In search of a firm stool

I don't generally discuss poop but I'll be honest - when they say "don't drink the water," believe it.

I'm freshly back from Mexico and I can honestly report that if you're planning to visit the Grand Palladium in Playa del Carmen... do plenty of research. We walked 3 to 6 miles a day just getting from our room to the buffet, beach, pools, watersports, restaurants and bars. They have a train-type shuttle running between the lobbies of the four different resorts, but they were usually full and ran only every 20 to 30 minutes. For us, it was way too big. My feet still feel like hamburger because flip-flops aren't meant for freakin' l-o-n-g hikes.

But we had a great time anyway. Smoked some Cubans, ate some local food, and popped Immodium like candy.

We traveled with seven other people ranging from a doctor to an English guy to a hawk-eared teacher. Some of the quotes from the trip:

"Yoouu carrrr-(burp)-rrry my f*#king shoooes." - Dr. Mike, in the midst of a mean-ass tequila drunk that it took seventeen hours to sleep off, to his wife who was trying to corral his ass and get him to bed. He missed dinner and maybe drank 3 more drinks the entire week.

"Aye, aye, aye..." - Head down on the table, Ada, the Brit Hooligan Englishman, on the evening of the same drunk as Dr. Mike. One of the three guys who got completely shit-faced, he was the only one to regurgitate vomit puke his guts up in the Asian restaurant powder room.

"Don't eat the fish." - Ada's advice to a guy who walked into said powder room during said puking. I'm pretty sure the guy left the restaurant immediately.

"Eep, opp, ork, ah ah" - The stupid Jetson's phrase that got stuck in our head at the adult pool one day. I guess all the nekkid boobies weren't enough to occupy us.

"I always cut the netting out of my slacks." - Dr. Mike... by "netting," he means the mesh found in the lining of swimming trunks, and by "slacks," he means "I'm drunk when I'm saying this."

"If you're planning on doing only one excursion while you're in Mexico, you should take the trip to the Mayan ruins of Chichen Itza." - the Apple agent in the hotel lobby, helping us decide which activities we were planning to enjoy while on our trip.

"Why the hell should I take a trip to chicken pizza?" - Mike Cornett, right after the Apple guy did his schpiel.

"Hey, they put more pool in the water." - Diana Cornett, self explanatory.

"My cammmerra gott stollllllenn." - Uncle Mikey, who completed the trio of drunkards on the fateful day when he got back to his room minus his cammmerra. He forgot he had given it to Diana for safe keeping.

"Y'all are gonna have the shits." - Emily, through the window to people seated in the Brazilian restaurant 24 hours after our trip to same.

"Something back here smells like cheese." - Paula Williams, just seconds before somebody discovered that someone had shit on the floor in the aisle behind us on the bus. I kid you not. Apparently, that person had also been to the Brazilian restaurant.

"These freakin' Mexicans." - The bus driver talking to us immediately after cleaning up said shit. Funny part, he was totally a Mexican.

"What do you think, Emily?" - Everyone, when trying to decide what to do that day. My significant other became the point person of the trip, doing the bitching, breaking ties, and making decisions on behalf of the rest of the group. Her innate ability to control children in her classroom came in handy all week.

To those who went on the trip - if you can think of other quotes, please post them in the comment area.

We had a great time... but again, long story short - don't drink the water.

Or go to the Brazilian restaurant.