The Baby!

He's only about five weeks away, and we're down to the "brass tacks" of preparation.

Em's friends Paula and Carrie, her mother and sister threw a supremely awesome baby shower last weekend, during which my water broke.

I guess I should explain. (not the part about me being at the baby shower in the first place, but about my water breaking) Each person was given a drink with an ice cube that contained a small plastic baby. Whoever's baby thawed out of its cube first had to shout "my water broke!" I won some moisturizer and lip balm. I promptly donated it back to the cause... which was really stupid because my lips are chapped like a beyotch.

We have the world's greatest family and friends, who gave us almost everything we had registered for at Babys'R'Us. (I told Em we should have registered in the Best Buy plasma HD flat-screen department) We are now busy trying to find a place to store it all.

So, at this point the nursery is pretty much finished and ready for Sparky's arrival:


We had our friend's mother paint some pictures on his walls of the animals in his wallpaper. The monkey and tree were done mostly freehand, and came out really well.


She also did some giraffes, which overlook the crib and will probably creep the little fella out.


Some stencil work around the windows and closet doors. If you want the artist's name and contact info, email me. She's really, really good.

The room looks great! The furniture came in cardboard crates that now need disposal. A few years ago, I would have taken them to my former apartment complex dumpster and drop them in at about 2 am. Too bad that's like 20 miles from here now. I thought about burning them in my driveway, but neighbors hate that kind of subdivision misconduct.

St. Valentine must have owned Hallmark stock

So I've been sick with the flu this week and bat-shit busy last week, so I haven't blogged for a month of Sundays. (thanks Grandma) I can only imagine you've been depressed and borderline suicidal without my unique, entertaining perspective.

Emily and I are only about seven weeks away from Child Launch 2008, when Sparky will enter the world with a list of demands: Diapers, boobs and naps. I can help him with the diapers and naps, but my nipples tend to chap like a bitch.



At any rate, the baby's room is nearly ready! Ahead of schedule, I might add... the paint is on, a wallpaper border added. Furniture is assembled and in place, and we have somewhere around 1,200 diapers standing by to catch all the Sparky colon jetsam.

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We paid our annual Valentine's visit to The Melting Pot last night. Do you have any idea what that much freakin' cheese does to your system?

Fondue is always fun, but I wouldn't want to do it more than once a year. First, it would give me flashbacks to the 70's and way too much evil shit went on in my life back then; but moreover, I would gain about two hundred pounds.

Anyway, we had fun despite the waiter's very dry, almost mumbly persona.

Hey, somebody got Em roses!

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There's a city in the St. Louis area that has banned baggy pants. Pine Lawn has decided that it would legislate dignity and self respect.

Now, I understand that some people hate those baggy pants with legs that drag the ground (not to mention the occasional showing-of-the-ass-crack) but what's next? You going to tell me what color lederhosen I can wear?

And what about plumbers? Are you willing to crack down on that crack?

I'll bet they haven't found a solution to their crime problems, but damned if they are going to let these ingracious little mall-monkeys wear loose pants.

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When you're having a baby, you tend to plan his/her future even prior to birth. Such is the case with Sparky, who will attend UCLA and major in biochemistry with minors in psychology and history.

But occasionally Emily and I will stumble across something we don't agree on. For instance, will Sparky be allowed to have a kitchen set?

You're probably thinking, "gee, I wonder which side Dave's on..."

I'm not much into sexual stereotypes, and many (if not most) great chefs are male. (except the lovelies, Em, Paula and Blogarita) I have no problem with the Sparkster being the next Wolfgang Puck, but what does it say to your friends when they peek into a boy's room and instead of a Tonka road grader and one of those orange Matchbox car tracks with the loop-de-loop, they see an Easy Bake Oven?

"Hey Sparky, put away the football because it's time to whip up a nice quiche!"

I'm afraid if we get him a kitchen set, he'll never make quarterback at UCLA. Thoughts?

To Whomever may hear...

In a few days, NASA will beam the Beatles song Across the Universe... literally across the universe.

In commemoration of NASA'S anniversary and the anniversary of the release of the song, they will point the Deep Space Network array of antennae at Polaris, the North Star. It will beam the song to that star and all points beyond.

I wonder who'll hear it...

Words are flying out like

Endless rain into a paper cup

They slither while they pass

They slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow waves of joy are

Drifting thorough my open mind

Possessing and caressing me...

Weather or not...

Another snowstorm rolled through and dumped about... oh... let's see...


8.5 inches* on us. That qualifies as the biggest snowstorm of the season so far, and hopefully the last. You gotta hate anything that makes my dog's weiner drag in the frozen white mess.


"Hey, Dave. Can you toilet train me? I'm sick of this shit."

*approximately one penis** length.

**someone else's penis.