The weather, it is a changin'

This city is a weatherman's nightmare.

We are right on the line between a snow city and a rain city in winter. Meteorologists pull their hair out trying to predict, because temperatures hover so close to 32.

St. Louis used to be a definite snow city, but climate has changed a bit. Years ago, it was not unusual to get two or three 12-inch snows a year, along with a smattering of four or five 6-inch snows. Last year, we received a total of about 5 inches of snow all winter.

In the next 36 hours, winter arrives here in earnest. Today, sometime around mid-afternoon, the temp will drop from 70 to 35 in about 2 hours. Then, the precipitation will begin.

Yep, the weather here is like a box of chocolates.

Today's forecast:



Morning Sun
High around 70 degrees

Tomorrow/tomorrow night:

Sleet/Ice
Changing to snow
Heavy accumulations possible
Temps 20's/low 30's

Time to head to the store and stock up on steak and beer. I will likely be staying close to home for a day or two, clearing snow off the BBQ grill and watching movies. (if the power stays on)

Then, maybe I'll take the Hummer out for some fun.

What's the weather like where you live? Are you in the southern hemisphere where summer's on the way? Drop me a comment... I need the entertainment.

Seven hundred thirty days

"With all the talk of blogging, I had to do it."

That's how, for whatever reason, I chose to begin my blog, two years ago, on November 27, 2004.

That may be one of the least creative openings of any blog. I mean Jesus, it makes me want to start over from scratch... but let's not fool ourselves. I've barely found enough BS to fill two years on this blog. I'm sticking with this one, weak start and all.

Over these two years, I've had over 200,000 page views and 107,000 distinct visits. Many come for pictures I've posted, some via search terms like "nubile nymphs" or "Britney Spears boobs." What can I do?

Many are friends stopping in to check on my development as a human being. (I'm pleased to report I'm making progress) Some are unwary "next blog" button pushers.

Whatever your reason for being here, on this occasion I would like to say something from my heart.

Mind your own f*ckin' business!

Kidding.

In honor of this auspicious day, I am treating myself to the traditional second year anniversary gift - cotton. Here's the t-shirt I'm buying myself.

I can hardly wait until next year, when the traditional gift is LEATHER! *evil grin*

Happy Blogiversary to me! If you'd have known, you would have baked a cake. Right?

Thanksgiving outline. You know, so you can be all jealous and shit.

I had a super-amazing, fantastic Thanksgiving! I hope you did too.

Here's a rough outline of my day.

8:00 am - Woke to sunshine in my face after getting to bed about 4 hours earlier. F*ck me.

9:00 am - Got up and took panties off my head. Wondered whose they were. So did Violet. Did I get them during last night's visit to the casino? The bar? The other bar? The third bar? And why do they say "Garanimals" on them?

10:00 am - Arrived at the coffee shop for my traditional morning venti latte with skim milk. Realized that their tradition of being closed on holidays trumps all of my traditions. Goddamn it.

10:10 am - Watched several Tivo Star Trek episodes from TV Land's recent marathon. Fantasized that I was Captain Kirk. Tried to show Violet what I call "the captain's log." Denied again. Sonofabitch.

12:00 pm - showered and prepared myself to meet Vi's family.

2:00 pm - (So it was a long shower. Sue me, it's a freakin' holiday) Arrived at Gramma Wilma's house. Nice house, great spread of food, cozy family atmosphere. Everything a guy could want on a holiday like this. The family's relatively low level of dysfunction made me look like Charlie Manson.

3:00 pm - Played word game called "Catch Phrase." Blurted out inappropriate answers with unacceptable timing and volume. Sealed the family's hatred of me.

6:00 pm - Exited my tryptophan coma, got in the car and drove to Mike and Paula's. Enjoyed more dessert, drank about 12 "Shreks" (50/50 mix of Red Bull and UV Blue Vodka, which makes a most interesting green color and causes you to both buzz and vibrate at the same time) and proceeded to kick everyone's ass in poker. And of course, by "kick everyone's ass," I mean lose my entry fee and drop out early. Chris, you cheating beeotch.

2:00 am - (Hey, it was a long poker game) Sat around as another Thanksgiving passed, talked about how blessed we are to have such amazing friends, and disussed the vacations, camping trips and barbecues we will be enjoying in 2007.

I have so many reasons to be thankful. I can't remember a time in my life that I've been happier. My prayer is that you feel the same.

I have the turkey. Do what I say, or he dies.

My Thanksgiving tradition (if one year equals a tradition)* is to post this picture of Tom. This year, I am adding an element - a prize.

You will need to print it, color it (using the explicit color guide on the picture) and send it in. If you've adequately stayed inside the lines, used standard OSHA quality guidelines for your crayons and taken plenty of artistic liberties (such as adding a penis or moustache) you could be the winner.

Winner will be determined by a monkey with a dart. Winner will receive some bacon and a shoe.


You may choose to scan and email your entry, or simply drop it in the mail. If you don't already know my address, you are not eligible to win, anyway. If you do know it, perhaps you are the sonofabitch who egged my garage door. (prick)

Happy Thanksgiving to all, I hope your day is blessed! Eat. Drink. Puke. Repeat.



*Technically, this is the second time this picture has appeared. Since Violet is making a federal issue about the meaning of "one year" and "tradition," I felt I needed to explain further. You go ahead and fret about it Violet... the rest of us are busy drinking by now! ;)

The Twain says chooo choooo!

A couple of great quotes from a pretty smart man... Shania's Dad, Mark Twain:

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,

he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between

a dog and a man."

And...

"A lie can travel halfways around the world,

while the truth is still putting on its shoes."

I wish I had more time to write this week, but holidays are always crazy in the voice over business! I will be back before Thanksgiving, so don't go too far.

Don't we ALL need a Hummer now and then?

I suppose I need to join a new club.

I've always wanted a Hummer. So the other day, I bought one.

I'm not sure what attracted me, maybe it was the sleek, flowing curvaceous lines. (um, no.) Perhaps it's the blazing speed. (no again) Maybe it's just the fact that it will piss a few people off. (hehe!)

I guess I just want to know that, regardless of the weather, the circumstances, etc., I can always hit the road. I can help a few people out of the ditch. I'm up high enough to see everything that's coming my way. Kick it into low, and there are 600+ horses that can pull you through pretty much anything that gets thrown at you.

Nothing can penetrate the armour... you can't even see in, the windows are completely tinted.

I think we choose our vehicles for reasons that aren't always obvious... but if you analyze deeply enough, maybe it makes sense.

And now, for those of you who've waited for one last look at my taillights on the way out... this one's for you.

Here's That Rainy Day

A song can really set a mood.

A few minutes ago, listening to my iTunes while working, one of my favorite songs cycled through:

Here's that rainy day

They told me about,

And I laughed at the thought

That it might turn out this way...

Funny how love becomes

A cold, rainy day.

Funny,

That rainy day is here.

A look out the window confirmed - it was a cold, rainy day. Strange how music can skew your entire outlook.

So I clicked fast-forward, and the next song on shuffle was "And It Stoned Me," by Van Morrison:

Half a mile from the county fair,

And the rain came pouring down...

Oh, the water...

Hope it don't rain all day.

Fast-forward again, looking for something a little more positive. Next song:

Long as I remember

Rain been comin' down.

Clouds of mystery pourin'

Confusion on the ground.

Good men through the ages

Tryin' to find the sun.

And I wonder, still I wonder,

Who'll stop the rain.

Swear on your mom, all these songs came up on random shuffle, in a row.

I guess some days you just have to accept that rain's gonna fall.

The view out my window today.

(I know you're wondering. The next song that came up as I was writing this, was "The Last Train," by Janis Ian... which isn't ABOUT rain, but 'rain' is part of 'train'. Then, sure enough, "The Rain, The Park and Other Things" by the Cowsills. WTF?)

UPDATE:

Now it's 7 pm, still steadily raining in St. Louis, and I have a fire in my fireplace. Hot tea, candles lit and some Nancy Wilson on the iPod. Soon I will put some bacon-wrapped scallops on the grill. (yes, I'm a REAL griller, not just a fair weather griller)

I snapped a picture of the candles. Looks nice, huh?

Duct Sauce

My mother sent an email this morning with unthinkable news - she used duct tape... on a duct. I've personally never heard of such a thing, but I guess it's possible. I've used it on ducks before, and on pretty much everything else.

But never, EVER on ducts.

---

We can all breathe a sigh of relief - Wal Mart's profits rose 11 percent this quarter.

Whew! I was worried for a while that people would stop patronizing Wal Mart, and begin buying from stores that sold QUALITY stuff. Thank GOD we still want cheap plastic shit, and haven't recognized that paying a little more for good stuff ends up being a more efficient purchase... and is far more satisfying.

---

I saw "A Good Year" and "Stranger Than Fiction" last weekend. Violet and I attended a double feature, with a little mall shopping in between.

I've learned that either I'm just not very picky about movies - or reviewers are way TOO picky.

First, I was worried after reading the reviews of A Good Year, that it sounded like a tired retread of Under the Tuscan Sun. After seeing the movie, I realized that reviewers are pretty out-of-touch. Great flick, even though I don't like Russell Crowe.*

Stranger Than Fiction was a good movie, although just a little slow in places. The reviews were all really positive, so I guess I expected even more. Again, I need to stop reading reviews. All in all, it was a really good flick too. I highly recommend both.

And you should see them with someone at least half as charming, beguiling and sweet as Violet. That made it extra great.

---

I started the process of decorating and painting my downstairs bathroom this week.

I HATE painting... have I ever mentioned that on this blog? I am terrible at it, but one bathroom is hardly worth hiring a painter.

So the room is empty, taped off and ready. Which means I'll probably get around to painting it in about... oh, April.





*He's a jagoff. I met him once in Nashville and he was an arrogant prick. I almost threw a phone in his face.

What was that blur?

I am busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. Today's schedule:

• Early rise, early recording session.
• Trip to the coffee house for life sustaining fluid.
• Go to the bank, make deposit.
• Take the dog to the vet.
• Meet a client at noon.
• Do three major recording sessions starting at 1:30.
• Pay bills.
• Clean up the mess from last night's House, M. D. party. (it appears things got a little out of hand)
• Pick up dog from vet.

Sometime after that:

• Bubble bath.

Yeah, I know how that sounds... but I never said I'd be alone.

100,000 Hits

Soon I will reach the two year mark of this blog. (Nov. 27) With three weeks left in year-two, I just reached 100,000 hits. Yee-freakin'-hawwww!!

I love and appreciate my readers. And also Smarties and Laffy Taffy. And puppies.

Oh, and lobster. But mostly, my readers.

---

Actual exerpt from a conversation:

Person 1 - "You're comparing me to a Cheeto?"

Person 2 - "No [silly]... I'm comparing LOVE to a Cheeto."

---

Question: Which is more romantic?

A - Cheetos and wine coolers.

B - Wine, cheese/crackers.

C - Skip it all and go right to the oral sex.

---

Have a great Monday!

Stardust, Salad and Steve Mays

The Stardust is no more.

Over 48 years ago, it was the world's largest hotel. Soon it will be a pile of dust and debris, with Wayne Newton's hairpiece probably buried somewhere in the middle.

It is sort of romantic to think it was once run by the mob... of course, what Vegas casino wasn't.

Still. Imagine the quiet inside right now. For the first time in 48 years, the place is closed. The hallways are empty. The roulette wheels that haven't stopped once... stand still.

Goodbye old friend.

---


The salad at dinner tonight was made with fresh lettuce, greens, carrots and croutons.

And it was only AFTER finishing it, that I noticed the expiration date on the dressing I was using:

And yet, I was more likely to lose my life by eating the fresh lettuce, than by eating the year-and-a-half expired salad dressing.

Would that be ironic, or simply implausible? Not real sure. But I'm sure tired of having poop in my salad greens.

---

Steve Mays makes a great point about worry in this article.

I find myself anticipating things to worry about. I'm actually worried about things I might worry about IN THE FUTURE. I never used to be that way... which worries me.

"I HATE that Bob Barker..." - Happy Gilmore

So Bob Barker is about to retire. Spay and neuter rates will drop instantly, Johnny Olson's (died in 1985, God rest his soul) contribution to pop culture, "Come On Down!", will pretty much be a thing of the past.

Trivia: Johnny Olson was the first Price is Right announcer until his death in 1985. Then Rod Roddy died in 2003 while he was the show's announcer. There must have been radiation or some sort of poison in the announcer booth at that goddamn show. (Note to self - have my recording booth sanitized, and get a geiger counter.)

Bob Barker is 82, so it's only right that he takes some time to relax and enjoy life. He's been hugged by more women (and has grabbed more handfuls of breasts) than anyone in the history of television.

I won't miss that long pointy microphone he uses, but I WILL miss him. I met him once, he's a really nice guy.

It's okay if the show continues, but I won't be watching.*

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Quote overheard at the table next to me (just now) at the cofffee house:

"I think that is SOOOO hot!"

It's a table of 30-something women in their suburban mommy-wear, sipping coffee.

As a guy, by default and by no choice of my own, I'm interested in hearing what they think is so hot. They begin whispering amongst themselves at a level I can't quite hear. I strain, but... nothing.

Finally one turns to the barista. "Bob, how hot do you make this coffee?"

Boy, that was disappointing.

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I am experiencing PWSD. Post-World Series depression. My team won it all, which was totally sweet. But now, what? No more baseball. Only the hot-stove league.

Ho hum.

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An exerpt of a conversation last night with Violet:

V: "Tomatoes have a lot of antioxidants. So does chocolate."

D: "You know, I never liked my Auntie Oxidant. Uncle Oxidant, well, he was okay."

V: "That was pretty stupid."

D: "Yeah, this whole conversation was an oxidant waiting to happen."

So I looked up "uncle oxidant" on Google. I'm only the second person in the world who has used that phrase. (at least on the internet) "Oxidant waiting to happen" has appeared only FOUR times.

So either I am a genius for being inventive, or an idiot.

I prefer to think I'm an idiot... it draws less attention.

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I am back to blogging. I took some time off to organize my life and get some things accomplished.

Well I suppose I'm a little better organized, but I'm not sure how much I've accomplished. I DID realize that I was happier and felt more productive when I was writing regularly.

So I'm back. Welcome to my life. Sorry about the mess.**



* I always thought those people who bid $1 should be stricken with massive, crippling gas.

** A great song hook by the Well Hungarians. Pretty much sums up my situation.