Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Las Vegas ends late-night wedding-license service

LAS VEGAS, Aug. 30 — Las Vegas bills itself as ''the wedding capital of the world,'' but late-night revelers who decide they want to tie the knot now must wait until morning.
The county's marriage-license office, as of Wednesday, will be closed between midnight and 8 a.m., when much of Las Vegas is still very much alive. (
LINK)


HUH?!?!?!

What kind of politically correct, wussified, cowardly, bullshit-world have we become???*

Las Vegas is the oasis of spice, debauchery and hookers in a figurative desert of sameness, boredom and "righteousness." When I want those things, I go to Iowa.

But Vegas is the place where you can see trannies dance, people puke up their $4.99 lobster dinner because of the free alcohol (oh wait, neither of those things exist anymore - my bad) and idiots on the precipice of insanity take the foolish dive into the hell that IS marriage because they drank too many Jaeger bombs. It's a beautiful thing!

And now it's over?**

Look, I know gambling is a sin. I realize buffet gluttony is an assault against the lord's temple, and yes... I am even aware that prostitution is frowned upon in certain religious circles. But come on! People should be allowed to enter the loving, tender, wonderful institution of late-night, alcohol-induced matrimony when the urge strikes. Make 'em wait until morning, and many of them will lose their buzz, er, gutts, bread tie they were going to use as a temporary wedding band.

I hope the zealots are happy. But in the words of Nathan R. Jessep in A Few Good Men, "All you did was weaken a [city] today. That's all you did. You put people's [marriages] in danger. Sweet dreams [city council]."

What happens in Iowa STAYS in Iowa.

--

*Satire, people. Satire.

**And I haven't even brought up the constant presence of Celine Dion.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Opinions are like a$$holes...

... everyone has one, and they all stink except mine.

In life, I'm a giver. If I have it and someone else NEEDS it, it's yours. I have a pickup truck, which is what real givers drive. Everybody needs a friend with a pickup.

I'm also an occasional borrower. I never borrow money, but I do occasionally borrow equipment, sugar, laundry detergent or a phone.

In this post, I am borrowing a concept from Lightning Bug's Butt, a brilliant blogger in my circle of cyber-friends. I'm not borrowing it directly, but sort of expounding on it.

Bug did an entry recently called "I Believe." It's a chance for people to leave a comment about something they believe in. Pretty simple, and really interesting.

Here's where I am borrowing: I am going to anonymously feature a few of the comments he got, and allow you to either agree or disagree, and say why. Be funny, tongue-in-cheek, whatever. Just try to be respectful. Sort of a point/counterpoint, minus Jane The Ignorant Slut. Remember, this is all about your comments, so leave one if you can.


Belief 1: I believe it's bullshit that "Christmas" has become a four-letter word. The word Christmas is purposely replaced with "holiday" everywhere it used to appear, but you can sure as hell recognize the holidays, customs and beliefs of every other religion, ethnicity and person of the world -- and are expected to. Fuck that, and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Belief 2: I believe that schools should bring back discipline. I never would have dreamed to talk to my teacher the way some kids do.

Belief 3: I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I'm not sure if there is a higher power around it or if it's just the natural order of things. Even if it's something horrible..it was something that was supposed to happen. Sometimes we can't see the truth until the fog or dust settles.

Belief 4: I believe that Ron Popeill's Showtime rotisserie works. Works damn well.

Belief 5: I believe that any mom who says "I HAVE to work" is wrong...staying at home with your kids and giving them a firm foundation is WORK in and of itself. You CHOOSE to work, because of the lifestyle you choose.

Belief 6: I believe that God should be put back in the Pledge of Allegiance and in schools.

Belief 7: I believe I should be able to eat, drink, or smoke whatever the fuck I want to, and if you don't like it, it's none of your business. I believe that people who attempt to control under the guise of altruism (i.e., "I'm concerned for your health" or "it's for the children") are the biggest hypocrites on the face of the earth.

Belief 8; I believe I am sick and tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.

Belief 9: I believe that kids are really spoiled these days and that parents should spend more time putting their foot up their bratty asses.

Belief 10: Women claim to want all the power, but they already have it but instead of admiting to it...much like the devil's greatest trick which is fooling people into thinking he never existed, women pretend they're under the control of men so they don't have to take the blame for everything. Typical. Women act as though men are animals only wanting them for their bodies, yet they brag about how tight their jeans are.

Belief 11: I believe that prayer is a great way for people to meditate and organize their thoughts and priorities, that there is a greater power than ourselves, but that nobody is listening or paying attention to us here. There is NO explanation that I can accept as to how a "Loving, Attentive God" let's babies starve to death while flies lay eggs in their eyes.
If any of this makes you feel like gouging your eyes out, here's your chance to say so. Pick a subject and opine. Anonymous posts are fine, if you need that.

Last one to comment is a rotten egg!

Monday, August 28, 2006

In the words of Charlie Brown...

Aaaaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!*

People actually believe the things they get in their email boxes. For instance: (cut/pasted from an actual forwarded email I received this morning)

> When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got
> the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
>
> What is greater than God, More evil than the devil,
> The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?
>
> Send this to 10 people and then press shift and you
> will get the answer.
>
> P.S. You won't believe this, but this really does
> give you the answer!!!!

Obviously the answer is "nothing." But it perturbs me that people believe the answer will appear on your screen when you forward this to 10 people.

Hint: of course it doesn't work so stop forwarding it!!!! This is why the internet is so congested. Oh, and because of bloggers. (gulp) Sorry.



*Other interesting Charlie Brown quotes:

“In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.”

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”

“There are three things in life that people like to stare at: a flowing stream, a crackling fire and a Zamboni clearing the ice.”

"I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time.”

“If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak.”

But my favorite one is probably still "Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!"

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Friday, August 25, 2006

Why

Why is the plural of medley actually 'medleys...' but the singular of calories is 'calorie?' Who came up with these spellings, a third grader?

---

Why don't speeding tickets come with two check boxes -

A: You speed, you pay a small fine.
B: You "buy down" the speeding to a non-moving violation and pay a larger fine.

We could totally take those miscreant attorneys (and why isn't it spelled 'attornies'?) out of the equation and leave them to deal with the REAL issues... like frivolous misuse of the court system by gold-digging former spouses.

---

Why doesn't Google stop hosting Blogger on a Dell laptop with a flaming battery? Blogger SUCKS. I'm not even sure if what I'm writing now will even get published. And frankly, maybe that would be for the best.

---


Why would they even need to say that Pluto is not a planet? Hello?!? How obvious!

Next, they will feel the need to say that Donald Duck isn't a cherry-limeade from Sonic. Duh, he's a duck.



---

Why can't they come up with a more creative name for an orange? Who even thought of naming a fruit after its color?

We never say "I love to drink 'purple' juice." Or, "hey, that 'yellow' is shaped like a penis." No, of course not.

New name for an orange: boobfruit. Most of them are about that size. (but hopefully not that color)

---

Why do I continue blogging, when I can't come up with anything more creative than this shit?

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Announcement

And the winner of the caption contest below, and recipient of the big, red, spicy, pickled weiner from the huge jar by the cash register of the Dew Drop Inn and Cantina just outside of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma is...

NUGGET MAVEN!

The winning entry: "Don't jerk and drive." Simple, funny, perfect.

Maven, you'll need to drive to Broken Arrow to claim your award, which I'm sure is no problem, considering it's quite the sizeable weiner.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

$8.50

That's how much it cost to watch one of the cheesiest, most predictable movies I've ever seen. It was SO bad, it HAD to be intentional - if not, wow.

Snakes on a Plane.

Yeah, I succumbed to the hype.

Samuel L. Jackson is a master thespian, as far as B actors are concerned. During the course of the movie, I found myself laughing when nothing was supposed to be funny. People died, I guffawed. As snakes climbed down people's windpipes, or bit guys on the end of their peni, (is that plural for penis?) I could do little more than giggle. The gratuitous sex scene (mile high club, of course) included a snake biting a girl on the boob. (naturally) I kept expecting Jackson to go down into the cargo hold and discover a cage full of mongeese, (plural for mongooses?) which would lay waste to the reptilian marauders. No, instead...

(spoiler alert)

He tied everyone down to their seats, then shot out the plane windows to suck out the snakes.

Then, after both pilots died, (how predictable is that?) a passenger landed the plane based on his experience with a Sony Playstation.

I've had it with these MF-ing bad movies in our MF-ing theaters. I wonder what else I could have bought for $8.50.

Click here, it's a personalized message from Samuel L. Jackson to me. I feel so very special.

You can personalize and send one (via email or phone call) to whomever you want. Just go to www.snakesonaplane.com.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Fest your eyes on this

The packaging of artists and festivalizing of concert tours has simply gotten out of hand.

The originator and mack daddy of them all was, of course, Woodstock. I'm okay with that one, the Woodstock people were innovators. Plus, they came up with many new procedures for administering hallucinogenic drugs that are still bellwethers in the field of recreational pharmaceuticals.

But since then, we've seen a ridiculous littany of other "fests" that run the concept further into the ground than Bin Laden when he hears helicopters. Lollapalooza, Lilith Fair, Y'allapalooza (the country version) and a myriad of other "fests" make me feel like releasing moles onto the "festival-seating" lawns of every ampitheater I can find.

It's just an excuse to charge a goddamn fortune to see a concert. Pair up two or more artists and it's okay to charge $150 a ticket, $12 to park and NINE dollars for a beer because just LOOK at how many people are on that stage. Don't worry that you end up having time for only medleys of their big hits, and it takes two hours to change the stage for each act.

If we're going to continue this irritating trend of festivalizing concerts, let me suggest some artist combos that would make sense.

James Blunt/John Mayer/Art Garfunkel (for retro effect) in "Spineless-Wuss Fest."

Alanis Morissette/Sarah McLachlan/Jewel in "Bitter-Sad-Suspected-Lesbian Fest." (which is really just a ripoff of Lilith Fair)

Elton John/Boy George/George Michael/Lance Bass in "Obvious Fest."

Dixie Chicks/Barbra Streisand in "Please-Shut-The-Fuck-Up-and-Sing Fest."

Journey/Pure Prairie League/Firefall/Atlanta Rhythm Section in "Only-One-Original-Member-Left-In-The-Band-But-We-Still-Pretend-We're-Worth-Paying-To-See Fest."

When I start seeing a little realism in these shows, maybe I start going. Until then, I'll put my Lollapa-ipod on shuffle. It's cheaper.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Caption Contest

Winner gets one of those big, red, spicy, pickled weiners from the huge jar by the cash register of the Dew Drop Inn and Cantina just outside of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma.



Let the games begin.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Gouge, George

I'm not entirely sure, but I think America is one of the few places in the world where you have to pay for things you don't use.

As I was talking recently about my cell phone situation, I realized that these companies are signing you up for 1 and 2 YEARS, and charging you a monthly rate even if you never use your phone. Then, if you desire to turn the phone off during that "contract" period, you are charged a hefty cancellation fee.

Same thing with tanning beds, gyms, etc. Their scam is to sign you up and charge your credit card every month, even if you haven't been in for weeks... or, in my case with the gym, months. Cancellation is possible, but you have to write a letter and mail it to the company. Then, probably about 30 percent of the time (according to friends who have done it) they "lose" the letter or claim to have never received it.

The problem is, we allow it. We sign up, we pay, and we don't complain. If we were smart, we'd draw the line and tell companies to shove it deep. As soon as my cell contracts are up, I think I will do pay-as-you-go. Likewise with my gym, I'd like to find a place that allows you to pay as you use it... even if, you know, you hardly ever use it. (Dr. Mike, you bastard, we need to get back to the gym. Stop making lame excuses like "my wife just had a baby.")

Are companies allowed to do this sort of thing in Europe? Asia? I'd like to know.
_____

Something does my heart good to see Boy George cleaning the streets of Manhattan. I'm not sure why I enjoyed this story - he seems to be an OK sort of person. I just guess it's human nature to find enjoyment in the misfortune of the famous. Especially when they have a british accent.*

Why do we get particular amusement out of seeing a famous person arrested? (Martha Stewart is a great example) I suppose it might have something to do with the fact that they are so often treated differently because of their fame or notoriety. I'll bet Letterman gets out of more traffic tickets than I ever dreamed of. I am SURE Paris Hilton never has to wait in line to get into a night club. I'm positive Rosie O'Donnell gets extra butter on her popcorn at the theater. (at least it appears she does)

So when any of these types have to pay some sort of price for something they've done, we revel in it. We celebrate it, if in no other way than to get a warm feeling seeing Boy George holding a plastic garbage bag.


*Why is it more satisfying when they have the british accent? Because they always sound just a bit condescending? Also, (and I don't mean this the way it will inevitably sound) does anyone else find it freaky to listen to a black person with a british accent? It just totally throws me off.

Unlikely phrase

"Someone Dave considers a friend is actually successful."

I tend to hang with people more like me - they muddle through, have no idea where tomorrow's meal is coming from, and generally love misery. I'm putting a stop to this trend posthaste and forthwith. And herein. Whatever.

Lightning Bug's Butt is a published author!

He has always been my favorite blogger, not to mention the subject of a horrible and unattractive jealous streak I don't often experience. But alas, I'm happy to hawk his new book on these meager pages, so that you too can experience the magic that IS "Alpha Johnson..." his pen name... which loosely translated, means "a dick."

To read a synopsis of his writing and order his book, click here. Don't get me wrong, I'm only helping myself, since the better my friends look, the better I look.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Weekend Poetry

Whispers

If you really listen,
You can hear
Whispers on the wind.

As a child,
I perceived it as
Little more than
The rustle of leaves
Or the quiet sigh of
A bird’s wing.

Now,
I hear.

Life speaks to us,
Its lessons sometimes
Bold and brash…
Others times,
Soft,
Quiet,
Gently hidden in the
Bustle of our lives
Like a vague,
Distant,
Haunting harmony.

You just
Have to listen.

Dave Morris, August 2006

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Cell Hell*

The packages, phones and benefits of the major cell phone companies wax and wane more than Anna Nichole Smith's quest for dignity.

At this point in my life, I've been with all of the major cell companies at least once, some more. Every year or so, a company will upgrade their system, launch faster data services, better airtime packages, improve customer service, or merge with another company... briefly making it the best option for cell service. Then, the need to compete dictates changes at another company, and it's THEIR turn in the spotlight. These changes are as predictable as the phases of the moon and Floyd Landis' steroid excuses.

Right now, here is my situation regarding cellular:

Cingular - main cell phone, laptop data card, TREO PDA. (which sucks ASS, but I haven't cancelled the service yet)

Sprint - New PDA, daughter's cell phone.

Verizon - Built-in car phone. (which is simply a backup to the satellite phone that is also installed in the car) (yes, BMW frequently commits "overkill" with their connectivity efforts)

Bottom line... I have contracts with THREE different cell companies. Total monthly expenditure, $350. Once I cancel the extraneous PDA with Cingular, that figure will drop significantly.

As I was searching for a birthday present for my 17-year-old daughter, I first went to Cingular. They host my main cell number and I find their signal to be HIGHLY reliable. That was the extent of my positive experience... their phone selection sucked. Also, their "roll-over" plan is just advertising BS, you'll never really use the minutes and you LOSE them if you ever change your plan. Also, I've accumulated 9000 roll-over minutes, but they won't let me share them with anyone. Their customer service guy had no idea what he was doing, and had to call his supervisor four times. Screw you, Cingular. I left.

Then I went to Verizon. Customer service at the store REEKED, their selection of phones was better than Cingular, but still not good, and their signal has always given me fits. Those shortfalls reinforced the wisdom of a quick exit.

Third stop, Sprint. Nice set-up in the store, not a REAL long wait for service, and the selection of phones is pretty good. They have FREE incoming calls on some of their packages, you can choose your "off-peak" time, (7 or 9 pm) and Sprint-to-Sprint is unlimited, with a small upcharge. It definitely made the most sense for my daughter's needs, and although their signal is less reliable than either Verizon or Cingular, it still beats T-Mobile, US Cellular and the various little guys. I decided Sprint gets my business this time.

She loves her new (pink) phone. Since incoming calls are free, Dad will be keeping very close tabs on her whereabouts. But at dinner, she said something that is still ringing in my head. "Hey, the phone was only 40 bucks, you got off pretty easy on my birthday present."

I took a moment to reflect on that statement, waved away the smoke that had begun coming out of my ears, and collected my thoughts. (and did the math) "You mean one THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED dollars?"

Kids these days. They believe cell phone service is free. I felt this was a good time to outline the Rules Of The Phone. NO overages, she must get a job by October 8 (two months) and has to start paying her own cell bill within one year.

She gave me a look as if I had eaten a baby, then reluctantly agreed.


* I've had the same cell number for several years. I will likely never change it, thanks to number-porting... but the cell companies are hereby on notice: Be nice to me, or I will drop you like a... an... um... something, you know, that you drop.

Monday, August 07, 2006

When good cops go bad

There are few subjects upon which I can opine with such confidence, knowing there are few in this world who are more expert.

We all love police officers when they're writing a ticket to the jackass that just cut us off in traffic. But the feelings quickly change when the flashing lights are in our OWN rear view mirror.

I found an article on the net which outlines etiquette for a traffic stop. It supposedly provides guidelines which may help get you a warning instead of a ticket. Here are the article's main points, followed by my own thoughts on the subject.

1 - Pull over as soon as possible. As soon as you even think that you might be the one that the highway patrol car is after, pull over.
As soon as you've emptied the beer can into the floorboard completely, hidden your bong and managed to find the seatbelt, pull over. This may take a few blocks, but you can always say you thought he was after someone else, because as far as you can see, you weren't doing anything wrong.

2 - Always pull over on the right side of the roadway. On divided highways, signal and safely move over to the far right lane, and then to the shoulder.
Stop right there in the traffic lane. If you're going to get a ticket for going five over, screw it... the other motorists can suffer along with you. I see this happen all the time, and while I know it's not safe, there's a little part of me that snickers.

3 - Know where your paperwork is. Normally, when a police officer first pulls you over, he/she will ask for your license, registration, and insurance. If you're not well organized and keep the officer waiting while you dig through your possessions, the officer may be less likely to sympathize.
Take your sweet time. You're getting a ticket anyway. Might as well make sure that the fine you will pay equals the amount of time it took the nice officer to charge your ass with the offense. In fact, while you're digging around, make small talk about the community's Police Chief and what an asshole he is. This may be the quickest, easiest way to earn the officer's favor.

Oh, and when's the last time you ever showed your "registration?" They NEVER ask for that.

4 - Make the officer feel safe. Turn your dome light on at night. Always keep your hands in plain sight. Don't make any sudden movements. Roll your window down all the way. Stay in the car.
Get right out of the car when you're stopped. That way, technically there's no way he can prove you were even the driver. Besides, I'm sure he wants to know you aren't going to pull a firearm out of the glove box... and from outside the car, there's little chance of that happening. This will make the officer feel even safer.

5 - Let the cop talk first. Don't blurt out things that could incriminate you. Keep your calm, even if you're upset about being stopped. Don't volunteer information, like how fast you thought you were going. The officer may not be pulling you over for what you think he is.
Whatever! C'mon, you know why the officer is pulling you over. Blurt out "Wow, you must be really bored!" This will make the officer feel inadequate, and send a clear message that he's made a judgment error by pulling you over. It's a psychological ploy that will work in your favor, trust me.

Throw in a comment or two about donuts, then ask for his badge number. Do all of this in a thick irish accent. If none of this works, ask something like "Isn't there a funeral procession somewhere that you're supposed to be working?"

6 - Don't argue with the cop. Challenging the officer is a recipe for disaster, and likely means that you will be written up for the full offense and the officer will be less likely to opt for a compromise in court.
This is silly. It never hurts to have a lively debate. Most of our problems as a country, a society and a species have been solved in this manner.

Make sure the officer knows that you were just going with the flow of traffic, that the guy in front of you had just passed you so HE'S the one who should get a ticket... and that it's stupid to have such a low speed limit in this area anyway. How ELSE will the officer know he's made a mistake?

Also, if you're the opposite sex, this may be the time to play the "oral sex" card.

_____

If you follow the advice from the internet piece, sure - you might get out of a ticket or two... but you'll really look like a wuss. Trust me, my way is more fun.

I should point out that if the officer is a female, all bets are off... you will get a ticket.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Friday Quotables*

This morning's subtle, yet crystal clear reminder about life, courtesy of my Quickbooks program:

"You can't print blank checks."
Yeah, no shit. Thanks...
_____

Words to live by, from country singer Gary Allan:

"Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."

Truer words? I can't remember any.
_____

Calvin Coolidge:

"If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that
nine will run into the ditch before they reach you."
Oh, how I pray for those ditches.
_____

Symbolism, courtesy of the Missouri Department of Transportation:
"Construction next 20 miles."

Then I glance at the thermometer - 101 degrees. Ain't that always the way it is?
_____

Roman philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca:

“I persist on praising not the life I lead, but that which I
ought to lead. I follow it at a mighty distance, crawling.”

Here, here.


Have a nice day!

*These may help you through the weekend, or at least give you
something to ponder. Sheesh! The things I do for you!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

The 90's called...

... they want their insults back.

I was surfing along on a message board today, and found that people are STILL using the tired cliché, "the _________ called, he/she/it wants his/her/its __________ back."

Oh don't get me wrong, I've used the shit out of that phrase... it was a good and fairly hurtful insult for a long time. For instance: "Goodwill called, and they want their couch back." (bad tie reference) Or, "Some clowns called and want their car back." (Ford Festiva reference) But the point is, I used it in the early 90's.

Am I all wrong here? Is it still a timely, valid, effective insult? Please feel free to opine, and also leave your favorite one - because if it's still usable, I'm going to get back on this horse for a while.

Or, feel free to share other outdated clichés you've heard lately.

By the way, is that a cell phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? (that is sooo early 40's)

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Oh good, I'm just like Tupac

What city are you???

I've taken the ultimate test, (five whole questions) churned the numbers, (let the website churn the numbers) given it a lot of thought (no thought whatsoever) and come up with these results:


You Are New York

Cosmopolitan and sophisticated, you enjoy the newest in food, art, and culture.
You also appreciate a good amount of grit - and very little shocks you.
You're competitive, driven, and very likely to succeed.

Famous people from New York: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Tupac Shakur, Woody Allen



PS - of ALL the famous people from New York, could they not have given better examples than Gellar, Tupac and Woody Allen???

For instance, Bea Arthur is from NY. So is Al Capone, Vin Deisel, Harvey Fierstein and Art Garfunkel! (okay, maybe their list was better) Oh, and Scarlett Johansson.

Go ahead and take the test - it requires 30 seconds. What, are you that busy?