules, which makes him ineligible to continue as majority leader. So instead of following protocol and picking a new majority leader... Republicans decide to just change the rules? Bullshit.

And now they want to do away with ability to filibuster judicial nominees. Come on, guys. Changing rules to suit your needs make you look like dicks, especially in light of the DeLay scandal. Let it rest.

And get away from religion for a while. It's okay to be religious, just don't consider religion when you model laws that govern our land. There are lots of people in this country, you need to represent them all... not just those of your own faith. You're losing the center - and you'd do well to remember you cannot win without them.

All politicians: people are starting to call bullshit on you. I feel a ground-swell, and anyone who doesn't has their head in the sand.
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I'm sorry, but it's May 12 and I seem to have forgotten my friend Kim's birthday. Happy birthday girl, hope you're doing well!
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Today's great musical line: "I'm crying like a church on Monday." I couldn't find a really cool line about Thursdays. Sorry.
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A friend sent me this:

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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Have a spanky day.


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Vacancy: Dave's Head

You might ask: "Dave... how can I tell when you have nothing on your mind?"

Answer: "When I write a goofy horiscope translation as a proxy for something substantive, meaningful and consequential."


What my horiscope for today SAYS:

TAURUS *** You might not realize the impact of a decision. You might be coming from a strong sense of security. Your family and domestic life need to take a greater priority. Make calls in the later afternoon. Meetings work. Tonight: Out and about.


What my horiscope for today MEANS:

Taurus *** You shouldn't have added the Mrs. Renfro's Habenero Seed Salsa to your nachos last night... you might be able to wander further than 20 feet from the loo today. Perhaps your colon's not lead-lined after all. Don't blow off taking your daughter to her track meet in favor of "just one more throw" at the craps table. Avoid your usual 3 hour nap. Instead, actually try to keep your business solvent. Maybe you should have powwowed with the wife before trading in the mini van for a Suzuki Hayabusa GSX1300R with the extra chrome package. Tonight: marriage counselor.

Why I love to travel

Part of the gift given me by my Mother is the heart of an explorer. I grew up in many different towns in several states, attending probably a total of 20 schools in my life... so it's not surprising I don't let grass grow under my feet.*

My desire is to see every inch of the world, and to live in another 4 or 5 parts of it while I'm young... or at least before I succumb to arthritis, dementia and incontinence. My eye is always on the horizon, a compass is always in my pocket and the courage I possess to go wherever I wish is either a blessing or a curse.

In my profession, I can do what I do from a beach or a mountain, on any continent or in any corner of the globe. That is a luxury for which I am eternally grateful.

With all that in mind, it's no wonder the poem "Ulysses" by Tennyson hits home. These exerpts now reside on a slightly yellowed piece of paper on the side of my fridge:

'T is not too late to seek a newer world.

For my purpose holds

To sail beyond the sunset… until I die.

It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;

It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles…

And tho' we are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are…

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find…
And not to yield.

*a description given me by my friend Gary - and yes, wherever it is I'll be, there WILL be beer.

The vegetable medley

How freaking tough can it be for a restaurant to offer corn, green beans, peas or other standard vegetables? Why does it always have to be the cauliflower/squash/carrot "medley?" And why use a musical term to describe food? I'm sick of the mixed veggie cop-out. Sick of it!

And just because you cut fruit cocktail up into smaller pieces doesn't mean you can call it a "salsa." Salsa is for tortilla chips and huevos rancheros. Fruit cocktail is for sissies. There is a difference.

And what's with all the sweet and meat combos these days? Does a ribeye really need a raspberry reduction sauce? Are ribs really the place for apricot chutney? What happened to A-1?

Someday I will open Dave's Restaurant. Your favorite foods will be served, leave a comment so I know what they are.

And don't use the words "medley" or "salsa" unless you want a knot on your head in the shape of Chef Dave's frying pan.

A moment of clarity...

...courtesy of Dan Fogelberg.

The higher you climb, the more that you see

The more that you see, the less that you know

The less that you know, the more that you yearn

The more that you yearn, the higher you climb

The farther you reach, the more that you touch

The more that you touch, the fuller you feel

The fuller you feel, the less that you need

The less that you need, the farther you reach

Mom

If you're reading, happy Mother's day. Thanks for everything, I appreciate and love you.

To my wife, you're a great Mother and I love you. The home and family miss you.

Happy Mother's Day* to all today...




*and not the kind of "mother" referred to in the earlier post about cursing.


***

Friday already?

I blinked my eyes and it's Friday.

I must say things have gone awry in the world of Dave in the past month, without getting into details. Awry in a personal way, not professional... I'm doing fine there.

But in my mind right now is a predominance of negative stuff. And I hate when that happens, it makes my writing sound negative. (in case you hadn't noticed on your own) So I wanted to stand before you for just a moment of emotional nudity and say I'm not always such a negative person.

In that spirit, I will now make note of some of my favorite positive things:

My kids.
My dog Regis.
Japanese maple trees.
Good health.
Mailmen with a check.
My cat Kramer.
Anheuser Busch.
Advil, to make mornings-after liveable.
My friends.
Habaneros, jalapenos and other 'Os that are spicy.
Comedy Central.
Mornings.
Strawberry concretes.
Black coffee.
Mom/Dad.
Finally, and actually firstly... my wife.

Okay, look. Dave's posted something positive, non-sarcastic, non-cynical and actually uplifting. You're welcome.

Things will get back to normal soon. I hope. Have a great weekend.

Cinco and cussin'

First, may I say happy 05/05/05 to you and yours. I will drink a margarita for each of you today. That's right, if my hit counter goes up by 50 today, I'll drink 50. Trust me. I am a man of my word. Happy freakin' Cinco.

Side note: only 13 months and a day until 06/06/06. Of course that's the day we'll all die horrible, grisly deaths at the hands of the anti-christ which is, ironically, Tom DeLay.

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Do you curse? I do. It's not a good thing, and I'm trying to quit... but there are just words that are too good NOT to use.

The F-word is the Grand Mack Daddy of them all. Very flexible word, not many instances where it won't work for me. Except perhaps in church. Or on my site... I've never written that word here. YOU are welcome to use it anytime in the comment section, I do not censor you. I love you.

"Shit" goes without saying. (and yet I just had to say it didn't I?)

Some of the most fun curse words are those that replace people's names. I will list a few of my favorites now:

A classic staple is of course "asshole." It's a true paradigmatic masterpiece... and it says it all, doesn't it? Asshole flows trippingly off the tongue. (ew, I just used tongue and asshole in the same sentence and that just isn't right) I guess that's why it's stood the test of time... it's easy to say and applies to so many situations. I once told my fiance'-now-wife that I was an asshole. She can't say I didn't warn her.

"Asshat" is a good one, (sticking with the ass theme) yet I'm not certain what it means. "Assface" makes me giggle. And "asswipe" is as good as they come, I use that one quite frequently.

And then there's Dick. Why is it that I feel fine calling anyone dick... except those who are actually named Dick? It makes me squirm to talk to someone named Dick, yet I'm happy to call my buddy Ron a dick.

Do you have a favorite curse word? I'm feeling in a particularly down mood and would love to be picked up. So in the spirit of sharing, leave a comment my fellow potty-mouth! Cursing is very therapeutic.

The Virgin Jennifer?

I won't spend time suggesting silly explanations or trying to rationalize this image. To do so might lead you to an incorrect, less-than-divine conclusion. But it's clear this ethereal toastal image is that of Jennifer.

It was discovered on a piece of bread pulled from a toaster in Rathdrum, Idaho by the wife of a mailman. How it appeared on eBay is beyond me, but I'm sure it will fetch a handsome price.

Monday morning round-up

It was a simply shitty weekend. I can't think of a better way of summarizing it, just... shitty. Without going into why, let me just be thankful it's Monday. (I thought I'd never say those words!)

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In the news this morning:

"...Adrift on a sailboat without food or fresh water for six days, 17-year-old Josh Long and a friend survived on sea water, raw jellyfish — and faith..."

Link

I wonder how many days I've gone without "fresh water." I can remember one period where I went for 4 or 5 MONTHS drinking nothing more than beer, Pepsi and a little coffee. Not a single glass of water.

And sunburn? Holy UV, I've spent time in the emergency room after certain float trips when I figured sunscreen was for p*ssies. Not to mention a period of my life where I ate nothing but sushi for like 8 weeks. If it didn't come from the ocean and wasn't raw, I didn't ingest it.

Those guys are lightweights.

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The woman from Georgia who, under pressure of a 600-attendee, 28-groomsmen/bridesmaid, completely overdone waste-of-time-and-money wedding ceremony, staged her own abduction and went to Albuquerque... it now appears, planned her getaway days prior to her "disappearance." And as we all know, the only thing worse than spur-of-the-moment lying about being abducted by a short Hispanic guy while jogging, taken to Albuquerque and being held against your will... is premeditatingly lying about being abducted by a short Hispanic guy while jogging, taken to Albuquerque and being held against your will.

Actually, it's quite possible that every single person IN Albuquerque is being held there against their will, but I digress.

Let's be honest. Nobody needs a wedding where 30 freakin' people stand at the altar at once, being watched by 600 guests. To spend that amount of money on a ceremony for a "cahoots" that will statistically last no more than 6 or 7 years is a ridiculous waste of hard-earned money.

And the poor fiance'. With the precidence of Peterson, Condit, O-J and others, the cops had him framed tighter than the Mona Lisa and taking lie-detector tests already. If he still marries this gal he's crazier than she is.

Wouldn't it be ironic if the punishment for "inventing a crime that doesn't exist" is 6 to 7 years in prison? Same basic result, different method.

Although this way, her family has leftovers for 600.

Link

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"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" opened over the weekend. If it's anywhere NEAR as good as the book (which I've just finished reading for the first time since the 80's) I can't wait to see it.


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Have a good week everyone.

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