I'm...

Gone beachin'.


While I am relaxing by the water, I will get recharged, renewed, rewired and refocused. See you in a few days... and happy Fourth of July holiday to everyone.

Fetch

Sometimes you're so busy dealing with other people's balls, you can't pay attention to your own.


I hate when that happens.

Enemies of the Chiropractor

A good friend of mine is a chiropractor, so I should first say - Dr. Mike, you know I'm just kidding around.

Okay, now that THAT'S out of the way... I finally felt like writing something humorous tonight, and the noble field of chiropractic medicine came into my sites. Satire, people. Satire. I LOVE Chiropractors!

Top 10 enemies of the chiropractor:

10 - A hot bath
9 - A bag of frozen peas
8 - The fraud department at Blue Cross/Blue Shield
7 - The witch doctor
6 - The state attorney general
5 - Your friendly masseuse who offers the "happy ending" (no, wait - a good chiropractor will give you one too... and charge your insurance)
4 - Ben Gay
3 - The Craftmatic adjustable bed (also the single man's best friend)
2 - A beaded seatcover

And the number one enemy of the chiropractor:
1 - The common heating pad

Soon, on Dr. Mike's blog, I would expect to see the "top 10 enemies of the voice over guy." If he doesn't write one, I'll be disappointed.

Recessive jeans

Okay, look. Regarding my last post: I'm not running for political office, so stop asking. I don't have enough DWIs, drug offenses or draft-dodging experience... I could never win.

---

I made the mistake of wandering into Abercrombie & Fitch the other day to look for jeans for my daughter. A group of girls strolled out dressed a little like this:

First, the girls I went to school with looked nothing even close to this mature. Could it be that growth hormones we feed cattle and chickens, or MTV, are getting into the kids?

Anyway, it made me think about a post I wrote recently, so I'm re-posting it for shits 'n giggles:

It has become so bad, pop culture has developed a name for them, "prosti-tots." Influenced by Britney Spears and others who came into the spotlight as children, parents are giving in to their kids' demands to be allowed to dress and act like adults... even trampy ones. Consequently, we have successful stores like Hollister, Deb, etc., new lines of children's make-up, and an entire generation of underaged hoochie-mamas who are dressing like their older, street-walking counterparts.

First, let me tell you what I am NOT: a prudish old man who walked to school barefoot in the snow, worked as a blacksmith and laments the days of the outhouse.

What I AM: the father of a teenage daughter... which, when done correctly, is far harder than snow walking, blacksmithing or sub-zero pooping. On our shopping trip last weekend, I finally okayed a pair of boots with 2-3 inch heels. She has bugged me about them for a couple of years now - and since she's almost 17, I finally gave in. I did so with a bit of trepedation, a fear of what she will want next, and sadness that she's growing up. It's not like I make her wear bloomers, and fasten her top button... but it was a big step for me - and for her.

I know she felt my hesitation. More importantly, I think she appreciated it. She really is a good girl, and has been a pretty good sport about my conservative clothing requirements. She made it through her younger years without becoming a prosti-tot.

Now, I need to make sure she doesn't become an ad-ho-lescent.

PS - Let me say this. I realize this policy has implications with peer pressure and her ability to "fit in." She handles it well and we compromise frequently, so all parties are satisfied. I am thankful she hasn't gone "goth" on me yet, but at this point, if she chooses to, it's her choice. She's old enough to make those decisions.

Hey, you influence them while you can, then you have to let go and cross your fingers.

Getting all political on your ass, then you're free for the weekend

Kim got me all pissed off.

On her blog today, she brought something up that I've been too busy to even think about... and that must be pretty common, because I haven't heard enough outrage from fellow Americans.

Last week, congress voted itself another pay increase. They now make almost $170,000 a year... for about 100 to 120 days of work.

Same week - congress denies (yet again) an increase in the minimum wage... something that has been stuck at $5.15 per hour since 1997. Nineteen-ninety-seven. Almost a decade. And the denial is done in a most unseemly manner, by attaching an anti-abortion amendment that is referred to as a "poison pill," which is designed to derail the original bill. Senator Bill "always thinking of myself first" Frist (R-TN) was solely responsible for taking any chance of a minimum wage increase off the table for another year. Well, that's not exactly true, politicians hunt in packs.

Why is it even possible to connect or attach unrelated amendments? It's an obvious attempt to kill the original bill, rather than to actually "show your cards" on the issues and have a real vote. The tactic is also used to introduce pork legislation that would have no chance of passing otherwise. I'm not clear how this procedure became commonplace, but it needs to stop.

These recent congressional pay increases (eight of them in 10 years, totalling more than 25 percent) are just another example of how this country has gone so severely off course politically, that we can start looking back at some of the huge crashes of empires throughout history for a peek at our fate. Truly. The greed, corruption and... gasp, should I say... even religious influence that has infiltrated our political system will be it's undoing.

Did you notice how congress convened an emergency session for one right-to-die case,(Schiavo, and it was all about mobilizing the religious right) put front-and-center the issues of gay marriage and flag burning, (which Americans aren't even concerned with) but still finds ways to avoid doing the REAL work, such as cleaning up the environment, (which will cost corporations money) dealing with health care issues (which will cost corporations money) and other things they've been conveniently ignoring? (most of which would cost corporations money and God knows we can't piss off our lobbyist friends)

I'm not a liberal. I'm not a conservative. I'm an independent thinker and have differing opinions based on the ISSUES, not political affiliation. I understand the need to keep corporate America solvent, I really do. It's vital to keep money flowing freely, to protect businesses who drive the economy and make us competitive with the international marketplace. I understand all of that. But come on.

Republicans have morphed into a barely recognizable version of a party that once truly repesented a good percentage of Americans. Democrats have lost all clout, backbone and initiative, barely providing the balance that defines our political system. And all are controlled by corrupt outside influences that can best be described as a dark underbelly OF the dark underbelly that is the District of Columbia. There are no brakes on this train.

I'm not predicting doomsday, but it's time for Americans to wake up and start caring about what is going on under their noses. It doesn't take that much time to stay informed.

And stop it with voting for career politicians like Bill Frist and Ted Kennedy. You are aiding in the mass production and distribution of corruption.

My daughter, the biker

Courtney and Gary took a ride down the road on his Harley the other day, and she said it was better than any old trip to Six Flags. I love that, because Six Flags is 45 bucks a day, and the Harley uses about 45 cents in gas.


They grow up so fast. Hey Courtney, if you decide to ever date a biker, take Dad's advice - make sure he's a Harley guy. They aren't cheap, so the kid will obviously have a good job.

The mood I'm in

Music I'm listening to tonight:

Matchbox 20 - "Hang"

He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside 'till it's gone.
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone.
He knows, she's been here too few years, to be gone.

And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday...
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang.

The Church - "Under the Milky Way"

And it's something quite peculiar
Something shimmering and white
Leads you here despite your destination
Under the Milky Way tonight.

David Gray - "Babylon"

If you want it, come and get it
Crying out loud.
The love that I was giving you was
Never in doubt.
Let go your heart, let go your head
And feel it now,
Babylon.

Elton John - "Levon"

Levon sells cartoon balloons in town
His family business thrives.
Jesus blows up balloons all day
Sits on the porch swing watching them fly.
And jesus, he wants to go to venus
Leaving levon far behind.
Take a balloon and go sailing
While levon, levon slowly dies.

---

I haven't had a speeding ticket in a while, but today that all changed.

The pissant city of Charlack, MO has one cop, and that bastard was sitting right there waiting when I passed, going 73 in a 60. He was a young guy, and was really suspicious of me for some reason. He asked if I had anything to hide, drugs, paraphenalia, etc. Then he asked if I'd like to tell him anything before he ran my license, such as were there any warrants for my arrest.

Come on dude, look at me! At least learn the fine art of profiling. I had a golf shirt and shorts on, and they weren't even gang colors. I was driving a BMW 745. Jebus!

Email, produce... and kids these days

I just want to grab Blogger and shake the daylights out of it. Another day goes by in which I cannot post anything reliably which involves pictures.

Isn't Blogger owned by Google? Doesn't that make it all the more strange that the problem hasn't been fixed? The idea of transferring all my old material to a new home doesn't appeal to me, I monitored the progress of Steve Mays when he did it. I'm not nearly the steady, reliable blogger he is, so issues like this tend to make me think that I'd rather just not blog, than to get upset about it.
---
If I haven't returned your email, it's because my inbox is getting that uncomfortably full feeling. About 3 times a year, I take a half day and clean it out. Email I should have answered long ago gets lost toward the bottom because I've failed to delete the junk as it comes in, and before you know it, my inbox is fatter than Anna Nichole Smith. Er, Kirstie Alley. Er... hey, what is it with famous people losing so much weight these days? It really limits my analogy opportunities.
---
I love the produce stand.

As a guy, I'm wired to dislike grocery shopping, but yesterday I completely skipped the produce department at the grocery store and stopped at a place called Dee's Produce, about a half-mile from my house. It's a little place with the usual fare, strawberries, melons, tomatoes, etc., but you also get the paper handle-bag and one of those other things... what is it again? Oh yeah, a smile.

You hardly ever save money going to a produce stand, but it makes you feel good. I guess it goes back to simplicity. Although it's an extra stop, there's something nice about squeezing tomatoes while chatting with the proprietor about the weather or baseball. You can't beat human contact, and the grocery store produce department, with the automatic waterers and plastic bags just doesn't do it for me.
---
I overheard this from a kid at Six Flags recently on a particularly brisk ride:

"Wow, this is like virtual reality on steroids!"

Yes, he was serious. I think kids need to get away from their computers a little more.

I can't tell you how disturbing it is...

...to open my sitemeter page and check search terms.

I've had people find my blog using some really shocking ones that, on occasion, I've felt were odd enough to share. This one may take the cake, and it conjures up images too strange to fathom. Who on earth needs to search for:

childhood picture with dang shit feces

!!!

I gotta think the IP address would lead back to some sort of mental hospital.

Other search terms in the last 24 hours include, but aren't limited to:

• tits & gravy
• Linda Lovelace pics
• peep through the window (sounds kinky, I'm sure they weren't looking for something innocent)
• penis stains

TITS & GRAVY? WTF, people?!?

________

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all the Dads out there. You know who you are. Or maybe you don't.

Garth, the ultimate artiste

He's in retirement now, but when he was touring, recording and workin' it, he was the best example of doing "it" right.

I should say that I've known Garth Brooks since about 1990, when he was a relative unknown. We had met a few times and had some interesting discussions. In 1993, Garth came to play in St. Louis, and during the backstage event, he remembered not only my name, but also my wife's. He was gracious and humble, and spent a good chunk of time with us.

In 1996, he came to town and again remembered my name, asked about my wife, and spent about an hour just sitting around with me and a few other staff members from the radio station.

My, weren't we both young looking here?

Remind me to tell you the story about how in 1997, I single-handedly forced Capitol Records to release Garth's "Sevens" album about two weeks early. It's a true story, but I have to wait until the statute of limitations passes before I tell on myself.

Brain Bouillabaisse

Dog-lover disclaimer: What you are about to read is disturbing.

Only a few miles from my house, a story unraveled that could only be described as "knuckle dragger meets genetic accident."

A woman, (knuckle-dragger) upset from being sold a puppy that might not have been full-breed chihuahua, apparently went to the seller's (genetic accident) house, and when she opened the door, began beating the seller over the head.

With the (now-dead) puppy.

Story link

Is it really necessary to pummel someone's head with the Taco Bell mascot?

I suppose the victim should feel fortunate she doesn't breed the English Mastiff.*

______

Sign in an office that caught my eye recently:

There will be only one of you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself.

I like that.

______

I don't understand the violence connected with soccer. Hooligans, listen to me. Your "boys" wear knee socks. Calm the hell down.

______

I told you this was a bad idea.

New info coming out recently says that Katrina victims used those $2000 FEMA debit cards to pay attorneys, buy football season tickets, Hawaiian vacations, and get a SEX CHANGE operation.

People wonder why big government is a bad idea? Because government will screw up anything it touches, and your money pays to glue a schlong on a chick.

______

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW, what a ride!"
Anonymous


*The English Mastiff holds the record for world's largest dog, weighing in at 300 pounds.

Hey Olga...

I turned on the television tonight, and got a hearty, unexpected laugh. The news anchor was introducing the meteorologist, a black girl named...

... Olga Breese.

A weather person by the name of Breese. A black girl named Olga. I thought it was funny.



Most air personalities choose stage names, so we can carry on like drunkards and pillagers without being outed. Do you really think Wolfman Jack's name was Jack?

Prior to my arrival on the airwaves of St. Louis, my general manager chose my air name and sent it via press release to all the newspapers and television stations. The name he chose - McDonnell Douglas.  Named after an aviation company based here. He felt it would be a neat local tie-in.

Alas, it was not meant to be. He had to go fish the press releases out of the mail bin after discovering there was already a McDonnell Douglas on the air in St. Louis. Captain Mac Douglas, a traffic guy.

Life's just too funny to make shit up.

Things I accomplished this weekend

• Cleaned kitchen countertops. Realized that my cleaning lady will be here Monday. Spread ketchup and bananas on them again so cleaning lady could retain her healthy level of self-worth.
• Watched Lewis Black's "Red, White and Screwed" on HBO, realized his earlier years were definitely his funniest.
• Got a haircut. Made small talk with the cosmetologist about where she's from, where she went to school, whether she liked working for Hair Saloon... none of which I gave even the slightest shit about.
• Assembled iPod docking station, receiver/equalizer, speakers, attached satellite receiver, re-routed television signal, effectively providing an audio experience in my upstairs living room that only mildly rivals the one downstairs in my family room. Turned on the newly assembled system. Watched Skinemax with the sound turned all the way up. Gave the cops who arrived minutes later this insane story about the spirit of Ernest Borgnine, a wood chipper and a conspiracy involving The Jelly Beans' failed musical career. Chortled wildly and flung my own poo until they left.
• Had a dream in which I singlehandedly solved many of the inherent challenges a landlocked country such as Botswana experiences with exportation of mineral extraction products, as well as other goods and services. Woke up and forgot to write it down. Nuts!
• (here's one for my accountant, Beth) Opened months-old statements and reconciled my corporate and personal accounts. They all balanced to the penny.
• Got on my knees and thanked God they balanced, because if I'm a penny off, I tend to overreact, sometimes with self-destructive results.
• Cleared off TiVos, erasing shows I've already seen and deleting email messages from DirecTV encouraging me not to miss the latest WWE Smackdown. Damn, I missed it.
• Ravenously consumed nearly an entire box of Thin Mints, followed by a quart of 34-degree milk. Lapsed into a sugar/lactose coma. Woke up and it was 36 hours later.
• Lit a candle, instead of cursing the dark.
• Entertained funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung. They said, "here comes the big boss, lets get it on." We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand. The sudden motion made me skip, now we're into a brand new trip.

I can hardly wait until Monday.

Handi-huh?

I'm wondering about this:



So either you get a fifty dollar fine... or a THREE HUNDRED dollar fine? What is the variable here, the judge's mood?

I think if you park in a handicapped space without a permit, you should be forced to push yourself from Boise to Omaha in a wheelchair. Then, you get wacked on the kneecaps by a boat oar.

Indulge me this handicapped joke, because you know I don't really mean it:

Q: How many handicapped people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, he just holds the lightbulb and thinks the whole world revolves around him.

(God forgive me for poking a little fun at the challenged. All in good humor, sir.)

Is it just me?

I have a photo related story I wrote two days ago and have tried to post since then. Blogger will not allow me to upload pictures and I'm getting pretty frustrated. Anyone else having this problem?


UPDATE: Blogger now acknowledges the problem, but for whatever reason, I'm only able to upload one picture per post. My nude expose will have to wait until such a time as I can do "all-or-nothing."

Slogan-riffic

“Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.”

I was referencing this slogan the other day with an all-too-young friend and I realized from her blank expression that she had no idea what I was talking about. I suppose this could be the ultimate example of a generation gap.

In the mid 1970s, McDonalds probably pulled off the most successful advertising coup in history. They had people saying it in their SLEEP. I was 11 at the time, and people at school were betting marbles, lunch money and cinammon toothpicks who could say it the fastest. And those were just the teachers. (Side note: Do you remember cinammon toothpicks? Junior Wilson had a freakin' side business going - two for a quarter. Junior was the mack daddy of the entrepreneurial spirit)

Radio stations had contests - if you could say it within 5 seconds, or if you could say it backwards, or if you could say it in pig latin - you'd win a Big Mac.

It was on shirts, signs, tattoos... it even made the leap to sexual euphemism. "Hey, nice all-beef patties!" "Wanna try my 'special sauce'?" "I am the sesame seed to your buns." (okay I made that last one up)

Any particularly memorable advertising campaigns stick out in your mind?

Today is...

06/06/06

And just where the HELL is the end of the world? I wasn't just kiddin' around when I skipped my mortgage payment, goddamn it.

I swear...

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth - just been very busy. I will write something tonight.

Unless I don't. In which case, I won't. But I will.

Finally hit the big-time

I've been found via Google search using the term men forced to wear diapers and dresses.

Yes, they caught me... I am The One. I write more stories about men in diapers and dresses under duress than any other blogger on earth.

Time for champagne!