Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Link to story
And I always thought it was Linda Lovelace.
Monday, May 30, 2005
I am now prepared to give you a brief list of things I did not do during my trip:
If I remember anything else that DIDN'T happen, I'll let you know. Happy "feels like Monday!"
1 - Forget to close the tailgate of my truck, and be made aware of it's state of openness by a pissed motorist who now has a Titleist Pro Titanium 905T driver stuck in his grill.*
2 - Get an extreme nicotine overload headache while on the golf course by smoking three major stogies in chain fashion.**
3 - Hit a drive completely around the globe, bouncing lightly off the ionosphere somewhere over Greenland, scorching lightly on reentry and landing exactly 6 inches behind the tee only seconds later.***
4 - Trash my laptop in a dumpster behind Shop 'n Save after spending three hours on a slide show for Ron's wedding reception (complete with music bed and fancy transitions) only to find the DVD burner is defective.****
5 - Hide a little something in Ron's mattress that he likely won't find for a few days, and only then because dead catfish have a way of eventually making themselves known.*****
6 - Wear a pink vest and tie at the reception, looking vaguely like a gay man.******
7 - Give $100 in hush money to a mouthy transvestite (friend of the bride) who claimed "she" knew things about me nobody should know. And I mean nobody.*******
8 - Drunkenly admit the nickname of a certain part of my body to a group of friends while eating biscuits and gravy at 1 am at Country Kitchen on Ellis Boulevard in Jefferson City, only to be forced to make a phone call for third party confirmation because my nephew's girlfriend called me a liar.********
9 - Get the bride's name wrong during the official "best man" toast at the reception.*********
10 - Find a pair of crusty lederhosen in my truck this morning, causing me to question last night's level of insobriety, my german heritage and why I had the distinct taste of sauer kraut in my mouth.**********
* - Gary, you left your clubs in my truck
** - It was four, and they were spectacular
*** - The ball actually circumnavigated the earth TWICE
**** - It was behind the BP convenience mart in the Wal-Mart parking lot
***** - Actually it's a salmon and it's in the box springs
****** - Although my brother DID, and it triggered earthquakes two thousand miles away in San Francisco during that day-long masturbation festival over the weekend
******* - $150
******** - okay, actually I DID do that one
********* - although I had a cyanide tablet in my hand and a glass of water alongside "just in case."
********** - I have no idea what any of that meant, but I DO know it did NOT happen.
Friday, May 27, 2005
For your information, I've never:
1- lowered myself via a rope around my ankles through a manhole to recover a green jade bracelet.
2- Touched the body of an elusive and deadly hammer-head shark with a real hammer-head while whistling the theme to “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”
3- Had the urge to clean the navel of a big sweaty Mexican guy named Sidney during the months of July, August or October.
4- Drank tea while on a flight to Amsterdam.
5- Heaved a large stone into the Grand Canyon while wearing a purple flannel jumpsuit.
6- Shared photos of a friend’s pet hamster with an Irish guy by the name of Shelby.
7- Deviated from a plan to build the world’s first shopping mall made out of green soda bottles by substituting amber ones.
8- Examined the skeletal remains of an antelope while water skiing.
9- Cleaned the pool of any former president of the US when I should have been making deer jerky for a Canadian law student.
10- Held more than a dozen safety pins in one hand while farting to the tune of “My Sharona.”
11- Venetian baby shaking.
To be continued...
Reports of blindness in men using Viagra, Cialis
Oh shit. I can already tell my 50's are going to SUCK.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Banning cell phone use while driving is a only a start, however. Let's ALSO do something about other nefarious activities taking place behind the wheel.
Eating, for instance. I say ban all drive-thru windows NOW. Recently, I witnessed another driver operating their vehicle with one hand and eating drive-thru food with the other. The safety issues associated with consuming victuals while steering are obvious. (plus, if I'm going to die, it better be caused by something more significant than a Jack-in-the-Box taco)
Also, make-up. My wife is a CONSTANT danger on the road, she's been known to apply mascara while turning a corner! We need a law NOW banning the use of make-up in a motor vehicle. Another effective deterrent might be legislating the size of the containers of make-up, perhaps allowing only gallon drums, so drivers won't be tempted to break the law just because they are running late. Purse-sized makeup should be a thing of the past.
And, let's talk about CDs, tapes and radios. It irks me that you haven't already done something about this eternal hazard. Fumbling through a box of CDs while changing lanes is HARDLY a safe thing to do. I refuse to lose my life because "Wanda the Maldroit" is vacillating between Jack Jones Sings Torchin' Tunes and William Shatner's Greatest Hits.
One of the biggest distractions to people operating a motor vehicle... is other people. Recently I witnessed a woman taking her eyes off the road to glance over at a passenger who was talking to her! Please, Mr. Congressman, this sort of jeapordous activity needs to stop. Of course I realize it's hard to ask a human being to avoid speaking, so I propose a much more facile solution, NO PASSENGERS. Banning carpooling of any kind is the most direct way to address this menacing threat. (and just think... your big corporate automaker friends will LOVE you) If this endeavor fails, we should consider banning children. They are extreme diversions from the safe driving experience.
Finally, I suggest immediate legislation against speedometers. Driving manuals suggest looking at the speedometer every TEN SECONDS! Need I even mention how audacious this activity is?
Public safety is your primary concern, Mr. Congressman, so I strongly urge you to start the ball rolling on motor vehicle safety reform IMMEDIATELY.
Then let's talk about bathtubs. Did you know people DROWN in those things?!?!
Dave Morris, Your Helpful Constituent
"Latigo Flint isn't afraid of a dern thing. (Horrible, hairy, poison-burbling spiders make Latigo Flint a mite uneasy but that's not the same as fear.) The list could stretch for days, tonight I'll cap it at five. Five things Latigo Flint isn't afraid of..."
It almost brings a tear to my eye to see someone so in touch with their inner anxieties and fears.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
The Cerebral Outpost
An outpost is a distant "camp," almost like the one at the south pole. Lonely sounding, yet sort of warm and inviting, like an oasis. A far away corner of her brain. If you get a second, drop by her digs and say hello. She's a fantastic writer.
A morning by the pool with coffee is a great way to help you "center." The breeze, birds, bubbling sound of the jets, a bumblebee floating by. I have no trouble getting psyched up for work after a start like this.
President Bush loses me again, this time on the stem cell issue. The house passed a lift on the president's ban of federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, but of course the president promises to veto it. MOST of the research would use embryos which are going to be destroyed anyway, leftover from fertility clinics for invitro fertilization procedures. So why not just compromise and limit the research to only embryos which will be destroyed anyway?
I can understand taking a pro-life stance. But if you're pro-life, shouldn't you be concerned for cancer, spinal cord injury and other disease victims? These are people who are already alive, who have dependent children... who are already important to their loved ones and already functioning societal participants.
Does contributing to their death by refusing to fund potentially life-saving research constitute a pro-life stance? In my opinion, it does not.
Another great reason to use sunblock - it makes you slippery!
Search terms which have lead people to my blog in the past 48 hours:
sucking tits pics (HUH??!?!)
national Treasure stuff
80 Ford Fiesta (ah, yes - the third car I ever owned)
dirty dave videos (again, HUH!?!?!?)
Costner and epiphany and chef
the words to the circle of life
Sams Wholesale Club
cat covering up shit picture (uh, no I never posted one)
Maryland Heights and laundry mats
men’s event palm restaurant Nashville
Robata of Japan
I find it fascinating how people stumble upon my little corner of the universe. Whoever you are, welcome. Come by anytime!
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Thurl Ravenscroft, the voice of Tony the Tiger*, finally "got soggy in milk" today at the age of 91. During his lifetime, it's been estimated he sired up to 250 "variety packs."
He will be buried in a small cardboard box with a reclosable lid.
* He was also the voice on the song "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch," but I couldn't think of anything clever for that one. Come to think of it, I couldn't think of anything clever anyway.
What my horiscope for today SAYS:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) ***** A partner tosses another view into the mix. Don't negate this option; work with this person's idea. You'll develop a sound path of action. Teamwork draws you into the winner's circle. Relax more. Feelings heat up to a point of discomfort. Tonight: Be a duo.
What my horiscope for today MEANS:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) ***** Bob, your investment consultant, recommends against laundering your buddy's dog track winnings so his wife believes he received a generous government grant. Bob may be right, let the man speak. Your concern about permanent damage received by experimenting with the "enlargement apparatus," will be legitimized by the nice lady in the Emergency Room today. Allow both she and your wife to tug simultaneously for desired removal results. Try to relax and enjoy the vague resemblance to a threesome, it's likely the closest you'll ever get. Tonight, your Mother will resist your suggestion to move into a cheaper nursing home, and will see the idea for what it is. An attempt by you to get a larger inheritance when she keels over. The old bat obviously still holds a grudge for your suggestion that she invest in a chain of restaurants specializing in gravy products. Let your wife soften her up.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
I saw a television report last week about a Star Wars memorabilia collector who had named his three kids Ben, Luke and ... some other name from the series. That man is a freak. *
The movie we saw was Monster-In-Law, with J-Lo and Jane Fonda. The movie made me feel old because of how old Jane looked - and tired because of how bad the movie was.
So I left the theater feeling old and tired. (and normal, thanks to the costumed geeks)
If you want to have fun and feel good, take your kid to a nursery, let them pick out some plants, trees or flowers, and go home and plant them. Courtney's project was to remove last year's ornamental grass by the pool and choose something to replace it. She did all the work, made the hard choices and they look great!
My bedroom windows face East, and the blinds aren't the solid ones. They are fabric, and don't block the sun very well. Consequently, I awaken every morning at sunrise, and it's hard to sleep any later.
Last week, Tawnya bought me one of those sleep masks. I have no idea how I look in it, but I'm sure it's not good. Since I'm sleeping alone, I decided to give it a try.
Those things really work! Complete darkness for as long as I want to sleep... which is especially convenient if I've had a fifth of scotch before bed.
I just need to get over the fact that those masks are generally worn by older women. Which means I will most likely go back to waking up at the crack o' dawn.
Something Dave doesn't understand - TLC's "Clean Sweep." A show where the host and a crew go into someone's dirty house... and clean it up.
This is television? And why is it we should exalt someone who can't seem to keep their crib tidy and liveable?
This is called "reality" television.
Time for breakfast. Waffles sound good!
* although perhaps not as strange as George Foreman naming all FOUR of his sons George and one of his daughters Georgetta. (does this man never stop copulating?) OR Tea Leoni and David Duchovny naming their son Kyd. (which is why Tea Leoni is no longer on my "freebie list")
Saturday, May 21, 2005
1 - Carrots explode in the microwave. So do eggs. Thus, you should never try to make a carrot omelet the “quick” way.
2 - When your daughter says she loves you, it’s true. But there is usually a follow-up. This is normal.
3 - We should be able to fine our Mother 50 cents each time we’re too scared to lick the peanut butter off a knife. Mothers, good and bad ones, are in the business of irrational fear.
4 - “Together forever” is a farce. In a photo from about 1 year ago, including 5 couples who went to New Orleans to celebrate my birthday, only two are still together. And oddly enough, my wife and I aren’t one of them.
5 - If you want time to pass faster, don’t try to make it happen by doing laundry or yard work.
6 - If I go to a restaurant specifically for a certain item, that restaurant will be out of that item. Always call ahead on “prime rib special” night.
7 - Cash in your pocket makes you feel safer, unless you’re in North St. Louis, South Chicago or East L-A.
8 - Oddly, people find comfort in foods, stains, clouds or natural formations that are shaped like the virgin Mary. Or like a penis. It is difficult not to see the irony in this.
9 - Teenagers are the most irritating when they think they know more than me. It’s even more disturbing when I realize they do.
10 - Spam (the food kind) is what you make it. Fried, or baked with brown sugar and a slice of pineapple, it can be a most palatable meal.
11 - If you have an idea, patent it. If you think of a website address you want, secure it. If you don’t, someone else will, and that’ll just piss you off.
Friday, May 20, 2005
51- I think the Spaniards have it right, the whole world should shut down at 2:00pm daily for a one-hour nap. You could use that time for whatever you wanted. (read: nooner)
52- I believed it would be different, but owning my dream car ended up like owning any other car. The floor board gets dirty and I don’t wash it often enough. I DO believe the birds know which of us drive our life-long dream cars.
53- When I was a kid, we had a pool in our backyard. When the autumn came, I always knew which kids were friends and which kids just wanted to have a swim. Screw those people.
54- I have met most country music artists of the last 15 years, and am lucky enough to call a few of them “friends.” I’m still not sure how Chesney ended up marrying Zellewegger. I really gotta give Mr. Perpetual Bachelor some shit about that one.
55- My “freebie list” (a “Friends” show reference to famous people you could sleep with and nobody could get upset with you for doing so, even your spouse) would include Kate Hudson, Jennifer Aniston, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina Jolie and Rebecca Romijn.
56- Dessert is not an important part of a meal for me, I only occasionally desire anything sweet.
57- I have the desire to be artistic – I want to try oil painting. I have no childhood art projects or past experience that would indicate I will not fail at this endeavor.
58- Women who smoke turn me off. Yet I smoke cigars and expect women to LOVE me. I’m such a bastard that way.
59- I’m not particular about how I like my eggs. Over easy is my favorite, but scrambled, poached, hard-boiled… all are good. In fact, I’ve just talked myself into breakfast, a meal I usually skip.
60- I don’t do necklaces, ear ring or any jewelry except a ring occasionally. I went through a phase where I wanted to wear gold chunk jewelry. I am happy I exited the phase before actually buying any of that crap.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
If you'll indulge me, I'll speak to a subject I'm fairly sure you hadn't considered... that of gravy. Everything these days must have gravy and I want to know why.
Literal or figurative, gravy has become a staple of society. This creamy substance, in it's many forms, is strangely beguiling. For instance, www.gravy.com touts a one-sauce-fits-all mixture. And what IS asparagus without hollandaise sauce - a form of gravy?
Biscuits 'n gravy would be a shell of it's former self without the gruel, and the popularity of mashed potatoes would go the way of congressional approval ratings. The symbiotic dependency is undeniable.
And I just used TWO 4-syllable words.
Gravy boats, gravy trains... it even seems to be an integral part of the transportation system. What's next, "gravy traffic on the 8's?"
Salespeople call their bonus money "gravy." Politicians most certainly receive it from special interests and lobbyists... it's no wonder they're often called "gravy sucking pigs." My grandfather used to say "good gravy" as a proxy for cursing.
Even pet food boasts "in meaty gravy" on the label. Now I happen to know my dog doesn't care if his food includes gravy... yet it apparently helps pet owners to think they're feeding their beloved comfort food. In reality, it just dirties the floor around his dish.
Gravy, gravy, gravy. It's even sounds funny if you repeat it over and over.
Admittedly, without it, chicken fried steak would be characterless. Eating meat loaf without the red gravy (you DO prefer the red gravy, right??) would be a perfunctory process. And Frank Zappa's "Lumpy Gravy" album would need to be renamed.
So I give up. We're stuck. Apparently humans and gravy are inextricably, cosmically connected.
And that's good news if you own stock in Cracker Barrel.
* I am plagued with these kinds of absurd thoughts frequently - and unfortunately I feel the need to write about them. I'm very sorry for this.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
41- I once went on a field trip on a cruise ship in 1st grade in California. It made all the other field trips I’ve taken (park, planetarium, museum, etc.) seem really shitty.
42- I am ambid… ambidex… uh, I can use both hands for most anything. When I write with my left hand, I tend to write backwards, and it looks nearly perfect in a mirror.
43- We couldn’t afford new shoes when I was a kid, so I wore what I had. They became so small on me, it caused a severe ingrown nail on my left foot that required plastic surgery to fix.
44- When I was a kid, I couldn’t get through the day without watching Johnny Sokko and his Flying Robot. I was also a Trekkie when I was younger. I realize this makes me a freak, and I’m okay with it.
45- I have finally decided which part of the female body I like most. The tummy. Followed closely by the butt. It’s taken me 25 years to decide that.
46- I am not an easy person to get to know, I tend to keep my cards close to my vest.
47- My favorite movie is “Field of Dreams.” I can hardly ever get through it without tears. And of course I mean the manly kind of tears.
48- I am a very strict Dad, yet I believe both of my kids would consider me fair. I think parents generally are too easy on their kids.
49- I recently bought a microwave burrito at Quick Trip for dinner. It’s the first time I have eaten anything out of a convenience store microwave in 18 years. About 2 hours later, I remembered why.
50- If you’re a teacher, I think you should be paid a well-above-average salary. And you should earn it by taking extra time with each student so none of them fail.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Scientists now have evidence that changes are occurring in the Gulf Stream, the warm and powerful ocean current that tempers the western European climate. Without the influence of the Gulf Stream and its two northern branches, the North Atlantic Drift and the Canary Current, the weather in Britain could be more like that of Siberia, which shares the same latitude.
Wadhams and other scientists say the slowing of the Gulf Stream could contribute to other severe effects on the planet, such as the complete melting of the Arctic ice cap in the summer months. That could eliminate the habitat and lead to the extinction of Arctic wildlife, including the polar bear. Current predictions indicate that could happen as early as 2020 or as late as 2080.
Look, I don't mean to sound harsh... and this IS just one piece of the evidence puzzle... but if you've been skeptical about global warming, it's time to wake up. The clear scientific data is overwhelming, and the process appears to be moving faster than anyone predicted.
Monday, May 16, 2005
1 - What’s right for you isn’t right for the next guy. Unless we’re talking about Anna Kournikova here.
2 - The older you get, the more stamps you have in the house.
3 - Now’s not a good time. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow.
4 - The length of time you can tolerate watching reality television is inversely proportionate to the length of time a person who doesn’t know what “inversely proportionate” means can watch reality television.
5 - People named Howard always have a certain look about them. Also Larry.
6 - Your lower back will cramp at the furthest point of the bike trail.
7 - A cell phone’s address book capacity will always be approximately 90 percent of your number of friends, family and associates.
8 - Nobody stops by unannounced unless you’re naked.
8b - Being naked doesn’t necessarily make someone stop by.
9 - Vegetable medleys suck.
10 - Sometime when you’re out of TP, you may be tempted to use a “feminine napkin.” Avoid doing this. The linear slippage factor is vastly less than that to which you are accustomed.
11 - You can’t screw up stir-fry, even by adding fruit.
12 - Corvettes are “look at me” cars. Except the one my friend Gary owns. He’s different. Just ask him. *
13 - If you ever own a cat, you should name him Ron. Every time you call him you’ll giggle. Ron is no name for a cat.
14 - You can search every channel late at night, and nothing you find will make you stop missing Johnny Carson.
15 - There’s no way a person with hands my size can ever eat an entire can of Pringles.
That's all I came up with for now... although my head tends to spring leaks at the most inopportune moments.
* - It's an inside joke. Gary knows I'm kidding. Mostly.
In January, an informal ethics committee at Stanford University endorsed a proposal to create mice with brains nearly completely made of human brain cells..."
"... the board was satisfied that the size and shape of the mouse brain would prevent the human cells from creating any traits of humanity. Just in case, Greely said, the committee recommended closely monitoring the mice’s behavior and immediately killing any that display human-like behavior..."
This is both fascinating and disturbing. I am excited about the prospects of curing diseases which have plagued mankind for millenia, yet completely turned off by the line about killing mice which exhibit "human-like behavior."
What, will they hire a guy to watch for the mice to start talking to one another? "Hey Fred, pull my finger!"
Watch for the male mice to start suggesting sex without commitment? See if the females binge shop and get weepy once a month? See if they feel the need to buy a little Minny-van (wink, wink) when they have a family?
What sorts of "human-like behavior" are they looking for? Those words just creep me out.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Shines down the hall
And the smell of coffee
Dances into the room,
My mind gently stirs
Beneath the weight of the morning.
I rise and,
With robe holding in the night’s warmth
Shuffle toward the sounds in the kitchen
Where I know you’ll be.
You always are.
Before there was you,
Morning came rudely…
Little more than a beginning of
Just another day.
The memory of its incivility
Is now thankfully filtered by
Time and distance.
When you came,
Morning seemed to take on
A new meaning.
No longer a blurry inconvenience
But the start of another chapter
In a book with no ending.
That was the smell of coffee
I could have sworn…
Yet as I draw closer
The aroma seems to fade.
And the light from the hallway
Now appears to be
Little more than a dusky illusion.
The sounds of the morning
And your stirring
Now fading into a
Most profound quiet.
The night rushing back
To fill the empty space.
A mental mirage, all of it.
Perhaps a self-deceptive facade
conjured by the part of the mind
which fears the stillness
How long have you
Been gone now?
It seems like yesterday,
Like a million years.
I thought you’d still be here...
You always were.
This poem stumbled out of my head a few days ago, inspired by current personal events... but in a moment of epiphany I realized it could have been channeled from the ghost of my Grandmother. I'm certain the words appropriately represent the way she felt after Grandpa's death, they were definitely morning people.
Friday, May 13, 2005
We were sitting at the bar, poolside at the Clevelander Hotel on South Beach. It was a brutally hot day, but Bombay Sapphire and tonic were making it all bearable. And the occasional walk-by courtesy of a bikini clad, tanned local girl didn’t hurt.
We were in Miami for a boys golf weekend and to size up the musical talent of a new country artist. The artist was “okay,” the golf was amazing, and now it was Sunday afternoon. We had several hours to kill before the flight back to St. Louis, so naturally we ended up in the place all single men gravitate to if given a few idle hours in Miami on a sunny afternoon.
Steve followed my pointing finger. “That’s not Kevin Costner,” he sneered. “Watch this.”
“Hey, Basil!” The Costner lookalike turned his head and a smile appeared instantly.
“Steve, what the hell are you doing here?” Costner turned out to be Basil, a friend of Steve’s from Arkansas, and he helped prove my theory regarding the gravitational force of South Beach on single men.
We sat at the bar, continued drinking and caught up on old times. Eventually the tan bikini clad girl joined us, her interest piqued by our loud laughter and conversation... and her apparent attraction to Steve.
Damn, that figures.
We drank and talked… laughed and drank…told jokes and drank some more until the world around us had almost completely disappeared. Which explains why we failed to notice the clouds that were building just west of the island. In an odd twist of fate, I looked at my watch at the exact moment I felt the first raindrop.
“Steve, shit dude our plane leaves in 90 minutes!” This would not have been a problem had we been flying out of Miami. Instead, we had chosen Ft. Lauderdale for about half the rate. Clearly we were now regretting the decision.
And then the rain came.
Not ordinary rain, sheets of blinding rain. The kind that prevents you from seeing 5 feet in front of you. Stand in it for just a few seconds, and it’s as if you jumped into a pool with your clothes on.
There was no time to wait out the weather, so we made a break for it. No sooner had we entered the downpour, we realized we had no idea where we parked the car. (maybe it had something to do with our state of insobriety, but anyway…) The car was several blocks away and we were clueless as to which direction.
We ran block to block, looking for a rental car of which we could scarcely remember a description, in the blinding rain, with cell phones that had already shorted out and shut themselves off. I remember considering the possibility that the car had driven itself to another location just to annoy us.
It rained, cloud-burst style, for 45 minutes, and it took every second of that time to find the car. Wet, drunk and laughing like hyenas, we got in and only then realized we weren’t the only ones trying to get off the island… the traffic was complete gridlock.
And our gas tank was empty.
After working our way across the bridge and through a gas station, and by the time we made it to the airport, Steve had decided he was staying an extra day with the tan girl and I had 5 minutes to get to my gate. I was still dripping wet and had to use the restroom in the worst way, but I had to make that plane... it was the last one to St. Louis until morning.
I ran the entire way to my gate, got on the plane just as the door was closing and found my seat. Of course it would have to be a center seat between two rather large people. Dripping wet and giggling at the thought of how the day had gone, I was the subject of much scorn as I sat down. I smiled and passed out as the plane took off, and didn't open my eyes until the wheels touched down in St. Louis.
Still soaked to the bone, drunk and with blisters on my hands from golfing, I walked down the ramp, into the airport and headed for the nearest payphone to get a ride home.
The next day, the weather channel had a story of the record-setting rainfall that had hit the Miami area. Hung over but home and dry, I smiled.
It had been one of the true, great weekends.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Ronald Reagan was famous for saying he didn't leave the Democratic party, they left him. I am beginning to feel the same about the Republicans. Every day they are representing me less. Although still I lean in that direction, I take exception with several recent moves.
Terri Schiavo is one example. What a cluster-#$%^. Need I say more?
Bankruptcy reform is another. That sort of reform should begin at the top, with corporations who file for bankruptcy... yet continue to pay their officers' exorbitant salaries. The employees lose their jobs and retirement, and the CEO still walks away with millions? If anything needs reform, THAT does. Should it be more difficult for anyone to file bankruptcy? Absolutely. But it should start at the top.
Republicans have been changing rules whenever it serves them lately. Tom DeLay violates campaign rules, which makes him ineligible to continue as majority leader. So instead of following protocol and picking a new majority leader... Republicans decide to just change the rules? Bullshit.
And now they want to do away with ability to filibuster judicial nominees. Come on, guys. Changing rules to suit your needs make you look like dicks, especially in light of the DeLay scandal. Let it rest.
And get away from religion for a while. It's okay to be religious, just don't consider religion when you model laws that govern our land. There are lots of people in this country, you need to represent them all... not just those of your own faith. You're losing the center - and you'd do well to remember you cannot win without them.
All politicians: people are starting to call bullshit on you. I feel a ground-swell, and anyone who doesn't has their head in the sand.
I'm sorry, but it's May 12 and I seem to have forgotten my friend Kim's birthday. Happy birthday girl, hope you're doing well!
Today's great musical line: "I'm crying like a church on Monday." I couldn't find a really cool line about Thursdays. Sorry.
A friend sent me this:
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Have a spanky day.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Answer: "When I write a goofy horiscope translation as a proxy for something substantive, meaningful and consequential."
What my horiscope for today SAYS:
TAURUS *** You might not realize the impact of a decision. You might be coming from a strong sense of security. Your family and domestic life need to take a greater priority. Make calls in the later afternoon. Meetings work. Tonight: Out and about.
What my horiscope for today MEANS:
Taurus *** You shouldn't have added the Mrs. Renfro's Habenero Seed Salsa to your nachos last night... you might be able to wander further than 20 feet from the loo today. Perhaps your colon's not lead-lined after all. Don't blow off taking your daughter to her track meet in favor of "just one more throw" at the craps table. Avoid your usual 3 hour nap. Instead, actually try to keep your business solvent. Maybe you should have powwowed with the wife before trading in the mini van for a Suzuki Hayabusa GSX1300R with the extra chrome package. Tonight: marriage counselor.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
My desire is to see every inch of the world, and to live in another 4 or 5 parts of it while I'm young... or at least before I succumb to arthritis, dementia and incontinence. My eye is always on the horizon, a compass is always in my pocket and the courage I possess to go wherever I wish is either a blessing or a curse.
In my profession, I can do what I do from a beach or a mountain, on any continent or in any corner of the globe. That is a luxury for which I am eternally grateful.
With all that in mind, it's no wonder the poem "Ulysses" by Tennyson hits home. These exerpts now reside on a slightly yellowed piece of paper on the side of my fridge:
And not to yield.
*a description given me by my friend Gary - and yes, wherever it is I'll be, there WILL be beer.
And just because you cut fruit cocktail up into smaller pieces doesn't mean you can call it a "salsa." Salsa is for tortilla chips and huevos rancheros. Fruit cocktail is for sissies. There is a difference.
And what's with all the sweet and meat combos these days? Does a ribeye really need a raspberry reduction sauce? Are ribs really the place for apricot chutney? What happened to A-1?
Someday I will open Dave's Restaurant. Your favorite foods will be served, leave a comment so I know what they are.
And don't use the words "medley" or "salsa" unless you want a knot on your head in the shape of Chef Dave's frying pan.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
To my wife, you're a great Mother and I love you. The home and family miss you.
Happy Mother's Day* to all today...
*and not the kind of "mother" referred to in the earlier post about cursing.
Friday, May 06, 2005
I must say things have gone awry in the world of Dave in the past month, without getting into details. Awry in a personal way, not professional... I'm doing fine there.
But in my mind right now is a predominance of negative stuff. And I hate when that happens, it makes my writing sound negative. (in case you hadn't noticed on your own) So I wanted to stand before you for just a moment of emotional nudity and say I'm not always such a negative person.
In that spirit, I will now make note of some of my favorite positive things:
My dog Regis.
Japanese maple trees.
Mailmen with a check.
My cat Kramer.
Advil, to make mornings-after liveable.
Habaneros, jalapenos and other 'Os that are spicy.
Finally, and actually firstly... my wife.
Okay, look. Dave's posted something positive, non-sarcastic, non-cynical and actually uplifting. You're welcome.
Things will get back to normal soon. I hope. Have a great weekend.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Side note: only 13 months and a day until 06/06/06. Of course that's the day we'll all die horrible, grisly deaths at the hands of the anti-christ which is, ironically, Tom DeLay.
Do you curse? I do. It's not a good thing, and I'm trying to quit... but there are just words that are too good NOT to use.
The F-word is the Grand Mack Daddy of them all. Very flexible word, not many instances where it won't work for me. Except perhaps in church. Or on my site... I've never written that word here. YOU are welcome to use it anytime in the comment section, I do not censor you. I love you.
"Shit" goes without saying. (and yet I just had to say it didn't I?)
Some of the most fun curse words are those that replace people's names. I will list a few of my favorites now:
A classic staple is of course "asshole." It's a true paradigmatic masterpiece... and it says it all, doesn't it? Asshole flows trippingly off the tongue. (ew, I just used tongue and asshole in the same sentence and that just isn't right) I guess that's why it's stood the test of time... it's easy to say and applies to so many situations. I once told my fiance'-now-wife that I was an asshole. She can't say I didn't warn her.
"Asshat" is a good one, (sticking with the ass theme) yet I'm not certain what it means. "Assface" makes me giggle. And "asswipe" is as good as they come, I use that one quite frequently.
And then there's Dick. Why is it that I feel fine calling anyone dick... except those who are actually named Dick? It makes me squirm to talk to someone named Dick, yet I'm happy to call my buddy Ron a dick.
Do you have a favorite curse word? I'm feeling in a particularly down mood and would love to be picked up. So in the spirit of sharing, leave a comment my fellow potty-mouth! Cursing is very therapeutic.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
I won't spend time suggesting silly explanations or trying to rationalize this image. To do so might lead you to an incorrect, less-than-divine conclusion. But it's clear this ethereal toastal image is that of Jennifer.
It was discovered on a piece of bread pulled from a toaster in Rathdrum, Idaho by the wife of a mailman. How it appeared on eBay is beyond me, but I'm sure it will fetch a handsome price.
Monday, May 02, 2005
In the news this morning:
"...Adrift on a sailboat without food or fresh water for six days, 17-year-old Josh Long and a friend survived on sea water, raw jellyfish — and faith..."Link
I wonder how many days I've gone without "fresh water." I can remember one period where I went for 4 or 5 MONTHS drinking nothing more than beer, Pepsi and a little coffee. Not a single glass of water.
And sunburn? Holy UV, I've spent time in the emergency room after certain float trips when I figured sunscreen was for p*ssies. Not to mention a period of my life where I ate nothing but sushi for like 8 weeks. If it didn't come from the ocean and wasn't raw, I didn't ingest it.
Those guys are lightweights.
The woman from Georgia who, under pressure of a 600-attendee, 28-groomsmen/bridesmaid, completely overdone waste-of-time-and-money wedding ceremony, staged her own abduction and went to Albuquerque... it now appears, planned her getaway days prior to her "disappearance." And as we all know, the only thing worse than spur-of-the-moment lying about being abducted by a short Hispanic guy while jogging, taken to Albuquerque and being held against your will... is premeditatingly lying about being abducted by a short Hispanic guy while jogging, taken to Albuquerque and being held against your will.
Actually, it's quite possible that every single person IN Albuquerque is being held there against their will, but I digress.
Let's be honest. Nobody needs a wedding where 30 freakin' people stand at the altar at once, being watched by 600 guests. To spend that amount of money on a ceremony for a "cahoots" that will statistically last no more than 6 or 7 years is a ridiculous waste of hard-earned money.
And the poor fiance'. With the precidence of Peterson, Condit, O-J and others, the cops had him framed tighter than the Mona Lisa and taking lie-detector tests already. If he still marries this gal he's crazier than she is.
Wouldn't it be ironic if the punishment for "inventing a crime that doesn't exist" is 6 to 7 years in prison? Same basic result, different method.
Although this way, her family has leftovers for 600.
"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" opened over the weekend. If it's anywhere NEAR as good as the book (which I've just finished reading for the first time since the 80's) I can't wait to see it.
Have a good week everyone.