Boo??

Screw YOO!!

I was pretty disappointed when the audience in Mexico made it personal and boo-ed Miss USA during the Miss Universe pageant last night. (by the way, when will the other "lesser" galaxies like Andromedia finally be represented?)

Memo to Mexico and anyone else who hates the US - go fug yourself.

While the US does enjoy world status as the only superpower, is the richest country per capita in the world and uses that status and weight to get a few extra perks... we've also earned the position in ways far too numerous to list here.

Let a flood, earthquake or famine hit your nation and see who is first to arrive and help. Let your enemy attack you and see whose boys show up with the world's most advanced and precise weapons to set things right. Let you be stricken by disease and see whose doctors (the best in the world) mobilize first to find a cure.

Check out who primarily funds nearly every charity, pays trillions in cash, goods and services to its allies around the world when they need it... and buys your plastic SHIT.

Hey Mexico... besides millions of illegal aliens, (who send billions in US currency back to you every year to support your asses) what else do you export to the US? That's right, billions of dollars worth of products, from furniture to electronics and beyond. If we, for even one day, stopped sending our money to you, it would be catastrophic.

Think about that for a minute.

Yes, I know all about the unpopularity of the war in Iraq. I know it sometimes seems like our president makes decisions with a Magic 8-Ball. I know that we've made some international blunders in the past 6 years.

While I'm at it, a message to the Iraqis - we're trying hard to get out of there. We know we screwed up, but our boys on the ground (who we are extremely proud of) are trying their best to set things right for you. When we leave, it's likely you are going to have to fight for freedom and democracy. Really, that's the only way it matters anyway... you gotta want it bad enough to fight.

So anyway. As for all of our shortcomings here in the United States... we know. Nobody's perfect. Everyone has ups and downs. This administration happens to be part of a down period. I hear ya.

Still. Screw you, Mexico... and everyone else in the world that fails to remember what the US has done for you. I grow tired of your selective amnesia.

And leave poor Miss USA alone! She didn't do anything to you.

Except kick your girl's ass.

Thank you.

Celebrity brushes with "greatness"

Recently, after the second dirty martini of the evening, a "good" idea for a blog entry occurred to me. In retrospect, and in the clarity of complete sobriety, it doesn't sound nearly as brilliant. But, being the stubborn bastard I am, I'm writing it anyway.

I was thinking of celebrities I've dated/married. Not real celebrities, but women who had almost the same traits as certain celebrities. For instance... ladies, maybe you dated a rich guy with funky hair. Donald Trump.

I dredge up these old memories hesitantly... I am currently dating the perfect woman, and couldn't be more thankful. But it makes the women of my past seem all the funnier. Bear with me... and please understand, you'll be asked to contribute.

Once I dated Lance Armstrong. Well, the female equivalent - she was missing an ovary and was an avid bike rider. That irony was not obvious until later, when Lance got cancer.

I dated Sandra Bullock once. A look-alike, anyway. People actually mistook her for Bullock when we were out places. I was all like "yeah, I'm dating Sandra Bullock!" Then muttering under my breath, "the psychopathic version, and with no money."

Same with Shania Twain. A time or two, an ex of mine was mistaken for the country singer. Except with the real Shania, what you see is what you get... not so with the look-alike version.

Once I dated Sharon Stone from "Basic Instinct" crossed with Tori Spelling. The Stone part because she expected constant attention, like 3 or 4 phone calls a day. The Tori Spelling part because she had a horrible boob job. (clearly lopsided) (never saw them naked) That relationship lasted about 4 weeks. Or 112 phone calls.

I was married once to Joan Crawford. 'nuf said.

Also to Hugh Grant or (insert rap artist here), whichever cheats most often. Grant, because he messed around on Elizabeth Hurley... with a hooker. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I dated Elizabeth Taylor for about a month. And I've been called the male version of Elizabeth Taylor.

And now, I'm dating Lisa Kudrow... at least in looks. Also, Em is brilliantly intelligent, like the real Lisa Kudrow. (did you know Phoebe from friends has a genius-level IQ in real life?) She also has a little Dolly Parton, mixed with Jenny McCarthy in her.

And she's perfect for me. This is where, God willing, my brushes with celebrity "greatness" end.

Which celebrities have you dated?

I'm a research fool, let there be no mistake

When I buy something, I know exactly what I'm getting. I've always been that way... I research every little aspect and make sure it's exactly what I need.

So as I prepare for the release of the Apple iPhone, I'm looking at all its capabilities, and it may truly be the most amazing phone...

... I'll never own.

See, I have this thing about having the best electronics I can afford. For the $$, the laptop I'm typing on right now is the absolute Cadillac, a 17" widescreen, dual core, 2 gigs of memory, 200 gigs of hard drive... etc. And I replace my laptops about once a year.

Same with cell phones. Currently, I have a Samsung slide phone and a Sprint PDA. Yes, carrying both means all I'm missing is a pocket protector. Screw you... it works for me.

The iPhone is threatening to replace both of them. It has extreme internet capabilities, automatic synching of contacts, bookmarks, calendar, all touch screen, a built-in iPod, mapping and GPS capabilities, auto sensors which turn the screen off (touch and light) when you put the phone to your ear... I'm telling you, it's ALMOST the perfect cell phone.

Almost.

Trouble is, it's only as fast as the network it functions on... and that network is Cingular's EDGE. Why on EARTH they would develop a new state-of-the-art cellular phone that runs on the OLD data network - is completely beyond me. That would be like building a new line of hybrid automobile whose electric motor is disabled.

Sure, the phone includes Bluetooth and Wi-Fi data capabilities, as well. But on a routine basis, when out in the real world, your only high speed option is EDGE.

How stupid is that?

This may be the breaking point for me. When Cingular sells Treos, Blackberries, etc. which run on the new, MUCH faster 3G network, yet leave their newest, hottest product functioning on their old system, they may have lost the sale.

Plus, it doesn't support third-party applications at all, including the ability to open and edit Word documents.

I was convinced I was going to be among the first iPhone owners. Now, I think I will wait a while...

"I don't want to be like him."

That's the excuse that Dr. Foreman is using for leaving his job at the hospital on House, M. D. Dr. House is too negative, skeptical and brash for him.

I can understand that. I used to be that kind of negative, skeptical person. Probably, there are friends who drifted away from me because of it. In some ways and at some times, I still have a little of that person in me... I've been through a lot in life. However, I make no excuses. I allowed myself to become that way.

But now I am making an effort to grow. I try to smile more, I try to be less skeptical, show my happiness more, and generally be more positive. And now it's me who is making an effort to get away from that negativity, skepticism and grizzle.

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As I'm writing this in the living room of a quiet house, after Emily has gone to bed, and with iTunes playing in the background, I realized... do songs get any more soulful or real than Easy by The Commodores? That piano, those lyrics, Richie's voice. Man, I love music.

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Saturday night is "date night" for Emily and me. We'll probably have sushi or a salad and wine, then head to the theater to see Shrek III. I've read the less-than-positive reviews, but I can't imagine it will be TOO bad. I'm really looking forward to it... mostly to be in a dark theater holding hands with my honey.

It's been a really good week, actually. Just the right amount of work, a few nights of socializing with great friends, and a topper of a weekend with perfect weather.

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Em's cell phone bill came in today. Over 400 bucks, and much of it was texting fees related to voting for American Idol!

She changed her package a couple of months ago, not realizing that the new one doesn't include texting fees. I know it's not funny to get a bill 4 times higher than you expect, but I had to laugh a little.

Being a chick with a hot voice, she was able to call and smooth talk the Cingular guy into splitting the diff with her. She said she didn't realize the new package excluded texting. He cut the bill by a pretty significant amount.

So now I'm thinking of doing that with this month's DirecTV pay-per-view porn bill.

Quick note

I have had little time to blog lately, I'm really sorry. I will get back to the routine soon. But for now, I just wanted to pop on to say:

I have officially sworn off watching American Idol next year.

Sanjaya and Melinda this year, and Chicken Little, Daughtry and Taylor Hicks last year, have shown me that the show fails to produce results consistent with true level of talent.

I have a different "take on Blake" than many. I think he's very unique and has talent, but not more than Jordin, and certainly not more than Melinda. He has a gimmick... beat-boxing, which was HUGE in the 90's. He has charisma. He's a likeable guy, and I do. But he is not Idol Final material, just like Taylor Hicks last year. If the show is to preserve a modicum of reputation, Jordin must be crowned American Idol next week.

None of them will be lacking of busy work... Melinda is probably already signed to a recording contract, or at least entertaining several offers. Her rhythm/blues/soul talent will quickly eclipse anything else out there, and she'll be selling CDs like ice in the desert.

But the show is bunk.

And I want more pictures of McPhee.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

If you're a mother, I hope you have a great day today.

Especially if you're MY mother. Hi Mom. Love you very much.

My opinion on a few things. Trust me, you're dying to know.

Jeff Ruby has balls. He owns restaurants in Cincinnati, Belterra, Indiana and Louisville. So during the Kentucky Derby, another guy with HUGE balls, OJ Simpson, strolls into Ruby's restaurant in Louisville with a group of friends.

Ruby kicked Orenthal's ass out. Said he wasn't allowed in his restaurants because of his history, and what he put the Browns and Goldmans through.

So now, OJ's attorney is claiming it was racial. They're going after the guy's liquor license and trying to put him out of business.

I doubt it will happen, the guy will likely get HUGE support from everyone involved. I can't imagine he isn't completely flooded with positive email and phone calls. I'll bet he's gotten hundreds of interview requests.

Business is business. The guy did what he thought was right. He reserved the right to refuse service to anyone, and exercised that right.

So what did Yale Galanter, OJ's attorney, have to say about it? "He messed with the wrong man."

Sheesh, this attorney needs a publicist. You don't make a semi-threatening statement like that about someone like OJ. What an idiot.

Look, OJ... some free advice for you. When someone asks you to leave, just quietly leave. You got away with murder, my friend. You killed someone and walked. Count your blessings - and just quietly walk away.

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I just don't get the whole hullaballoo over the Queen's visit.

How much money have we spent on state dinners, ceremonies, parties and press conferences during her visit? Holy crap, I wish I could have 10 percent of it, I'd buy a nice little beach house and retire.

Government sure knows how to waste some goddamn money. Nothing against the Queen (she's a nice old lady) or England at all, I'm just sayin'...

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Look who's a bigot!

Shocking that Al Sharpton is back in the news, and this time he's on the receiving end of criticism for bigoted remarks he made during an interview about Mitt Romney.

Hey Al, sit down and shut up for a while. I think we're all kind of tired of hearing your voice.

Well, at least I am.

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So... it was LaKisha.


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Shake-up at HBO. Hey, this Albrecht guy has presided over a definite period of growth for what formerly was a "movie channel," and now has become the penultimate source for great television. Aside from House MD, American Idol, Boston Legal and a relatively few others... the best television is on HBO.

With only four more episodes of Sopranos, I must admit - I'm eager to see where they're going next. They do have a compelling lineup of new shows on the way, along with the ones I watch now, like Entourage, Real Time with Bill Maher, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Six Feet Under, etc.

It's hard to believe that in a month, The Sopranos will be toast. I hate the way I feel about that stupid show. It's violent, messy, ridiculous and it mocks me for loving it.

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My high school reunion is coming up in about a month. I'd like to at least seem like I've done something with my life for the past 25 years. Anyone have ideas for me?

I guess I could dress up like a "super agent cowboy astronaut millionaire" like Peter Griffin did at his high school reunion on Family Guy.

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Okay, the Sonata I took 30 minutes ago is now working. My head is spinny and sleepy, just like it's supposed to be. I was just now barely able to wolf down eighteen thin mints. I am nearly ready to report back to bed to finish my night's sleep. So WHY is it again that I can't sleep eight hours in a row lately?

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One more thing before I go, the Word-you-find-the-definition-for-here-but-use-later-and-sound-brilliant: Denouement. \day-noo-MAWN\, noun. It means the final resolution of the main complication of a literary or dramatic work.

Used in a sentence: "Denouement is a word I usedta didn't know but now I do because of Dave's incredible blog."

Always drink upstream from the herd.

My Weekend...

A photo journal by Dave Morris

********

It was "Sinko-de-Mayo" weekend.

I mixed 'em.

We "slammed" 'em.

Gary had a siesta.

The fire roared.

Nobody puked. (while this picture was being taken)

Ella helped her Uncle Dave cook steaks.

And through it all, since Emily was operating the camera, we didn't get any good pictures together. Bummer...

And now, it's Monday.

Weekend Photo Essay

My new computer has a card reader that allows easy access to my PDA data card, so I was able to off-load a bunch of photos that I've been taking for the past year. I will now bore you with them. What better to do with your weekend???



Here's Emily in a deep, contemplative state. Or, mad at me. Whichever. She's awesome.





Mike and Paula's cat, Sigma, is the only cat I've ever seen sit like this. He's an anona... anomo... anomal... he's weird.



Back in the 1980's, I worked at the Lake of the Ozarks at a station called KLOZ, and it was in this building. I took this picture on a recent trip through Eldon, and honestly, the building looks about the same as it did when I worked there.

That door in the middle of the picture... led into the STUDIO where we broadcasted. Ha!

On a recent trip to a Thai restaurant, this is the dish Emily ordered. It came in a nice half-pineapple "dish" and tasted a little weird. I think there was shrimp and some other kind of seafood in it. Not too sure.

I'm not sure if this was the dessert from the same restaurant, but we thought it was pretty enough to snap a picture.

Oh wait, it was Emily's birthday dessert from this year! Ice cream pie.

On a grocery shopping adventure I apparently found the "Yard-O-Beef" summer sausage to be funny. I think every guy should have a "yard-o-beef."



Ditto with the "Pickle in a Pouch." Every girl should have one. That's just some priceless shit, there.



Here's Emily feeling a little maternal with my nephew, Preston. She'd make a GREAT mom. Definitely has the boobs for it. :)

"In loving memory of our son David."

I was in line at the bank the other day and got behind this van. It certainly brought everything into perspective. I have no troubles, I have no worries. I wept for a minute for these people. I must have been having an emotional day.

Fixation

As I review the search terms used to find my blog, I can't help but be proud - and a little embarrassed.

First, I should point out I've never put a picture of boobs anywhere on my blog... I've only LINKED to a couple of them. That in mind:

Fat boob
Talladega 07 boobs
Asian boobs
World's best boobs
Droopy boobs
Squishy boobs
Fat huge boobs
Boobs asian
Albert Pujols (I didn't even know he had boobs)
My girl's breasts 09
Do wacka do wacka do
Another one for Talladega boobs

Swear to God, I'm not lyin'. I don't understand how THAT many people could be searching for boobs in only a week.

And I wonder how much a plane ticket to Talladega would cost me.

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I'm finally getting my office/studio organized and working. Over the weekend, I converted everything to digital, and installed a new DAW. (digital audio workstation - a fancy term for "computer") It's outfitted with Windows Vista, and although I've heard some negative things about it, I have found it most user friendly and fairly functional. Lots of animation and graphic candy, while still running my audio software flawlessly. (for the most part)

I'm really tired now, because two nights of the past 3 I've been up until 3 or 4 in the morning. It's worth it, though - I shouldn't have to upgrade my studio again for at least 10 years... maybe more.

And by then, I will probably be retired and reclined on a beach chair somewhere.

With donkies flying out of my ass.

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Couple of things from Aly's World:

At three minutes and four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May this year, the time and date will be 02:03:04 05/06/07. This will never happen again.


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Moments in a Jar

Like fireflies collected
On a warm summer night,
I wish I could keep
Moments in a jar
And release them later
When it's a little too quiet.

Dave Morris, April 2007