Thursday, June 30, 2005

Baseball and breakfast

The only difference between a normal marriage and a separated one is... when you end up drinking all evening and coming home sorta hungry and with the head spins and making an omelette with ham, onions, mushrooms and cheese at 12:30 am while listening to Sinatra and Ella... you do it alone.

But this goddamn omelette is delicious.


This is my friend Greg "Birdman" Wilson, (left) who turned 41 tonight. I took him to a Cardinals game, which we won 11-3. We exhibited our massive knowledge of the game of baseball by drinking.









There is most definitely something special about a night at the ball park, with the lights, the game and the suspense. And the Bud Light guy who came around regularly to make sure we were properly nourished. It was 93 degrees at game-time. Drinking was a dehydration-prevention safety procedure at that point.








I won't lie to you, we got fairly trashed. Afterward, we went to what could only be described as "college girl night" at Harpo's in Chesterfield. It made me feel old.









Happy birthday Birdman. I'm tipping up a steaming mug of coffee to you tonight, while I enjoy this drunken omelette and Sinatra music.

I'm on holiday for a few days. I am not leaving town, so I will most likely continue blogging during my time off. Sorry, no break for you!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Freedom, free frijoles, french fries and a freakin' genius idea



I never thought I'd get tired of the word FREEDOM, but between "W" and congress, the term has been driven into the ground to the point that it has lost it's meaning. Sort of like saying "I love you" to someone 20 times a day... after awhile the person doesn't even hear it anymore...

So the name of the new building to be erected at ground zero, the FREEDOM TOWER, already sounds cheesy to me. The artist rendering looks spectacular, and the building will definitely make a statement to our citizens and our detractors/ enemies.

But that name...

The enemy doesn't hate us for our freedom, as George W. Bush is fond of saying. They hate us for our PRESENCE in other parts of the world where they feel we don't belong. They hate us for ISRAEL, and they hate us because they feel they are under seige from the modern world and the U.S. embodies and symbolizes that world.

So maybe it should be called the MODERN, ISRAEL-LOVING, WE'LL GO ANYWHERE WE BY-GOD WANT Tower. That'll show 'em.

____________________


Tom Cruise went ape-shit on Matt Lauer recently and has been in all the headlines regarding his rant. You HAVE to believe Cruise knows he made a fool of himself.

Especially when even Rosie O'Donnell is shutting him down. Now THAT, my friends, says you've made a fool of yourself.

I'm actually excited about seeing "War of the Worlds" this weekend... I've heard good reviews. Obviously I'm a little cold on Cruise right now, and I have a friend who refuses to see the movie because she would be supporting his efforts, but I will still pay the price and see the flick. I'll let you know how it was.

____________________


Random thought: There must be an unseen and not-yet-discovered force that pulls dropped french fries (or should I call them FREEDOM fries) into that crack between your car seat and the console, from which they are nearly impossible to retrieve.

____________________


I can see clearly now...

Apparently Pfizer thinks Viagra does not contribute to blindness, although it will change the label to include a warning. I'm confused, why would they change the label then?

____________________


Random thought: The energy required to argue about doing something is almost always greater than the energy it would require to just do it.

____________________

















Random picture, because I can. My dog Regis.

____________________


Random Thought: Since we've already activated half of our military and we're spending money hand-over-fist, let's put the other half to work closer to home. I suggest we invade and conquer Mexico.

Think of it, illegal immigration would be a thing of the past... no more border problems. We would own Cabo, Cozumel, Puerto Vallarta, Tijuana. (well, maybe we'll leave Tijuana as it's own soveriegn nation) We'd have all the free tacos we wanted (mmm, tacos) and Vincente Fox could be my new pool boy. No more being frisked by customs agents after vacation, and we could do something about that water problem so I won't get explosive diarrhea every goddamn trip.



***

Monday, June 27, 2005

Life of a Dog




If you like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, you have to click this link... it's a pretty long movie clip featuring Triumph interviewing fans at the Michael Jackson trial. It pretty much requires a high speed connection.

I nearly crapped my pants.

Triumph Movie

Funny. Damn. Shit.


This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Click the image to see a better view. I apologize in advance to PETA, animal lovers in general and my son's hamster Frosty.


My thanks to Anonymous Midwest Girl for letting me borrow this, I'm not sure where she got it.

This could be HUGE

... and I felt it deserved a post of it's own.

Common Non-Disease-Causing Virus Kills Cancer Cells

A discovery was made recently that could mean BIG headway in the fight against many forms of cancer. Read the story, it will fill you in on details.

This is also another feather in the cap of data analysis. The hint for this discovery was gleaned from statistics which, prior to now, probably would have taken years to interpret. Heavy duty computers with extensive data-crunching capabilities are really helping out in the medical field.


Other Googled articles


***

Monday Miscellany

Cop fires into a car in self defense, finds kids inside.


The deputies discovered the driver was a 12-year-old girl when they broke a passenger-side window to get in, Shanley said. Her 6-year-old brother was also inside. The girl was charged with attempted murder, auto theft, driving without a license and other counts. Hillsgrove was placed on administrative leave pending an investigation.

Kids are getting bolder and braver these days. Could it possibly have anything to do with video games like "Grand Theft Auto?" (a game my son desperately wants - and which features hookers and killin'. He ain't getting it) Screen shot, yo.

____________________


Mmmmm, tourists!

A couple of campers were killed by a Grizzly over the weekend. The bear was killed back, so nyah nyah.

Sleep out there with the bears and this might happen! No different than:


Mmmmm, swimmers!

"I see a fin and a blood pool in the water," he said.

Sharks are predators, just like Grizzly bears. If you're going to swim with the sharks, you might get bitten.

Yet, I can already imagine this girl's parents suing the city of Destin for not having lifeguards.

____________________


So much for the idea that "Iranians want reform and democracy." I've heard that statement bantied about recently among scholars and politicians... and I've been skeptical. Damn, I hate always being right.

____________________


Over the weekend I learned again to never count your chickens before they hatch.

We had a couple who was absolutely ready to make an offer on our house - and then went cold, decided to fly to Vegas and sleep on it. Another couple came back for a second look and is now really hot on it, so I sit tight.

I hate waiting for the phone to ring.


***

Saturday, June 25, 2005

My weekend horrorscope translation

As I occasionally do, (usually when I can't think of a THING to write about) I have translated my weekend horoscope from what it says to what it might actually mean.

It SAYS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) A partner might not be reliable or might do a reversal, so you must carry the ball. Use your frustration to motivate yourself and to accomplish what you need to get done. A serious but caring talk clears the air. Tonight: Leader of the gang.


It likely MEANS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) When you paid the 200 bucks to the girl on the street, you didn’t anticipate she was a wacker-tucker. Since you can’t see yourself as that desperate yet, just go home and do what you usually do. Learn from the experience with the shemale and develop a simple, verbal test to establish the sex of the party – such as asking if a bottle of Corona has a twist-off top. Mostly only guys know that. A heart-to-heart chat with your attorney will clarify your likelihood of a plea bargain on your “medical marijuana” matter. Tonight: Pull a train.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Friday thoughts, prognostications, anecdotes

Somehow I knew that solar-sail space vehicle would fail.

First, it was fired from a Russian submarine in the Barents sea. Russian subs NEVER have luck in the Barents, do they?

Second, it was only 4 million dollars. I know that sounds pretentious or space-snobbish, but if you had to drive a car all the way around the world, you wouldn't choose a KIA, would you?

Third, it was fired from a SUBMARINE. No good space mission should be fired from a submarine. A HUGE rocket pad with lots of spotlights, journalists and a buffet of appetizers... THAT'S how a good space mission should start. And with that guy on the loudspeakers saying "10... 9... 8..."
____________________

Those goddamn chickenshit suicide c**ksuckers.
____________________

NHL Hockey Team For Sale: price includes heavy fan apathy, deep debt and huge contract obligations to a bunch of arrogant athletes who believe they play for the NFL.
____________________

Yahoo! has decided to close down it's chat rooms. At least MOST of them. And with rooms titled "Girls 13 And Under For Older Guys” and “Girls 8 to 13 Watch Boys,” it was becoming a PR nightmare. I wonder what took them so long...

Oh, I see. The rooms were closed after advertisers started DROPPING THEIR ADS?

I wonder why it takes an impact to their bottom line before some companies do the right thing. This was such an obvious decision... yet it wasn't made until now.
____________________

We're having a heat-wave in the midwest, so I will spend a big part of the day in the pool.* Have a nice Friday!



* a complete lie, I have a TON of work today and it won't get done lying on a raft with a margarita.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Interactive query

No matter if you believe in a higher power, I think we all would like to know there's someone (something?) "up there" with answers we cannot get through the blurry prisms of our current science or religion.

As I was doing morning chores today, listening to "Desdemona's Building A Rocketship" by Buffett on the patio speakers, it occured to me that I have questions. A few of them:

1 - Does our Sun appear on a star map anywhere else in our galaxy?

2 - Are human beings really the most intelligent species on Earth?

3 - Did I really have a shot with Nan Young in 4th grade, or was she "in training?"

4 - Who killed JFK?

5 - (click "comment" and add your own)


Give it a little thought and contribute... or provide answers if you think you have them.

Check back often, because if God is surfing and somehow lands on my site today, my faithful readers may be the only ones who will find real truth.

And I won't tell a soul. It'll be just you 'n me.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I really need to get a life

I'm experiencing another morning of self-disgust, as I list more things I have never done. What the hell is wrong with me?

I've never:

22 – checked a homeless guy for ticks.

23 – thrown anything that was alive into the face of an octogenarian who was sitting Indian-style and typing.

24 – Given the current time to the offspring of a public official while buffing my shoes with heavy whipping cream.

25 – Bangladeshi macramé with anyone named Mildred.

26 – Swam with beavers toward the light of a camp full of accountants who had evil intentions.

27 – Shirked my responsibility regarding any type of brick-laying.

28 – Given syrup of ipecac to a hyena, then laughed and laughed and laughed as it recited haiku using the voice of Kate Hudson.

29 – Written my name in snow with not-yet-congealed pineapple jello.

30 – Prostate surgery. (that one’s for you, Hoss)

31 – Given in to the teachings of a tribe of manipulative yet fairly reasonable blacksmiths, each named Ed.

***

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Wiki Wiki, Water Guns & Other Worlds

The Los Angeles Times has suspended something called 'wikitorials,' just three days after they began.

“Wikis,” based on the Hawaiian word “wiki wiki” for “quick,” are online communities that encourage users to collectively write and edit articles, and even override and delete other contributors’ work. The end product can be thought of as a community’s shared knowledge.


They had to suspend the feature because some wacked out readers inundated the site with pornography, foul language and inappropriate links.

Makes me suspicious of Latigo Flint - he's in L-A, and I understand he spent the weekend on one of his kerosene benders.
____________________

J'ai décidé d'écrire une poste entièrement en français, et voir si n'importe qui peut le traduire et a mis l'a pour résultat la section de commentaires. Je me demande s'il travaillera. Oui, je me demande.
____________________

Sailing, sailing...

If all goes as planned, Cosmos 1 was to be launched early Tuesday afternoon, California time, and carried into Earth's orbit by a converted intercontinental ballistic missile, according to the Planetary Society, which is undertaking the nearly $4 million experiment.


Okay, only a sail. No rockets, thrusters or fuel. Should be interesting.
____________________

Why you little SQUIRT!

Tom Cruise found himself the victim of a childish prank pulled by a so-called comedy team working for Britain's Channel 4 television station.


I do not support this kind of... er, well, I ... no, no, NO! I am NOT secretly glad to have seen this happen.

Absolutely NOT!

***

Monday, June 20, 2005

LOL

The Aurora Borealis, crop circles and the mass extinction of dinosaurs 65 million years ago are more easily explained than the phenomenon of instant messaging.

My kids can be next door to a friend and, instead of walking outside and talking over the fence (oooh that sun is sooo hot!) they'll sit and chat for hours via IM.

For hours. TO THE KID NEXT DOOR.

Instead of picking up the phone and holding a conversation that would only take a minute or two, some choose to type into a cold unfeeling computer program which whisks each message across the 'net to a similar window - at the same time stripping every bit of emotion, nuance and meaning out of it. And all the smiley faces in the world won't truly convey the message or emotion of the spoken word. That's why we're always mad at each other... we depend too much on email and IM.

For example, the following sentence can be taken a number of ways:

"How many times has he told you about fixating on sheep?"

First it could be asking how MANY times. Or, how many times has HE told you. Or, how many times has he told YOU. Or, about FIXATING on sheep. Or, fixating on SHEEP.

A simple sentence can mean so many things, and a phone call would make the message crystal clear... that you are wasting your time on sheep when goats are perfect replacements. Yet, we continue to be confused, pissed, slightly perturbed or bewildered by things we should be informed, enlightened and clear about.

Within that same realm, I am growing tired of terms like LOL. It's used far too often at inappropriate times. People, look... LOL means "Laugh Out Loud." If you don't laugh out loud, don't type LOL! Okay?

ROFLMAO means "Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off." Don't you agree that it would be difficult to reach the keyboard from the floor? So in reality, you weren't rolling anywhere, were you?

I suggest new, more appropriate acronyms:

CHUCKLE - Chuckle
STHWWS - Slight Tee Hee With Wry Smile
IFWYJSPFA - I Found What You Just Said Pretty Freaking Amusing (substitute the F if you wish)
OTWFIAPSOW - Okay That Was Funny In A Perverse Sort Of Way
TMPSOOMN - That Made Pepsi Shoot Out Of My Nose
YMMLSHITUAL - You Made Me Laugh So Hard I Threw Up A Little

Sure, it will take longer to type these, but at least you won't be deceptive. I want real honesty in the IM's. Not LOL. Never again LOL. And NO MORE SMILEY FACES!

:-)

***

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Sunday Morning Comin' Down

Well I woke up sunday morning
With no way to hold my head that didn’t hurt
And the beer I had for breakfast
Wasn’t bad so I had one more for dessert
Then I fumbled through my closet for my clothes
And found my cleanest dirty shirt
And I shaved my face and combed my hair
And stumbled down the stairs to meet the day
I’d smoked my brain the night before
With cigarettes and songs that I’ve been pickin’
But I lit my first and watched a small kid
Cussin’ at a can that he was kicking
Then I crossed the empty street
And caught the sunday smell of someone fryin’ chicken
And Lord it took me back to somethin’
That I’d lost somewhere somehow along the way
On the sunday morning sidewalk
I'm wishing lord that I was stoned
’cause there is something in a sunday
That makes a body feel alone
And there’s nothin’ short of dyin’
Half as lonesome as the sound
Of the sleepin’ city sidewalk
And Sunday mornin’ comin’ down.


Kristofferson is a genius who has a way of nailing an emotion.


***

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Greeting Cards

As I was choosing a Father's Day card a few days ago, it hit me - I've found my next fortune, dysfunctional greeting cards.

I rushed home and began writing furiously. I expect to receive the call from Hallmark any day now. I can't share much, I don't want my ideas plagarized, but I will give you a few timely examples.

Father's Day:

1 - Dad, I love you and all but I can’t say you raised me, helped me learn to play catch, taught me to shave or any of those other Dad-ish things since we only met a few years ago... so thanks for your recent portfolio advice and thoughts on my impending retirement. Happy Father's Day!

2 - Mom, I'm sending this card to you since you've managed to burn through so many husbands I have no idea how to contact any of them. Happy Father's Day, Mom!

3 - You raised me and you're an ass... but I still LOVE you! Happy Father's Day!

4 - To whom, thanks for the teddy bear I received in the mail last April. Happy Paternity Day!

Mother's Day:

1 - Mom, you've caused me to fear even the smallest things and my life's a shambles. Thanks for the lifelong prescription of Paxil! Happy Mother's Day!

2 - Mother, the way you dominated and brow-beat Dad all these years has inspired me. I hope you enjoy this card that I made Harold pick out for you. Happy Mother's Day!

3 - Maternal entity, thanks for having the good sense to let my Grandparents raise me. I hope you work through your issues! Happy Mother's Day.

The next time you hear from me, I will be rich beyond my wildest dreams. Hallmark is based in Kansas City, perhaps I should go ahead and move.


***

Friday, June 17, 2005

Tivo, Sinking Sand, Splitting States, Idiots, iPods and A New Tax

When you pay 8 bucks a month for a warranty... and something goes out... you expect to get a new one.

About 10 months ago I bought one of these High Def Tivos from DirecTV. Great picture, worked well, no troubles. Until a month ago, when it started pixelating and freezing up. So I requested a service guy, and it took them three visits to finally say "we'll send you a new one."

I got the new one, unwired the old, installed, ran through the long setup procedure, had it activated... and it's not working. Upon closer inspection, it appears to be a refurbished unit, a return or something.

Meantime, the old unit hasn't malfunctioned for a while, so I'm reinstalling it and sending a nasty letter to DirecTV. And I think I might write a negative blog about them too!
____________________

Random Thought: Why isn't Saudi Arabia sinking? Don't they take like 55 million barrels of oil out of the Earth every single day? What gives? (apparently nothing... yet)
____________________

California has had four moderate earthquakes in the past week. I wonder if they are finally splitting off into the ocean, as has been predicted for decades?

I remember as a kid living in California, hearing the news that it would eventually become an island. It was scary as hell, even though they said it wouldn't happen for millions of years. When you're a kid, millions of anything doesn't mean much.
____________________

Random Thought: Hey company! When I call your automated-assed customer service line and your computer voice asks me to enter my 24 digit account number, 10 digit phone number, mother's birthdate and the last four digits of my social, please have the decency to hang onto that info until a live person finally gets on the line. Please, PLEASE don't ask me to push eight thousand goddamn buttons if you're going to need to ask me again later... I have things to do! Like writing cancellation letters to companies with stupid automated customer service lines.
____________________

I finally went to buy an iPod last night and all I could find in-stock was the U2 iPod, which sells for an extra 50 bucks. But you get 50 bucks off the purchase of the U2 Super-Ultra-Gigantic-Every-Song-They-Ever-Released box set. AND you get their autographs on the back of the unit.

No thanks. And today, the urge to purchase the iPod has passed. I guess Apple lost 300 bucks last night. Maybe I'll get the urge again soon.
____________________

Random Thought: A great way to pay off the federal deficit would be to develop a program in which, each time a woman cries they must send in a dollar. (TWO dollars for those "just because" cries) And each time a man feels frustrated by the crying, they must also send in a dollar. (TWO dollars when he tells her she has nothing to cry about) We'd achieve total budget balance status by the end of... oh, probably today.


***

Thursday, June 16, 2005

A Thursday Look at Lotteries, Lies, Luck and a Loser

The Terri Schiavo autopsy press conference was interesting. It turns out her husband and doctors were right about her condition. Atrophy and brain damage had shrunk her brain to half it's original size, causing total blindness and a persistent vegetative state with zero hope of ever recovering.

Oddly enough, the release of the autopsy findings hasn't swayed the religious right - as is unfortunately true with most hard scientific evidence. So debate of the undebateable rages on. Sadly, this paragraph stuck out to me most when reading the article:

"Regardless of the autopsy findings, the Schindlers continue to believe their daughter was not in a persistent vegetative state, their lawyer, David Gibbs III, said after Thogmartin’s report was issued. He said they plan to discuss the autopsy with other medical experts and may take some unspecified legal action."


I feel for the family, but they've entered a new level of insanity. And their attorney continues to profit from their grief.
____________________

Holy shit, look out below!

Damn, the fact that nobody died and none of the bombs exploded is proof someone was holding a buckeye in their pocket. Or a buttload of positive karma had developed in the area of the crash. Whichever.
____________________

Jennifer Wilbanks is selling her story.

Where is the surprise here? This woman has deceived and panicked her family, lied about being raped and kidnapped, caused countless needless dollars to be spent on the investigation and search... and now is selling her story.

And the fiance' is still marrying her? He's the insane one, just a total loser. But at least now he's got a reason. $$
____________________

What?!? A level-headed, normal lottery winner? No big purchases? No mansions? Just investing and turning it into a bigger sum?

HUH?

Good for him, this guy seems (at least for now) to have his head screwed on straight. How many lottery winners do you know who have completely blown their winnings and have to live in relative poverty? I know one personally.




courtesy MSNBC.com

***

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

How's my Wednesday looking?

I checked my horiscope this morning, and have included below the actual and translated versions.

What my horiscope for today SAYS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Your anger cannot be suppressed much longer. You could explode or become ill. Let others know how you feel before the end results are negative. Tonight: Work through stress.


What my horiscope for today MEANS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) The veins on your shoulder, temple and ass are bulging like the levis on a porn star. You're really pissed off about the lack of profit from your drunken, ill-advised investment in the new lacy yet "pouch-supportive" product your almost-gay-sounding friend Jean-Luc invented called "manties," and should either confront him about it or prepare for an impending cardiac burst and resulting complete dispensing of any profit you've ever made from ANYTHING to an undeserving, greedy vulture-like family. Tonight: it will take a lot of work to drink an entire fifth of scotch, but you'll feel better.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I just realized

I'm nearing the 10,000th visitor. At the time of this post, the counter reads 9,991 so I figure in the next hour or so I will hit the landmark. What does it mean? Well, probably that a kid somewhere in India thought it would be funny to hit refresh 9-thousand times on my site. Or, that Horsetail Snake is sending people over here, he's the traffic man.

Or... you know, I suppose it could mean nothing at all. And that's exactly what I'm offering to the 10,000th visitor. Although, if you would - please leave a comment if you see 10,000 on the counter to the left. I'd like to know who ya are.
____________________

Remember, "not guilty" doesn't mean "innocent." Where there's smoke, there's usually fire. But there are a lot of greedy, maniacal people out there ready to take advantage of someone, so I gotta leave it to the good judgement of the 12 who saw the trial.
____________________

All three people on board survived, and were "sitting up, talking on their cell phones" hours after the crash, hospital spokeswoman Maria Soldani said.


You're kidding me. Talk about a lucky day!
____________________

Talk about an UNlucky day. A kid dies on a ride, not such a big story, unfortunately sometimes it happens. But this is a high tech ride and he didn't fall from anything. It was the G-force, apparently, that killed him. Wow.



***

Puke if you must, it's more about Dave

I realize it's self serving and nobody cares. That's why I do it.

The higher the number, the less significant the facts. I'm just so freakin' young, I'm almost out of things to tell you. Here we go:

71- My favorite color is green. In its many versions, it is the color of Spring, money and cow shit.

72- I still have my tonsils intact. I haven’t had a problem with them since tonsillitis at age 8. Tonsillectomy is a bogus profit center for hospitals.

73- I have a desire to live in Manhattan in a high rise apartment building. I know the crowds will frustrate me, but oh, the hookers! ;-)

74- I am not the jealous type. It really is a waste of time, especially when you could be knitting or something.

75- I started a new tradition attending the St. James Court art show in Louisville every year. It includes a trip to Jack Frey’s Restaurant for the world’s most incredible pork chop. I’ve never tasted anything like it.

76- My cat, Kramer, is 12 years old. I am not a cat person, but he seems like more of a dog than a cat. Especially the way he humps the leg of strangers.

77- I’ve never seen Dolly Parton’s bare breasts.

78- I was an army brat for a while in North Carolina. We used to go out on weekends and watch my step father jump out of airplanes. It was fairly boring and I could never tell which parachute was him anyway.

79- I am not a fan of sweets, but occasionally I get a craving and will eat nearly an entire carton of ice cream by myself. This is not a good thing ever.

80- I am a fast driver. If I’m on the highway, I seldom drive under 80 mph. I’ve had many, many tickets and yet I persist. It’s easier to hire a lawyer and have ‘em fixed. I have never been at fault in an accident.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Well, dip my balls in cream...

... and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens, it's Sunday night... and you know what that means. Time for Dave's Random Musings:

1 - I want a microwave oven invented that, when you flip the wall plug upside down, cools food. Hey Amana, work it out.

2 - Coffee comes in a tin can for one reason - when it's empty, Grandma has a place to put her bacon grease.

3 - My pool guy told me the other day that for the chemical balance of a pool, it's actually a good idea to pee in it now and then. I quickly learned that, for the neighbor's sake, it's best to actually get INTO the pool... or wait until nightfall.

4 - I have discovered that when your package touches cold water, it causes "shrinkage." However, the converse act of squatting in a bowl of boiling water does NOT cause "growage." Only "burnage."

5 - When someone wags their finger at you, it doesn't always mean you've done wrong, sometimes it just indicates a particularly sticky booger.

6 - With aggressive therapy, the appeal of Malaysia and her seductive quicksand, biting flies and flesh mites can be little more than a distant yearn that beckons mostly late at night.

7 - Stopping a fan blade with your tongue tastes pretty dusty.

8 - Charades is a game best played with the unblind.

9 - Amish barn raisings and buggy lacquer festivals can get zany when the bonnets start coming off.

10 - Tomato soup is good, as long as you don't think about how it's made.

Friday, June 10, 2005

A Cottage For Sale

"Our little dream castle with every dream gone,
Is lonely and silent, the shades are all drawn...
And my heart is heavy as I gaze upon
A Cottage For Sale"



It's been a busy week here at the Morris compound, as we've prepared our home to put on the market. It's waaaaaay too much for just me, so I'm moving into a really nice custom-built condo, less space and VERY sweet... including a great place to put my business.

So if you're looking for a home, it's listed at $509,900 - and here's a sample of what you'll get:


View from the front, a beautiful home with fabulous landscaping and amazing curb appeal... but this picture shows the ONLY shortfall of this house - a two car garage.


Lots of open space and light, a GREAT view of the backyard with pool, spa, waterfall and patio, there are 5 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, great room, open-air atrium with palm trees, family room, bar, wine cellar, theater room, workout room, office and pool table room. Perfect for family and entertaining. The see-through fireplace is great to cozy up to in Winter, either from the kitchen side or the great room.


Part of the backyard, a view of the heated pool and waterfall. The seven-person hottub is out of view to the left.


More of the backyard, it's serene and gorgeous.

I hate to leave this home - but it deserves to have a family who can fill it with love.

It's in Wildwood, MO - near Clayton and Clarkson in west St. Louis county. Drop me an e-mail if you're interested.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cry.


MORE PHOTOS

***

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Dave's Horriblescope for today

What it SAYS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Your way of presenting a problem could be a bit stiff or hard.
Don't be so critical of yourself. What starts out as a tough situation could loosen up. Tonight: Swap news with a pal.


Translated into what it MEANS:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Packing all your shit and sitting it in the garage prior to telling your wife you’ve contracted clamidia from a baby rhino during a recent zoo trip is overreacting. Perhaps she will understand. Just remember that sometimes these things happen to even the best of us, it’s not ONLY because you are a sexual deviant with a certain above-average attraction to slow moving, helpless animals. That disagreement between you and your parole officer regarding what constitutes the lawful description of “prostitution” will be settled when you promise to cut him in. Tonight, come clean to your buddy Bob about what really happened to his tricked out Harley Road King Classic that weekend he was on vacation. He’ll understand... but lock the garage where you keep your mint condition 1964 1/2 Mustang convertible.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Not much on my mind today

I'm watching the Cardinals and Red Sox right now, it's a special broadcast being seen by our men and women in Iraq, and featuring live interviews from some of them. It does my heart good to see them, taking a break and cheering on the Cards. I'm awfully proud of our people fighting the good fight.
____________________

Unusual search terms which brought people to my site this past week:

Maxima driving mirror scratches
Bikini airplane
Douchebag synonyms
Gulfstream jokes
Emergency room nursing
Dave knife Destin
Fogelberg Deer Isle
Tomain poisoning
Badonkadonk

Douchebag synonyms?!? Whatever.
____________________

Worth a read:

Lightning Bug's Butt had a good piece today, ruminations from a very warped, very talented mind. He's a daily read for me, you should bookmark him.
____________________

See ya tomorrow...

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

I've Never Been To Me, second edition

I'm certainly not one to lament my own lack of substance, but I DO keep careful track of the things I've never done. This list is a continuation, and is kept as a reminder to myself.

I've never...

12 – Hummed any version of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” during a proctologist exam.*

13 – Held a vanilla wafer between my knees while wearing a light periwinkle satin & lace corset at a roadside produce stand.

14 – Sat quietly while a wolverine nibbled at my jewels.

15 – Driven to Ecuador on a Big Wheel to feast on the tripe of a camel during January, March or July, which are considered the off season down there.

16 – Held and rocked the child of a British taxidermist and reassured him/her everything will be alright as early as Friday.

17 – Gave up dancing with mannequins for lent.

18 – Requested a neighbor cease all contact with relatives and friends until I could see they’ve ended their dependency on the collecting of Leif Garrett or Sid Caesar memorabilia.

19 – Sudanese grave robbing for sport.**

20 – Adapted a screenplay for a flea-infested, size-challenged writer from Saskatoon who is known for making delicious pastries.

21 – Ice fishing with Ernest Borgnine.

* - The preferred version is most certainly Robert John, I never really liked the Tokens.
** - There is just too much profit to be made.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Dude, don't Bogart the reefer

This is just insane.

The Federal Supreme Court has ruled that federal authorities may prosecute medical marijuana users.

First, my feelings on marijuana are clear. Legalize it! There is no reason alcohol should be legal and marijuana shouldn't. No reason at all. None.

"But it's a gateway drug! It leads to use of other, more troublesome drugs." Yeah, well beer leads to tequila, which leads to more tequila, which leads to grain alcohol, then raw kerosene... if you want to kill yourself, there are many ways in which to accomplish this.

Any mind altering substance can be a gateway to MORE mind altering substances, no debate there. But there is no way to keep people from doing it... and people should and must be responsible for their own actions. If we trust them with alcohol, there's no reason we shouldn't trust them with marijuana. Law enforcement can free themselves up to deal with cocaine, murders and cats in trees.

Legalize pot, sell it behind the tobacco counter and tax the hell out of it. Viola! There goes the federal deficit and all of our tax problems.

We're moving in the wrong direction - again.

Justa coupla thangs

I always knew Russell Crowe was a dick. I met him once in Nashville, he plays a decent guitar and was performing with an Australian singer. But he had a rather nasty ego and disposition - even before he had any major films under his belt.

Now he's been arrested... for being a dick. Good for him.
____________________

If you're a space junkie, this story will fascinate you.

Link
"This is a totally new region of space," Edward Stone, Voyager project scientist at the California Institute of Technology in Pasadena, said in a telephone interview. "We have entered the last lap in our race to interstellar space."

***



Sunday, June 05, 2005

Feudin', Fonin' and Fruitless Festering by a Flake

During my normal Sunday morning ritual... coffee, chanting, snake handing... I happened upon a few stories of interest and random thoughts:
____________________

The Hatfields and McCoys still exist. Oh sure, sometimes shit happens, but c'mon. One of them took to barbecuing INSIDE THEIR GARAGE in order to not have to see their neighbors.

With a feud of this magnitude, it must have been something really monumental that started it. Right? Quote:
"All of a sudden, they quit waving."

Wow. Just... wow.
____________________

Random thought: What were Thurston and Lovey Howell doing on a piss-ant tour boat named "The SS Minnow," anyway?
____________________

There is nothing less interesting or personally impactful to me than a family feud over Zsa Zsa Gabor's estate.

But I must admit, it made me smile this morning. A sort of mean, wicked smile.
____________________

Cell phone competition is cutthroat. Low prices are good for the consumer, but not to this extent.

Another merger is coming, this time between Sprint and Nextel.

Our demand for the lowest rate plan has unintentionally and surreptitiously screwed us. We now have fewer choices than ever... and that is never good.

Side note: please, Sprint... PLEASE stop people from using that freakin' walkie-talkie feature. It's rude, loud and has no useful function, other than to make people feel like kids again with their GI Goe set in the back yard. "Can you hear me now?" Yeah, unfortunately I can hear waaaay too much of you, asshole. Take it private, please.

____________________

Random thought: Why do things like a walking Kool-Aid pitcher and the big fat white Michelin guy cause us to buy the product? Shouldn't it really serve as a deterrent? Hmmm.
____________________

Marilyn Monroe's personal phone book and a painting by her fetched 150-grand at auction.

"... the 1962 painting by the actress of a red rose was initially inscribed to President Kennedy, but she never gave it to him..."

Is it me, or does that seem low? I wish I had known about the auction.
____________________

Random thought: Why does the "Magic 8-Ball" have an "ask again later" response? Is it not feeling the vibe now? Is it late for an appointment?

Isn't it the job of the 8-ball to give me answers to my questions? I find "ask again later" unacceptable.
____________________

Have a good rest-of-the-weekend. Keep your powder dry.


***

Friday, June 03, 2005

Hogs

I was sitting at the bar on a Friday night, (tonight, that is) anticipating the delivery of my rather picayune sounding pork chop dinner and talking to Mike, a new friend who was drinking his. About an hour later a couple of guys walked in.

The first wore leather... a jacket and chaps. The second, a larger, hairier man, sported street clothes and a markedly more friendly disposition.

"Do you sell them or ride them?" My words were the first to meet the newcomers, as I noticed the more rotund one sported a golf shirt bearing the Harley Davidson emblem.

"Uh. Well, ride." Not nearly as friendly as me. A little disconcerting, considering they were the 'cheechakos' in the crowd. The look from the thin man was a clock-stopper.

"I just wondered, I am an admirer of the machines."

Silence. They turned to the television, suddenly fans of baseball. I suppose they were chafed by the apparent meddling of a green outsider.

"My friend rides, he just started a couple of years ago," I said, trying to break through ice thicker than northern Greenland. "It sounds like a cool lifestyle."

The fat guy acted as if he didn't want to kick my ass, while my friend Mike glanced away, intent on watching Albert Pujols strike out.

Finally, skinny leather man spoke. "If you'd been riding since the 60's, you'd know what the lifestyle means. Newcomers are hard to get to know."

I'm not one to create friction, so I figured I'd change the subject to protocol. Things like waving to other bikers, how you park them, where the Harley convoys go, etc. "Club members aren't my kind of rider."

Silence.

I figured my departure time had arrived. I was two sheets to the wind anyway, so I paid my tab and bid them a pleasant weekend.

In any fraternity, new members are the most important element. It didn't seem like thin-man wanted new riders. I know other guys with Harleys who have great dispositions, and know how to have fun without taking it too seriously.

Lord forgive me, but maybe I'm destined to be a Kawasaki guy.*



*psyche, just kidding. I wouldn't do that to myself.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Sock your wood: condoms anyone?

I was "bouncing" around the 'net over lunch a minute ago and happened upon this article. I've heard of like aggregation before, but never to this extent.
"Oceanographic scientists say they have discovered a vast, floating "reef" of the world's disposed condoms in the middle of the South Pacific, about halfway between Tahiti and Antarctica. The phenomenal mass is almost two miles long, an eighth of a mile wide, and in places up to 60 feet deep, the oceanographers say."

The thought of these used condoms floating around gives me the willies, and this line made me want to puke:
"... Froule said parts of the newly discovered reef are matted together so densely that "you could almost land a plane on it..."

I wonder if Travelocity will begin offering round-trip ticket discounts to "Prophylactic Island." And will it be an all-inclusive destination?

LINKETY LINK

***

Simple

Getting on the school bus for the very first time was likely the most fearful step I’ve ever taken.

Since then, I’ve taken about 100 other steps that seem to tie for second. Fear lurks in the dark corners, and no matter how strong you are… it’s always there. I know this. Writing it down is my way of reminding me.

Likely the best advice I can give myself during this fearful time is, break things into simple parts. One day, one night. Next day, next night. No pressures. No lists, except maybe a list of friends.

Keep it simple.

Feel free to wretch and heave...

It's time for more inane facts about Dave!

61- Food is a hobby of mine, so I’m lucky I’m not HUGE. I have familial metabolic genetics to thank for that. So THANK YOU, familial metabolic genetics!

62- I would like to say that I hate shopping. So I will. “I hate shopping.” And yet, I will walk around a Best Buy for an hour and not buy a thing. So I wonder, do I REALLY hate shopping?

63- I once caught a 6 pound large mouth bass with no bait. I had only my fishing rod in my truck when I saw him hanging next to a low-water bridge. So I figured I’d just drop an empty hook in for fun. Stupid sumbitch bit it.

64- I buy books. Lots of them. Then I stack them by my bed with the best of intentions – and instead, I watch television before I fall asleep. Perhaps I should just start eating the pages.

65- My least favorite vegetable is also my most favorite. I hate cooked carrots, but love them when they’re raw. Go figure.

66- I pay bills online. I have for 10 years. You might call me an “online-bill-paying-pioneer.” Just don't call me "late for a nooner."

67- My ex-wife thinks I am agnostic. She got that idea because I’m not a fan of ORGANIZED religion. She’s wrong, I’m very spiritual. Come to think of it, she was wrong about a lot of things.

68- I’m not sure I’ve ever had a relationship with someone who has really “gotten” me.

69- My least favorite subject in school was math, my favorite was biology. Although social studies and journalism ranked right up there. So did study hall.

70- While growing up, I lived with my Mother sometimes and with my Grandparents sometimes. It was about a 50-50 split, I’d say. I learned different things from both experiences – and attended about 20 schools in 6 different cities.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Rubbish disguised as a post

Oatmealy.

My mind is the consistency of kindergarten paste... if my mood were a color, it would be that of watery vanilla ice cream. I have no valid, lucid thoughts tonight, much like the final 10 years of my aunt's dementia-afflicted life. The uninspired nature of my brain is what I'd LIKE to blame my blog-silence on. I hope it works for you.
____________________

The internet is now sporting a "bad part of town." The addition of the suffix of ".xxx" has been approved for adult sites. I wonder, can non-adult sites use the addresses? It would be cool to have a website like www.aaa.xxx. or www.thissiteisnotrated.xxx.

Also approved were ".jobs" and ".travel"... which begs the question, could an adult site acquire the address www.incredibleblow.jobs? Or www.iwillputoutifyouwill.travel. Okay, that one was a stretch.
____________________

"Trust in a Bottle"

Exerpt:

"After a few squirts, human subjects were significantly more trusting and willing to invest money with no ironclad promise of a profit."


By the way, I get that same effect from Scotch.